What's going on in there?

30/4/2015

Baking and cake decorating calms me. I don’t know why. I didn’t do it prior to my implosion last year, yet it is without doubt my natural Valium.

Sadly, people have questioned how I can be baking and setting up BuBakes when I am “sick”, and I can only say that those people don’t understand the kind of “sick” that I am. That’s absolutely fine - I didn’t understand it before, and I still can’t fully get to grips with it now.

That’s exactly why I want to try to articulate some of what I experience. This isn't an attempt to preach, educate or self promote. It's simply a step for me, as I aim to do my bit to reduce the stigma around Mental Health.

I'll try to keep it succinct, relevant and clear, I hope this gives an insight into the ways anxiety has affected me over the past 12 months.

It's important to remember that anxiety is not one size fits all; people have different triggers, ways of coping and struggles. These don't always make sense, and cannot necessarily be pinpointed. I still can’t speak to someone I know on the phone without it becoming a real ordeal, yet I can go to a foreign country and speak to a sales assistant there. Go figure. The following is purely my experience; and while there are similarities between people, I would never profess to be speaking on behalf of all sufferers.

Here goes, some things that are 'going on in there'...

1. It’s exhausting just “being”.

My mind concocts 100 possible scenarios for every passing moment, and they all seem to need processing. It's like cramming for an exam, and trying to work through textbooks full of information, all the time.

Not just for a few hours, we are talking about every waking moment. No matter what.

2. When told not to worry about something, that isn’t actually an option.

Logically I may know it’s not worth worrying about, but that doesn’t change my feelings. Embellishing on this point - there is no logic. This is torture for someone who likes things to be black and white. Until now I've rarely dealt with grey, let alone a whole spectrum ranging from charcoal to silver, or mercury to light black.

An example of irrational worrying was recently when I was in Starbucks. I KNEW that when I chose to leave it was highly unlikely that I'd slip, trip over a bag, fall through the door, and get outside to find someone waiting for me with a gun - all as a pigeon shat on me. However, even though I knew this, I did not FEEL this.

The fear I had was gripping, as though it were a guaranteed series of events. Knowing and feeling are not connected for me at the moment. Frustratingly this means I KNOW they aren’t connected, but I can’t do anything with this knowledge to regulate my feelings.

3. While I'm great at playing Devils Advocate, please don’t assume I’m negative.

Yes I may not be able to stop myself rustling up many negative outcomes, but that doesn’t mean I'm a pessimist. In fact, I always try to be optimistic, and strive to help my friends see and achieve the positive. I am incredibly grateful for everything I have.

4. “Friendship” is so much more than a word. I'm floored by how amazing some people in my life are. I know that they don’t fully “get” what is going on with me, yet they love the “me” that is behind this confusion.

Recently in Vegas and I had a “bad day”. Even looking at our room door left me shaking and in tears. I was pretty freaked out myself, so I can only imagine how my friend felt. Not only was she faced with a crying incomprehensible wreck, but also she was on holiday and this inexplicable situation was stopping the two of us going out. This friend did the best thing possible - she just sat and held me, then she tucked me up and ventured downstairs to the shop to buy us snacks.

What she may never understand is that the real comfort for me was the knowledge that she didn’t expect or need an explanation. She just let me be.

With these people in my life, a new level of trust has been formed; when they say that it will be ok, I'm able to blindly believe it. I may be able to argue against them with examples and facts to the contrary of what they say (devils advocate striking again!), but with this select few I'm able to accept that they may be right.

5. Sometimes I am still a badass!

I’ve always been of the mindset “man up and get over it”, which I have discovered doesn’t mesh well with anxiety. It’s simply not possible. Really. It’s not. I tried – and I used to be so good at it! That said I do occasionally have moments when “Grrr Liz” strikes.

On Monday I went to a networking meeting for the first time. I. Was. Terrified.

Rather than try and put up a front, I tackled the meeting as myself - I opened up about my anxiety at the same time as introducing my business, and I found people accepting both of me and what I was doing. The support and inspiration I found was above anything I could have expected, I have received more messages of support and encouragement since the meeting, and I am delighted that I went.

