​**Proud moment...**

If you pick up a copy of this months Cakes & Sugarcraft you will find me on page 59 talking about baking and mental health! 

​(if you are reading this on your mobile, you may need to click the link below to view the PDF of the article)

​Look after yourselves folks, and have a fabulous weekend. 

​Bu xx

I don’t look sick.
 
If you were to see me out and about, you would likely see a pulled together individual.  I’d be cracking jokes, enquiring as to what people have been up to, and you’d be forgiven for assuming that I’m doing a great job of navigating my way through my mental illnesses.  In fact at the weekend I was talking to people about my mental health, and had three separate conversations about people who were  surprised to learn I struggled with it.
 
This made me think, is that a good thing?
 
I don’t want to ruin a social event by showing the world just how terrifying I am finding it.  Believe me, there would be no better way to throw a wet blanket over proceedings than to let people know what is running through my mind when they are chatting away to me!   That said, I want to share know how hard it is for some people, as I feel this is how we will raise awareness and understanding of mental health.  I also feel it would be good for us to know how many people out there are struggling with the same battles.
 

​When I went out on Saturday, this above photo was "me".  Make up on, hair done, joking about while clutching Albie (my Anxiety Blob).   I was out for about 3 and a half hours, and I’m quite proud to say that I held it together for that time.  Anyone who knew me well may have been able to pick up on my constantly moving hands (so that my shaking wouldn’t be as obvious) or the occasional catch in my throat (as I reminded myself that I needed to breathe), but to everyone else I kept my secret hidden.
 
The thing I want to share is that behind those 3 and a half hours was some serious preparation.  The week prior to it had been a tough one.  My anxiety had been sky high, my motivation to join the real world each day was low on the good days.  I have been trying to record my reality of mental health, and the following photos were taken in that week on two consecutive mornings when I was really struggling to get on with my day. 

​On these days I did yoga, I meditated, I went to therapy on Tuesday.  All week I journaled, I practiced gratitude, I had time curled up on the sofa trying to rest.  I ate healthily, I drank lots of water. I did every conceivable thing that I could to try to “feel better”. 
 
Sometimes I find it most unfair that doing all these things and putting in the effort doesn’t make a blind bit of difference.  The truth is though, that while it does not make me “better” it does stop me from getting worse. 
 
It is also worth being aware that it is not only gearing up for an event like this that takes planning and consideration.  The aftermath needs to be planned in too.  I was so mentally exhausted after being in “I’m ok!” mode on Saturday, that Sunday was a wash out.  I spent it on the sofa, in trackies, watching Harry Potter (the first, second, third AND forth films).  This may sound like a lovely lazy Sunday to many, but Sunday is the only day Mr. BuBakes and I have together every week.  I wanted to be out with him, doing fun stuff and laughing – the reality was that this was never going to happen.
 
I guess there are a few main points I want to get across from sharing this today:

• If someone who battles with their metal health can only commit to “maybe I’ll come along” then often it is not that they aren’t bothered, it may be that they literally do not know if they will be able to manage it.

 

• If that someone does manage to come out, be flattered, it must mean a lot to them and a great deal of work may have been done in getting them there.

 

• If this is the case, the occasional squeeze of the arm and “you’re doing amazingly, how are you feeling” goes a long way.

 

• If the person needs to suddenly leave, let them know that is ok and that you appreciate the time they spent there.  No doubt the second they go they will be berating themselves for not being able to stick it out for longer, so the assurance that their time spent out was valued goes a long way in stopping the shame cycle.

 
It is hard for everyone to truly understand how everyday occurrences can take so much, and that’s ok.  No one expects non-sufferers to simply “get it”, but people acknowledging it is a wonderful thing.
 
In a previous blog post I wrote...
 
“Sadly I know that there have been comments by people questioning how I can do all my baking and set up BuBakes when I am “sick”, and to those people I can only say that they don’t understand the kind of “sick” that I am.  That’s absolutely fine - I didn’t understand it before, and I still can’t fully get to grips with it now.“
 
...and two years on this is still entirely true.     
 
My sickness is still one that is hard to explain.  It is one that people still can’t see unless they know what they are looking for, and it is one that I am still getting to grips with.  
 
I think I will be constantly learning about it for the rest of my life, and that is ok.  Not only because my self discovery will be ongoing and that is a wonderful thing; but also because it means I can continue to share what I learn as I learn it,  in the hope that it may help raise the awareness and understanding of mental health.
 