When I left I was shaking, and I know that when I go to the next meeting I’ll be dreading it. This is because my anxiety will heighten. However, while I may always struggle in social situations, it doesn’t mean that I have to avoid them forever.

Accepting who I am and what my boundaries are is something I have struggled with before. The fact I'm learning to do so now is badass in itself.

I seriously love this woman...!

6. I have had to accept there is no shelf life to my situation. There are good days, and bad days. Heck, there are good hours and bad hours.

Sadly I can go for a lovely meal with Mr. BuBakes, have a wonderful evening with him, and then go to bed and lay awake for hours wondering if it was all a smoke screen for the fact he actually hates who I am.

The only way I can think to explain this is to compare it to the morning after a heavy night. Imagine the following…

It’s 11.30am and you think you have got away with not feeling after effects. You’ve gone into town for a walk and a cuppa; and just as you get to your table with your coffee a wave of nausea sweeps over you. You have no choice but to concentrate solely on not being sick, and you can feel yourself starting to sweat. You know you're nodding blankly at the person talking to you, and all you can think is how to excuse yourself and whether you can make it home or not.

That feeling of “how on earth did I think I had got away with it” is similar to my thinking “how did I think I was going to have a good day that would last”. Although you know you will be ok again eventually (and you promise that you will never ever drink again!), you can’t feel in any part of your body or soul that the agony will end.

It must be a frustrating thing for those around me, and I'm often convinced that they MUST be bored of me and my bad days by now. It makes it very scary to tell someone if it is a “bad day”, just in case it is the last straw for him or her.

7. I don’t believe that people with an anxiety disorder deserve a pat on the back for having it.

It is not heroic to have a condition; what is amazing though, is seeing the ways in which people accept and work with what they have going on. Acknowledge limitations, but don’t allow an illness to limit your potential. Adjust your focus to accept factors in your life, and then keep going.

8. If someone with anxiety asks you for help, that’s a HUGE compliment.

In my case, not only am I ridiculously proud, stubborn and afraid of failure; but I fear that if I were to ask someone for help, they would feel obliged to help or listen to me. If someone has reached out to you then be proud – for someone to be that vulnerable with you (especially when they are doubting themselves so much), means you really are trusted.

9. Feeling anxious about something is not the same as having an anxiety disorder.

It’s natural to feel anxious about something bad that could happen, but it is not the same when you are anxious about multiple unlikely events at once, and all the time. The clue is in the word disorder.

I liken this to a moment you almost step into a road when you shouldn’t. You gasp as you narrowly miss being hit, and it’s like you actually feel your heart jump - everything seems heightened, and for a while you can't think of anything else. Gradually that feeling fades, and you go about your every day life. That gut wrenching feeling of "that was too close" is one I can spend days feeling, constantly.

10. This is not a choice, an easy way out, laziness or a way to get attention. It saddens and pains me to have to even point this out, but I do.

There are so many other things I could say, I do worry that I am boring you all though. If you know someone who is suffering from anxiety, this is not a be all and end all guide. However, please know that while you may not fully understand their situation, it doesn’t mean that you can’t help them deal with it. Perhaps seeing if any of these points ring true could be a way to open communication with them.

If you suffer from anxiety and you have any ways in which it affects you that you think others should be aware of, then do please share them if you feel happy to do so. My interest in the condition reaches far beyond my situation, and I would be honored if you would give me an insight into your battles.

Thanks for reading, take care everyone

Bu xx

BuBakes is committed to reducing the stigma attached to Mental Health, and personally donates 25p for every order received to MIND. This is kindly matched by two generous supporters, meaning a 75p donation is made per order. If you would like to find out more about MIND, or make a donation you can do so here.

109 Comments

Elliot Symonds link

29/4/2015 06:55:32 am

Bu,
Good words, well written. Found you because of my friend Caroline who said this was a perfect piece about anxiety.
I understand entirely and admire you.
Be brilliant. Be ORCsome.
Elliot

29/4/2015 08:57:01 am

Thanks so much Elliot - It's great to hear that the piece has been so well received by you (and Caroline - do pass on my thanks to her too!)

I hope you were able to find some benefit through reading it, and am very grateful that you took the time to comment - It means a lot.