Lots of love to you all.
Bu xx

Two years ago yesterday I imploded.  

I was rushed to the doctor, and then I hid in a flat on my own for weeks. Each time I tried to leave it, I found I couldn't.  Each time I tried to speak to someone, I found I couldn't.  Everything seemed to crumble, until the only thing I was left with in the dark was me.  The problem was, I hated me.  The only way was up.

As I reflect on the two years, it would be easy to still think of the things I miss out on due to my illnesses.  I could think about the salary I don't earn, the nights out I can no longer enjoy, the phone calls I can no longer bring myself to make. 

I could think about the days when I can't see anything other than a cloud of grey, and when I am convinced that people are only in my life due to some sort of perverse Truman Story obligation. 

I could think about the 7 attempts it has taken to get my meds right, each one with weeks of a gruelling "limbo" as I knew I had to give it time and allow it to get worse before it could get better.  Each time when it didn't get better I would have to start again, embarking on another downward path that may or may not be "the right way". 

I could reflect on my 4 different courses of therapy (three different sorts!) or on the several ‘friends' I have lost.  

I could let myself flash back to hearing phrases from people I thought I could trust, such as “I’ve had other friends with mental health problems and they’ve not acted like you” and “you’re just using this as an excuse“.

Excuse my french, but FUCK THAT!   Instead, today I have been focusing on the brighter side... 
 
Since I imploded I have:

• Met some truly phenomenal people, who believe more in me than I do myself; and have helped me to develop a faith in life and people that I never dared trust in before.
• Discovered a creative streak that I had repressed since I left primary school.
•  Turned to writing to try to express the plethora of nonsensical thoughts in my mind.
• Developed my new creative side into being a fully functioning business, which grows along side me, and also allows me to focus on my recovery.
• Had my baking critiqued (positively!) by Michel Roux Jnr, and my writing endorsed by Stephen Fry.
• Raised almost £1000 for Mind

 
 What felt like the end for me, has turned in to the end of a life I would never wish to go back to, and the beginning of a new me.   A less perfect me. 
 
Now I am:

• A me who still hides under a blanket some days, unable to even venture out to shower, but that is ok.
• A me who enjoys accepting where I am each day while I practice yoga and still can’t touch my toes, instead of a me who beats myself up each day for not being fit enough on a cross trainer.
• A me who forgives and learns, instead of holding grudges and wallowing in denial.
• A me who understands that when I thought I had control I was actually being controlled. Previously I would plan as much as I could – to the next minute, day and even year.  Now I am fine about the fact I can barely plan anything as I know that any moment I could slip into a “bad patch”.
• A me who has learned to be open.  I used to think vulnerability would make me needy, now I have no choice but to be vulnerable - and my relationships have deepened drastically.

 
I don’t know what will happen over the next two years, but I do know that what I previously thought was the end turned out to be completely the opposite.   
 
To quote from one of my favourite songs:

​​Thank you for reading my various blogs, and here’s to the ones that are still lurking  and haven’t been written yet.

​Bu xx

I am Liz, I am Bu, I am LizBu, I am Liz Burnett (maiden name) I am Liz Fox (married name), I am wifey-face (pet name from my hubbie-face) I am Elizabeth (used by my brother, who I still call Stephen, even though everyone else seems to call him Steve).
 
I am NOT anxiety.  I am NOT Depression.  These are things I have, not things that make me who I am.
 
It has taken a long time (over 30 years) for me to work out what it means to be true to yourself, and to discover your own identity.  Having been given labels from when I was still in single figures of age, I attached myself to them and I became solely made of them.  When I went from being “a smart one” in primary school to a sea of “smart ones” in a secondary grammar school I had no idea what to do.  I lost who I was, and so I started to grab to any sort of identity I could.  Unfortunately it was the wrong one, but that aspect of my life deserves it’s own post so I will delve into it on a later date.

Until then just remember... 

​Fast forward over 20 years and I am starting to get to know the spirit of me.  I am starting to see what I can do, and I am starting to love spending time with me.    This is wonderful, a true blessing – but then I have a day when I can’t get out of my front door or speak to anyone, and I start to freak out.  Where has that spirit gone? Why can’t I live the life I want to?
 
The problem with mental health issues is that they are a health issue… I know, you would think the name of it would give that away; yet it is still amazing how ignorant so many of us are to them and what they actually mean.  I put myself in the ‘ignorant but becoming less so’ category. I am still learning, and know I will continue to do so for the rest of my life.
 