Also, thank you for introducing me to the word "ORCsome". Big smiles here...!

All the very very best xx

Linda Hugh-Jones

29/4/2015 08:42:24 am

What a brave, thoughtful and inspiring story. I feel for you and wish I could give you a hug but send them mentally anyway. I am struggling with depression and major life changing events and counselling really helps. Just saying it loud (or on the web) is a very courageous thing to do and from one survivor to another, you go girl xx

29/4/2015 09:02:08 am

Oh Linda - thank you for taking the time to read my post and also to comment. I'd be lying if I said my mind hadn't been conjuring up all the worst case scenarios of my posting it all day, so reading your comment gave me a real moment of relief.

Am sorry to hear that you are struggling too, but just remember that you are still going with it and that means that you are winning. Never underestimate how much of a badass that makes you :)

You keep going girl! Make sure you check in on later posts and if you feel up to it let me know how you are getting on. Virtual hugs and support can massively help, and I'm here with those in abundance!

Thank you again xxx

16/6/2015 09:34:36 am

Hi Bu - after seeing your fudge post on FB I thought I'd just check in here to say hi again, and I see all these wonderful comments to your story. So congratulations, you really did a great thing! The more people talk, post, discuss, think or just become aware of the issues round mental health the more people are given the courage to seek help and get better.

I'm nearly through my counselling now, and it is a long, rocky road but it leads somewhere......a better place with deeper views and greater understanding. Something the world could do with more of, in my humble.

I found that music and guided meditation have helped me. The latter was my Counsellor's suggestion, the former was my own discovery, but brought about by my desire to confront those pesky demons and allow myself to feel. And I didn't die, I didn't stop breathing.....I did cry, but that was good. There was acceptance along with the pain.

Such as it is, this is my update for you, which comes with love and hugs. Thought....have you ever made a cake just for you? With all your flair and skill, it would be a thing of beauty I know, but if it was just for you, to remind yourself how great you are despite the pesky demons, you'd be entitled to feel especially proud.

Linda xoxo

Dianne

29/4/2015 11:18:02 am

Liz - I wish I could print this off and make it compulsory reading! What a great account and what a generous gesture to share it with everyone. I wish I could explain to my macho and bullying senior management that the anxiety they provoke with their behaviour affects me profoundly for days afterwards. I wish I could explain why leaving the house grips me with such panic at times. I wish I knew why, similarly to you, I lie awake and imagine the worst case scenarios. It was brave of you to put this out there. Thank you.

29/4/2015 11:45:41 pm

Good morning Dianne - thank you so much for your message. I'm sorry to hear you experience such similar struggles and obstacles - it is one of those strange things where it is sad to hear of others who suffer but there is a comfort in knowing how many people seem to. It's another reason why talking about it is so vital - there is too much stigma and too much isolation connected to MH, which is just not necessary and toxic.

Do please share it with as many people as you can if you feel able to. As someone who has other people as her main anxiety trigger I can totally empathise with the situation you find yourself in at work - do please try to find a way to protect yourself from them, it's not fair that you should have to go through so much at the hands of others.

Within you all the very best, and thank you once again xx

Luisa

29/4/2015 11:57:16 pm

Fabulous piece - so glad you shared, almost could have written this myself
Wish I could make everyone read this! X

30/4/2015 12:44:35 am

Thanks Luisa, I don't know about you but I just want to shout it all from the rooftops - there are too many people suffering for there to be such a level of unawareness. I'm glad it rang true for you, at least it means we're not alone in how we feel. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment on the post. I hope that if anyone you know reads it then they are able to benefit from it, and that you may receive more understanding due to it.

xx

Penelope link

30/4/2015 01:51:01 am

What a wonderful, articulate and heartfelt article. I have many clients who have experienced anxiety in the way you have described and blogs such as yours help those people to feel they are not alone and others to have a better understanding. Well done you!

30/4/2015 02:15:43 am

Thank you Penny - you have described exactly what I wanted to achieve by publishing the post, which is a huge boost for me. I believe people need to be allowed to look after themselves both physically and mentally, without any stigma or scorn for their condition.