So when you are faced with a challenge that takes over so many aspects of your life, how do you stop it from defining your life? Most importantly how do you stop it defining who you are?
 
It’s taken me a while to work through these things I am going to share with you.  They each involved their own lessons that I had to learn for myself, but they all help me remain ME on the days I feel anything but the spirited individual I know I truly am.
 
1.  Acceptance. 
We have to accept things that you cannot change.  There is no point driving yourself crazy on the things you cannot change, you are wasting time and energy that could be spent working out how to make the best of a situation.
 
We can develop ourselves, we can strive to grow and learn, but we cannot change who we are at any given present time.
 
When I brush my teeth each day I look myself the eye and I say “I accept me as I am right now”.

I also put something in place to be able to smile a little when I am accepting a bad day.  I recently bought this top from PINK, and when I am having a day when I just have to admit I will not be venturing past the threshold I pull it on.  It is my way of saying “ok, you know you won’t do it, that is allowed.”  This makes me feel safer as when I pull it on I am pulling on acceptance, and I have a barrier against guilt or shame associated with my restrictions.

​2.  Just because something is made for use outside the home, doesn’t mean you have to use it outside the home.  These cups are my favourite example.

I LOVE these Kate Spade cups for so many reasons.  The main one should be obvious (and if you don’t get the instant link I’d love to know how you found this blog post – as it clearly wasn’t via a cake related source!)  but I also love that they are bright, simple, and just utterly beautiful.
 
I use these at home on my tougher days, because they make me feel good.  Also because if I was going to be out and about I would use them, so why should I stop doing something that makes me feel awesome just because I’m not in my car driving somewhere or wandering around the shops.  It is the essence of what you love that makes you who you are – so embrace that no matter where you are.
 
​
3.  Be savvy…
 
I know that I need to go out sometimes to get bits and pieces (90% of the time it seems to be butter, maybe I should just buy a cow.)  so when I am able to get out and about I use that time to “stock up” on my ‘outside errands.  I pop to see a friend, I nip for a coffee with my folks and I stock up on butter.
 
Then when I have a day when I am stuck I look at what can be on my radar that day.  It might be listing my receipts and finances, or I may update the photos on my website.  I might sit down and write, or I may work on some fondant detailing for upcoming cake commissions.
 
If I am unable to bring myself to do anything then I let that happen too, but the trick is to have some “housebound bits” that are there to be done if I’m stuck inside and I can face it.  In turn this takes away the feeling of missing out, and it eliminates the thought of being useless as I can’t even take the bins out.  I have tasks to do that would have needed doing anyway, so I’m being useful and I am still contributing to my life.  I am still being ME.
 
I use special stationary (check out these beauties below, all made by Knock Knock) for making these lists, as this is means I am using something special that really makes my heart sing.  Once again using things that I know I love helps me keep my sprit alive on darker days.

4.  Let someone know.
 
This was one of the hardest things for me, but now if I am having a bad day I will let Mr. BuBakes know.  Not because I expect him to fix it, but because I want to be a kind and considerate wife.  I want him to know that he may come home to a struggling wifey-face.  I think it is fair to say it has taken a lot from both of us to work out how this can work for us, but now if he knows I have been struggling in the day he will come home and give me a hug before making me a cuppa.  He knows he can’t solve it or take it away, and we both accept that fact.
 
The real game changer here is that just by making him aware and giving him a little heads up, there is that bit of “me” that is making contact with him.  That simple one line of communication “just so you know I’m having a rough day” shows the considerate side of me that I never want to lose, it also makes a connection and automatically you are in it together, and I find this helps me stop the illness defining who I am and how I treat those around me.

5.  I use essential oils. 
​
If I am having a low day I will diffuse some essential oils into my home.  I will choose something uplifting such as wild orange or lime, which is zesty and helps reduce the cabin fever aspect of being stuck indoors.
 
There is something to aid with every feeling and I genuinely feel blessed that I have discovered them.   As I like to share my experiences of them with others, I also feel I keep the connection with my true self when I use them  - again this helps me remember that I am still me.

You can check out the awesome range by Doterra on my very own online store link.
 

​​I hope those have helped someone out there a little.  It is difficult to keep a connection with yourself when you are overcome by something invisible and all consuming – but I promise you there are ways to help.
 
I would always recommend putting a few things in place when you are having a good day, this also recognizes that you will have bad days and you know it – but that you accept it, and you know you are worthy of helping yourself through those days.
 
They say singing is incredibly therapeutic, so lets end this on a high note.