Having looked at your website I shall definitely be exploring new ways of balancing myself and strengthening myself. I have always wanted to try reflexology and I think you may have planted a seed for me to give it a go!

Thanks again for reading my post, and for taking the time to respond.

All the very best xx

Office Rabbit

20/5/2015 12:16:51 am

An excellent account of what it feels like to be in the grip of anxiety and the catastrophic that comes with it - thank you

22/5/2015 07:22:34 am

It's my absolute pleasure (and fear, but mainly pleasure!) - I hope that in someway it helped xx

barb sobel link

8/6/2015 03:04:47 am

yes. holy cow, yes. the "rarely do i have a thought by itself" drawing. keep on keeping on.

8/6/2015 06:45:24 am

Thank you barb - and you... (the drawing is so apt isn't it!)

Bu x

Olivia Applewhite link

8/6/2015 03:14:03 am

This is perfect. I love the fact that you haven't honed in one any kind of anxiety in particular. It's not a fear of anything, it's just fear. It's just the way it is. Thank you so much for sharing this, you've helped me validate the things I'm going through and like so many others, I wish I could make this compulsory reading for anyone who dares have an opinion without fully understanding the complexity of anxiety and it's various forms.

8/6/2015 06:47:05 am

Thank you Olivia - that means so much. I encourage as many people to share the link as possible, I agree that we all need to be educated - sufferers and non sufferers alike. It's the non knowing that feeds the stigma :(

Thank you again for reading and all the very best with what you personally have to battle against. I really do wish you all the best.

Bu x

David

8/6/2015 03:17:40 am

Bu,
Wow! You're so brave to have put this out there. I'm hugely impressed. I hope you get enormous satisfaction from reading the many supportive comments you are now bound to get and that they may somehow magically create more good moments for you in the future. I suffer from own demons, not quite the same as yours, but at times totally debilitating and completely shitty.
Thank you.
David.

8/6/2015 06:49:36 am

Hi David, thank you so much for reading and also taking the time to post. When I first wrote it I just thought it was a more practical way to try to make more people understand than shouting it from the rooftops... (plus shouting it from the rooftops would have relied on me being able to leave the front door!)

I hope that you continue to beat those demons of yours - those shitty ones especially. Thank you for making me smile so much when I read your response - it can take a lot ;)

Bu x

Rebecca

8/6/2015 03:18:34 am

Oh my word, thank you so much for articulating this. As I lay here for the fifth day in a row wondering how I can get out of bed, this might just be the thing that helps me today. Depression and anxiety have been my constant companion since October last year, and altho I have made quite a number of strides, I'm still not where I want to be. If I struggle to understand and deal with this myself, then I can't imagine how hard it is for those around me. You have somehow managed to put those thoughts into words. Thank you, and I really hope that today is a good day x

8/6/2015 03:27:19 am

Stay in bed. Don't stay in bed. It doesn't matter. I'm sending a little digital hug your way in the hope it helps, if only a tiny weeny bit. I understand. Steal a sneaky smile, if you can manage it, and if you can then I hope it grows. xx

8/6/2015 03:43:08 am

Wow, thank you, the nicest, non-judgmental words someone has said to me. They brought tears, but there was definitely a smile behind them! I really hope your thoughtfulness keeps your demons at bay x

8/6/2015 06:56:30 am

Those demons are hanging on to you as you sound like an amazing person to be around David... I'm so proud that you have read and posted on my blog. Seriously, I am.

Bu x

8/6/2015 06:55:09 am

Wow, Rebecca you have a beautiful way with words, am sat here with goosebumps. I am so sorry to hear you are struggling, but it is so good that you are aware that you HAVE made strides. You will continue to do so at the rate you are meant to - so don't pile pressure on yourself. The only firm talking to you need to have with yourself is recognising how badass you are for dealing with this every day.

As another poster wrote "keep on keeping on" and keep in touch - I'd love to hear how you get on.

Bu xx

8/6/2015 04:09:49 pm

Bu, so awesome that you take the time to reply to everyone in such a caring way - you are an inspiration. Thank you for being you and reaching out to all of us x

9/6/2015 12:30:29 am

Hi Rebecca - it wouldn't let me reply directly to your message from last night so I hope you see this.

I just wanted to say that responding to people is the least I can do. I am utterly floored by how many people have identified with my writing, and the fact you have taken the time to respond means so much. After all, not only are you being reassured that you are not alone, but by responding you are letting me know that I am not alone. You're all helping me just as much as I'm helping anyone else...

Well done on making it to Tuesday - do get in touch if you feel up to it or want to (you can use the contact me page on the site) and let me know how you are doing today.

Wishing you all the best for a sun filled day.
Bu xx

Kim Engel link

8/6/2015 03:22:04 am

Hi, Nice to meet you Bu and thanks for writing this post :-) I hope that writing this has helped you as much as it will help others, just to know we're not alone. Writing abou anxiety helped me too... https://kengel100.wordpress.com/2014/12/24/anxiety-or-depression/.

So much of your post rings true for me, especially being able to tackle things at work with ease while struggling to phone a friend and say hi. And feeling like everyone must be sick of my bad days. And on good days I sometimes think that I should just 'harden up a bit' on my bad days.. (facepalm)
I'm not sure how non-sufferers can truly understand, when I can struggle to understand it myself on a good day. Posts like yours can help up to bridge the gap.

Kim

8/6/2015 06:59:01 am

Thanks so much for responding to the post Kim, as soon as I get a couple of minutes spare I'm going to log straight onto your link for a read.

Your feelings surrounding bad days and good days is so true, we really are our worst enemies sometimes - I think that's why we need more non suffered to be aware of these battles we face; and the fact that while these battles may sound laughable and petty, they actually mess with us in a way that is far beyond imaginable to many.

Have a really wonderful day, lets make it a good one :)
Bu x

James link

8/6/2015 03:37:25 am

This is a really great piece. Thank you. I never comment on stuff like this but I wanted to write because I know how important it is to communicate and to know people are listening when you are going through this. I also want you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I had about a year of crippling anxiety for various reasons and I am all too aware that it could come back any time but it's about a year since I really suffered. What helped me most was talking to as many people as possible and a CD my mum bought me called Pass through Panic by Claire Weekes. As you say, it's different for everyone and the core of my anxiety was health related (i.e. fear of totally unlikely instant death whilst, say, looking after my kids in a busy street, or alone on a late night coach - you know the kind of thing!), but this CD really gave me some long lasting strategies which along with a lot of amazing support from my family and friends has got me through.

I really really feel for you. I would wake up shaking, sweating - I would call my wife from the coach back home from London just so I wouldn't be alone when I died (I was convinced) I ended up in hospital a few times being told I was just having a massive panic attack, and not the heart attack I thought I was having. If some one had told me then that I'd go a year without a major episode I just would not have believed them. Anyway, I'm rambling but I hope this helps. keep on truckin'! James

8/6/2015 07:03:17 am

James thank you so much for taking the time to post, especially as you say you never do. That means more to me than I can express (seriously, it does).

It is so wonderful to hear that you have been a year without an major episode, especially when hearing just how much you were suffering. I can't even begin to imagine the terror of having anxiety as a parent - it's a whole other dimension.

Also, thank you for the CD recommendation - I will be checking it out.

Lots of thank you's there! you have made a real difference to my morning, and given me another perspective to consider.

Keep on being you...

Bu x

Neil link

8/6/2015 03:40:27 am

Thank you for writing this, while you've written it from the female perspective it also applies to many parts of my life. I've tried to hide my anxiety for so long, but recently i've done my best to embrace it. Shared on my facebook page.

Helped my day get a wee bit better, Neil

8/6/2015 07:06:17 am

Neil, thank you for taking the time to comment and also for sharing the post.

Anxiety definitely doesn't discriminate between sex, and I think that its certainly something we can all pull together to tackle. I hope that some people read the post and are able to identify in some way with the struggles you may be having.