​All together now…
 
"It's my world that I want to have a little pride in
My world and it's not a place I have to hide in
Life's not worth a damn
Until you can say I am what I aaaaaaaam..."

Take care
Bu xx 
​

As someone who used to love being in control – Hang on.  Scrap that.  Let’s start again.
 
As someone who used to have to be in control, the idea of not knowing what was round the corner terrified me.  Surely if I didn’t know what was coming, it meant I was ill prepared, or unaware of my surroundings. 
 
Even if something great happened unexpectedly, I would worry that it was impeding any arranged plans.  Or worse, I would worry that I couldn’t get the most from it as I hadn’t read up on it, or geared myself up to appreciate its greatness.
 
Hardly surprising that I drove myself crazy and had a total melt down really.

​While this may seem to some a recollection of a horror filled period of my life, it actually culminated in the demise of my mental health, which in turn created a highly beneficial surprise. 
 
Suddenly I had no choice about what I did.  I couldn’t go out, I couldn’t speak to anyone.  All I could do was decorate cakes.  That had never, ever been part of the programme. 
 
I couldn’t plan – there was no way I could arrange to meet someone, or even plan to nip to the supermarket.  I literally couldn’t do a thing!
 
By not being able to go to work, I couldn’t stay in my job.  By not being able to speak to friends, I couldn’t arrange to meet up.  By not being able to plan even as far as the next hour in time, I was forced to just live in the moment.  Admittedly those moments weren’t always full of ‘life’, but being in them did force me to take a direction I hadn’t even considered could exist.

​It wasn’t a clean path; it wasn’t an easily identifiable path.  It was simply a choice of two options each day – bake a cake and decorate it in the hope it would keep my panic attacks at bay for a little longer, or go back to bed and hide. 
 
Each time that I chose to bake I ended the day panic attack free, and I had a photo of a cake to share, which helped my interaction (albeit virtual) with others.
 
Gradually, even on the days when I couldn’t drag myself into the kitchen, I used the time when I was hiding away to write.  I hoped that someone out there might understand what was happening to me.  I guess for the first time ever I was admitting that I didn’t have control, and I was hoping someone else would take the reins.
 
As time has passed, I have still found myself having days when I hide away, or I can’t quite do the things I want to.  I have learned not to fight these, and I am starting to accept that sometimes bypassing the expectations I have of myself is it’s own form of healthy control.
 
Sometimes, inaction is an action in itself. 

​While terrifying, I have been able to see the benefits of standing back and allowing things to happen.   This path I have found myself on has brought about doors for me to glimpse though that otherwise would have remained firmly shut. 
 
I have been able to write about anxiety, and was so honored to have my blog post shared by Stephen Fry.  I had the opportunity to bake for An Extra Slice, and even have Michel Roux Jr taste my food (and like it!) 
​

​However these big occasions are not the only factors that have helped me rebuild myself. 
 
Those building blocks have come in the shape of the amazing baking community I interact with each day, who are a continued source of support and encouragement.  (A big thank you to all of my lovely Twitter followers, to the #bakebehaviour, the #sundaybakingclub and #bakershour families!). 
 
I have met local businesswomen who have taught me that there is a force in a passionate woman that simply cannot be matched.  I have been able to spend time with my friends and their babies, who help me to put so much into perspective (and always give honest feedback on my cakes!).
 
I know that some of these building blocks give me a source of strength that will have an impact on the future me. 

​Only this week I have been able to announce that I have been asked by the Cake and Bake show to join their community and become one of their official bloggers. 

Suddenly I am in a position where I can chat about my newfound love of baking, and I can share with more people how it has not only changed but also saved my life.  If a slight increase of exposure can help just one person to explore a new way of working with their mental health obstacles, or can assist in killing the unnecessary mental health stigma, then I will be delighted.
 
The opportunity does bring some challenges itself, for example I will need to negotiate my way into London, work my way around the stalls, speak to exhibitors, go to classes, maybe even interview the odd celebrity here and there.  I will then have to put my thoughts and ponderings out there for more people to see! 
 
These are some serious challenges that my anxiety is going to relish in, and it will no doubt try to prevent me from overcoming them.  While I never know exactly how it may manifest itself, and I can’t stop it -
 
 (at this point can I just go off on a slight tangent and say I really wish I could stop my anxiety, but believe me, telling me “just don’t worry” just doesn’t work – it’s amazing how many people suggest that!)

​                                 - I do know that I will give absolutely everything I have to be there and to relish in the experience.   

​There was a time that I would have planned who I would see, what I would buy. And let’s be honest, I would know what I would bake for the following month using said purchases.
 
Instead, I am now scrolling through the sponsors… From Neff (the guys who make the amazing sliding oven doors on British Bake Off) to The Cake Decorating Company, and Dr Oetker  to Cake Masters - there are some amazing brands involved. 

I am looking up exhibitors, and there are over 160 of them - I think I will have my work cut out feeding back to you on them!

I am browsing through the people who are taking master classes.  John Waite will be there, and so will Greg Wallace, there is even a LIVE British Bake Off arena, where past stars will be recreating their famous bakes and answering questions.  

There is a whole bunch of question marks, and unfilled spaces in my knowledge regarding some of the celebrities and exhibitors, and I can't wait to set out on my own little treasure hunt, looking to fill them.

So I guess I’d like to say thank you to the Cake and Bake show for this amazing opportunity.  Thank you to you for reading this post and sticking with me for the last thousand or so words, I hope we will have many blog related adventures together.
 
Also, I’d like to say that if you have some worries about whether things are going as intended, or are concerned that you aren’t quite on the right path, have a look and appreciate what is around you.    
 
I’m off to have a nose at the best way to get to the Cake and Bake show, but when it comes to planning my path around the exhibition, I think I’ll leave my highlighters alone and just see where I end up.   After all, so far this unplanned path has brought me here – and to be honest, I am rather enjoying the view. 

Hope to see you there! 
​Bu x

I just had one of those moments when I thought "I MUST share this; maybe noone will see it, maybe it will just be there for me to read in the future, but I must do it".

I was trying to explain to someone how I try to manage aspects of my mental health.  One of the ways I do it is via this blog. I strive to fight the stigma that is attached to mental health issues.  The stigma is huge, and stale and will take so much chipping away at.  

It has formed over time, and now has so many layers, each like a layer that has to be removed.  Some are like limestone, some like shale; others like composite rocks - opinions and prejudices that have all gathered together to make one larger established opinion.  

If I can reach some people through my blog then they can help me chip away at a layer; then they mention mental health to someone else and that chips away at another layer, and so on. 

Then, on bad days it's in front of me; and while I may feel like I'll never be able to do those things again, it was ME who jotted them down, so it is like a sign from ME that I might just be ok. 

I don't know if that makes sense?

I named this post in honour of an amazing woman I know who is currently undergoing chemotherapy.  She always encourages me to take baby steps, and highlighted this morning that my diary is one of them.  That is why I felt I'd like to share what I do, just in case that baby step can help others.  

This lady pointed out today that we approach our illnesses in similar ways, even though hers is more physical than mine.  What a wonderful thing for someone like me to hear.  Here I am trying to remove the stigma attached to mental health, and someone in the throes of a most crippling illness highlights that we are choosing to work through it all in a similar way.  

Both of our illnesses are crippling in their own way, and both deserve support and understanding.  The point I made in response to this lady, is that I feel how we choose to battle our illnesses is what defines us deep down. The illnesses affecting us are parasites that try to stop us being us.  The illnesses try to define us.  They take over us on our bad days, so it's up to us to build defenses on our good ones. 

I'd like to finish by asking you to think about real baby steps, whether you are ill or not I think there is a point here that is valid for us ALL in life.   

We can't remember it, but we fell so many times when we were learning to take baby steps.  Heck, I still fall over now!  So it's ok if we seem to be making progress with something and then stack it.  After all, we all got there in the end with the walking, didn't we?

Thank you for reading, and take care

Bu xx

One thing that was interesting for me was the amount of replies I had to my blog “What’s going on in there” from men.  

In fact it was the manner in which some replied that I really found telling.  I had more men contact me privately than women, and I had more men contact me privately than men who replied directly (and publicly) on the blog.

Perhaps there is someone you know who may be struggling, but doesn’t know what to do.  While individual signs of depression may seem similar to “just how people can be” if your mate is showing a few of the following, there is a chance something may be up:

-       Is he grumpy? Ok.  Let’s not get personal, some people are grumpy, some people like to complain.  However if your mate is suddenly bitching about the small things in life, it could be that they are trying to express their frustrations about something else.  He may not want to express his negative feelings towards his life, and so may project the feelings onto trivial matters instead.

-       Each time you see him does he seem increasingly run down?   Is he looking like he had a wild night out the night before, when you know he didn’t?  Depression can disturb sleep, and increase feelings of fatigue.  Perhaps he’s starting to arrive late more and more, and has been oversleeping.  These are all signs that something might be up.

-       Had he suddenly changed his interests and activities, shying away from things he used to love? Maybe he was always nagging you for a round of golf, or a kick about; but now he makes excuses not to play.  Depression can bring a loss of interest or pleasure for activities in life.

-       Perhaps it’s the opposite and he has suddenly taken up every sport and activity possible? He may be trying to escape from something and find thrills to compensate for his depression. 

-       Did he used to have a healthy interest in all things “physical” but now he seems to have lost that “spring in his step”? Yes I’m taking about sex here. Men can avoid intimacy when they are feeling low, and this in turn can mean they pull away from any possibility of being emotionally exposed to someone. On the flip side you might suddenly wonder why your mate has started looking almost obsessively for sexual exploits, again in a bid to thrill seek.

You may be thinking “hang on, if my mate wants to play golf all the time, or doesn’t then he may be depressed? If my mate is obsessed with sex, or doesn’t want it then he might be depressed? This is a bit hard to work out!” and you would be right.

It can be difficult to tell when someone is suffering.  I can assure you though, that it is harder to recognize it in yourself when you are the one battling.  That’s where our friends and family come into play.  They are the people who will be able to objectively notice changes, and may be affected by those changes.  It’s up to us as friends and family to look after those we love, just as we would hope they would for us. 

 Of course I can’t cover all symptoms here, as everyone is different and mental health is not an exact science.  I just hope these symptoms give an idea of what to look for. 

If you feel a pal might be having a hard time, what should you do? It’s a tricky one.  Try to talk to them without making it too huge a deal (I can assure you that suddenly having someone say “I think you may be depressed” is the most terrifying thing to hear and can make you run a mile!”)  

Ask them how they are doing.  Let them know that you care; you have noticed a few changes in them and that wondered if everything is ok.  

If you think there may be a bigger problem, let them know that it is ok if there is, and that they can’t help being affected.  Try and encourage them to speak to a doctor, but if they are hesitant then you could mention any articles/blogs you may have seen that talk about mental health.  This may help them decide if they are having a bit of a battle, and also reassure them that there are lots of others in the same boat. 

 The one thing we shouldn’t do is ignore it if we think there could be a problem.  

Mental health can be hard to talk about, but that should be because it is a sensitive matter, not because there is any stigma attached to it.  If your mate was in pain physically, you’d think nothing of saying “go and get it checked out”; so why shy away from helping a mate who may be in pain emotionally?

 
I’d like to end this blog post by noting that today would have been Robin Williams’ 64th birthday.  
Sometimes people commit everything they have to making others laugh, when they themselves are unable to.  

Thanks for reading 

Bu xx 

When I posted my last blog “what’s going on in there” I didn’t know what to expect.  I just hoped that if anyone read it then it would have been a useful use of that few minutes. I hoped that if they had no experience of anxiety that they may find it interesting; and if they did have experience then perhaps some of my personal thoughts may ring true, providing confirmation that they aren’t alone.

The response I received was so heartwarming - and I would like to thank those who contacted me on here, via email, on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.   You didn't only read my blog, you helped me prove to a tiny part of my anxious mind that I was right to post it.

There was one theme that did seem to occur in most communication about the post, and that was about the need (and problems involved) for communication.  This was mentioned by people on both sides of the anxiety fence.   There seems to be a lack of confidence in people to articulate their daily (hourly) battles, and a lack of certainty about what to say to someone who does have anxiety.

This is a bit of a catch 22.  No one wants to offend, sound stupid or bring the subject up for fear it may worsen things.  Frustratingly it couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Of course we know that logic doesn’t really work alongside anxiety, however I am hoping we can all be encouraged to act on it being #timetotalk. 

 

Lets start at the beginning...Here are some reasons people with anxiety may not want to talk:

-       We don’t know how. 
-       We don’t know what we want to say.
-       We don’t know what we want you to say.
-       We don’t want to bore you.
-       We don’t want to ask for help.
-       We don’t want to look like we’re just craving attention.
-       We are worried you will reject us and make our paranoia a sure thing.
-       If you reject us we are in a worse place than we already are. 
-       We don’t want you to feel awkward.
-       We’re worried you may catergorise us as some sort of nutter if you really knew what is happening in our mind.
-       How can we make you know what is happening in our mind when we don’t know ourselves.
-       What if we say something wrong, or give you the wrong end of the stick about something? Then we’d not only       have to correct it, but also try again to explain while knowing we’d already failed once!
-       Have I bored you with examples yet?
-       I wonder if anyone is still reading.
-       Why am I still typing? I’m so alone.
-       Maybe people are reading to humour me. Or sneer at me?
-       Hang on, back to the subject at hand…


As an aside - while I was typing just now I gradually felt my chest getting tighter, my breathing start to hurt, and my eyes started darting around in case anyone noticed.  The thought processes run away with me, and as I lose control of my mind I lose control of the physical symptoms.  


Just thought I’d throw that in as a real time example.  I wonder if I’ll delete it.  

 
An on the other side, here are some reasons people who don’t have anxiety may not want to talk about it:

-       It’s a bit odd isn’t it? Mental health.  It's a bit... mental. 
-       What if I upset them?
-       What if they start to show symptoms of getting anxious? I won't know what to do.
-       I tried before, they just cried, then snapped at me and said they didn’t know why they were crying.
-       They seem ok, so they must be ok, mustn’t they?
-       What can I actually do to stop it?
-       I’m sure they talk all they need to with their therapist.
-       They’re not having therapy so maybe they don’t need to talk.
-       I know other people with anxiety, so I know what’s going on.
-       Surely it’s better not to bring it up when everything is fine?
-       I love them so much, and I don’t know how to fix it.  If I say something I’ll have to admit that.
-       I think they'll need to be in a 'good place' to be able to talk about it, so I will wait for them to bring it up when           they are able to.


Here’s the deal.
Talking about anxiety is hard.  It is scary.  It is awkward.  

It is also crucial.  We have to start a more productive and beneficial path.  

Just by reading this you are showing you have some sort of interest or attachment to the situation (I am being positive, and not letting myself think you are reading to scorn me!) and so that means that you can be part of this change.

Here’s how I see it… (AKA THE MASTERPLAN!):

Once we start to talk about it there will be a better understanding by everyone... 

 Which will make it easier to address...

 Which will make those suffering feel there is less of a stigma...

 Which will make it easier to bring up...

 Which will help those who don’t suffer share and help their loved ones...

 Which will make it easier to converse about...

 Which will mean people get help more easily and sooner...

 Which will improve management of their mental health... 

 Which will make them stronger and happier... 

 Which will make the world easier for those around them... 

 Which will make the world a far better place.

 
BOOM. 

At the moment I am away with Mr. BuBakes and so the matter of communication is a huge one.  (To any potential burglar we have house sitters, so save yourself the bother – plus due to my anxiety I’ve pretty much packed everything we own and brought it with us anyway!) 

 
Of course we have our home balance of how I manage my anxiety.  However, being away from home in a new situation without any of my structures in place brings potential pitfalls.  It also throws us unforeseen challenges for me to face, and indeed for us to face.  Being here for a couple of days has already thrown a few of these up; and has led to some difficult attempts at communicating, explaining and trying to “figure it out”.  The anxiety also means I have trouble sleeping.  These things combined means it’s a great time for me to really reflect on communication, struggles as they happen, and victories when we work it through.  


Coming up I will be posting several posts in an attempt to articulate how communication affects both parties in a relationship, and hopefully give some tricks that we find helps us with this. 


As always thank you for reading, have a fantastic day - and remember...

Bu xx

As many of you know, 2014 was a real wake up year for me; I was floored by my anxiety in April and have been battling it since.  This has not only changed the things I can physically and mentally achieve, but has also made me reconsider what counts as real achievement.  How much have I been striving to accomplish because it’s what I think I should accomplish, and how much of my energy has been dedicated to the things that are actually important to me?

There are two particular moments from 2014 that spring to mind when I consider this.  

The first was when I was considering applying for a job.  It was the same as my current role but closer to home, so would have saved me 10 hours travelling time a week (and a small fortune in petrol).  My work life balance from these two factors alone could have changed hugely.   I confided in someone and was told not to go for it, that I should stay where I was for a while longer, and I shouldn’t try to move on before I was ready.   My confidence was completely shattered and so I didn’t apply.  A couple of weeks later this person confessed that of course I could have got the new post, but they hadn’t wanted me to.

The second moment was 3 months after my anxiety was diagnosed.  I said to someone that I wanted to dedicate some of my time to do something for Mind, and I was told that I didn’t want to do that, and I wouldn’t be able to make the difference that I wanted to or thought I could.   6 months later and now when I think of that conversation it makes me so angry.  Who says I can’t make a difference?

So, for 2015 here is my plan.  I shall have no set plans.  


Ok, old habits die hard, I shall have no set plans other than the following...  

My focus needs to be on building myself back up, that’s an exciting and large enough goal for me.  I will continue to talk about my anxiety, as if it reduces the stigma for just one person then that is a real difference. Lastly, for every order I receive through BuBakes in 2015 I will donate 25p to Mind.  I think that will do for now… 


Our lesson to start the year with...

Take care lovelies x

If someone had asked me 6 months ago what my thoughts on anxiety were, I’m not sure I would have had many opinions to voice.  I guess I thought it was someone being more worried than usual, and that they were likely to avoid situations that made them feel uneasy.  

If someone were to ask me about it now, I still don’t know quite what I’d say; but that’s because I have been battling with anxiety disorder since April.  

This may be news to a lot of my friends or family who read this (if they do in fact read my blog – what a great way to find out if they do!) as I have kept it largely to myself while trying to work what my anxiety is is all about and how I can control it.  I think I may have worried that people may not know about anxiety, and therefore I haven’t known how to speak to them about it.

Due to this I want to take a few steps to try and communicate about it with people, but not in a preachy way – I want to approach it in a way that actually helps; and think raising awareness about aspects of anxiety in a ‘real’ way is key.

For today I thought I would attempt to describe how feeling edgy and anxious can affect breathing.  It’s one of the main signs of anxiety, and I’m eager to try and explain how it feels to those who have not experienced it.   

So, uneasy breathing…

For those of you who are athletic, think of that feeling when you can’t quite get your breathing right (normally at the beginning of a run) and you are totally aware of the fact.  

You know that you know how to breathe, and you know that you should be able to do so naturally, so why on this occasion won’t it fall into timing.  You try adjusting your stride length or the tempo of your music but it doesn’t help. 

Got that image and recall how frustrating it is? Well that is the feeling – only those moments where your breath catches in your throats can affect someone who is anxious at any time, even when they are sitting down with a cuppa.

Maybe you’re not athletic?  Ok, cast your mind back to a time when you have been faced with lots and lots stairs, or are having to rush along.  You are very aware you’re your fitness is being tested and you can’t breathe properly.  The problem is that you don’t want anyone else to know that you are struggling and so you try to hide the fact, all the time you are getting warmer and warmer… 

If you’re lucky that will be as bad as it gets, but imagine at that point someone starts talking to you, - so you have to try to have a conversation, all the time trying to appear calm but inside wondering when you can gasp for air?  You are conscious of the burning sensation, and the fact that no matter what you do you can’t pretend that everything is “a-ok”... 

If you can cast your mind to those feelings of not being able to inhale enough while trying to subtly gulp as much air as you can, and then add to that the feeling of someone having their hands around your throat while standing on your chest (a very agile someone, it seems!) then you are getting close to how it feels for someone struggling with breathing due to anxiety.  Combine it with a emotions that may include desperation, shame and frustration, and you are there.

The problem with being in this situation (other than the obvious) is that the more you are aware of breathing being an issue the worse it becomes, and the more your breath catches.  Also unlike the other situations, sitting down and taking some time doesn’t automatically rectify the situation.  

What can you do if this is affecting you, or someone you are with?   

Understanding why it happens and escalates does really help.  The slightly ironic thing in this case is the fact that you feel like you can’t inhale but that largely due to the fact that you’re probably not exhaling.  

When you are inhaling in short sharp breaths you can’t suddenly take a deep breath without first exhaling a long breath – go ahead and try it, the attempt at a large in breath will stick in your throat.  

Also when you breathe in a short sharp manner you get chest pain and heaviness due to the stress you have placed on your muscles in your chest (its common to feel like you are having heart problems in a panic attack, but the pain is your chest, not your heart).  

The lack of deep breaths can make you lightheaded and dizzy, it increases your heart rate.   Different people are affected to different levels, if my anxiety turns into a full panic attack I I also get numbness in my hands.  All of these symptoms are scary and can start a downward spiral of panic.  This is why I feel it is important to understand why they are happening, as at least then they are slightly less alarming (only slightly).

So there you have it, I guess my closing point for this post is just to say remember to exhale – I know it’s the opposite of what instincts may say, but I promise it really does help.

If you’ve made it this far then thanks for reading.  I hope that the post has been useful in some way for you even if it’s just slightly increasing awareness or understanding.  

All the very best to everyone 

Bu x