Admitting you have tried to hide it but are making strides to embrace it is a huge step. Anxiety is part of us, and we're still awesome, it's just time to make sure the rest of the world knows it ;)

Make today a great one - and thank you again
Bu x

Laura link

8/6/2015 03:53:51 am

Wow. I've made so many screenshots of this blog, can't even count them. I have Tourette (including some mild and sometimes bad anxiety that comes with it) and if you change the word anxiety for Tourette in your blog, it would be spot on for my life.
You really wrote down the most amazing words to explain this all. Thank you for that <3

8/6/2015 07:09:36 am

Oh Laura, your response just made me shiver - I am SO pleased that you are able to identify with what I wrote. It just shows that mental health cannot be categorised or put into simple boxes. We all face struggles, stigmas and obstacles; and we must all work together to increase understanding and communication, in order that we are able to reduce the pressure on sufferers.

I hope that the screen shots help - feel free to visit the post as many times as you like ;) I always post about new articles on our Facebook page too if that might help...

Look after yourself

Bu x

8/6/2015 03:58:06 am

Fascinating piece to read - I picked out several points which had me thinking "Ah -THAT's why I do that!" Thank you for sharing your feelings, and for giving me a nudge towards thinking about my own. Wishing you all the very best.

8/6/2015 07:10:49 am

Hi Jo - thanks so much for taking the time to post. I hope those "ah" moments prove helpful for you - if they were a nudge then take this as a shove, you deserve to spend that time thinking about yourself!

Take care of yourself, and thanks again
Bu x

Molly

8/6/2015 04:03:44 am

I was reading this going YES! THIS!
I could do a lot of gushing in this comment but it's basically what all the other comments have said.
The bit about being able to do some things but not others - YES. Explaining to people why I can do things that scare the crap out of them but I can't do basic things they don't bat an eyelid at...

And the bit about it being exhausting. It's the kind of exhausting that given the choice between trying to run a marathon and feeling anxiety exhaustion, you'd go for the marathon. I often think I'd rather have my legs broken than the pain of anxiety. I know that sounds extreme but there it is.

Anyway, won't gush. Just wanted to say thank you. And yay, I now have somewhere to buy special cakes from.

8/6/2015 07:13:30 am

Thanks Molly! Both for identifying with my points (it's so good to know I'm not alone!) but also for your last line, it really made me laugh!

I am delighted that it rang true, not because I want others to suffer, but because I wanted to articulate in a way that might work for non sufferers and help sufferers. I'm hoping that was the case.

You keep going with those demons, and remember there is always someone here if you want to check if any of what you are experiencing is "normal" - we need to always be aware we aren't alone :)

Wishing you all the very best
Bu x

Brendan

8/6/2015 04:19:39 am

I feel this was too, and it has crippled me at points in my life. I have literally lost years of my life due to anxiety preventing me from dealing with important things like work and family. In my case It's caused me some major self esteem problems.

People around me are often frustrated with my behavior and don't understand why making a phone call to talk to my brother is causing me a panic attack. It is absurd and I am aware of it. The obsession over details before and after social situations is the worst. My thoughts after a party are indeed the hang over that can prevent me from focusing on other important pressing matters.

I don't really know how to deal with it. It takes a tremendous amount of energy dealing with so much fear and obsessive thoughts. I think I may need therapy or even medication to function at times. I have neither of those things because of the anxiety, go figure. But I need to force myself to make those steps. I am optimistic that I can learn to better deal with my thoughts.

I feel these words really resonate with me, and I should share this. It articulates better than I could some of the ways anxiety manifests itself. Thanks Bu

8/6/2015 07:18:05 am

Hi Brendan, thank you not only for commenting but also for being so honest.

Not knowing how to deal with this is scary - I'll be honest, I have doctors support and I am still scared, but the thing is that there IS help available. Your GP will have experienced people telling them they're struggling on a daily basis so don't be afraid to speak about it and ask for help.

Maybe read through other peoples responses and you may see how many people are going through what you are.

If you don't feel able to speak to anyone for fear of not knowing what to say then perhaps even take this post to your GP or your freinds/family, and explain that you read it and it resonated with you (and that some crazy woman on the site told you to!) Just make sure you let someone know that you're struggling, it's horrible to carry around...

Please get in touch if you feel able to and let me know how you get on, I'd genuinely like to know...
Bu x

Natalie

8/6/2015 04:27:03 am

Thanks for the great article, Bu. It's written in so honest and humane way, it has explained me something about anxiety. Thank you once more!
Take care,
Natalie

8/6/2015 07:19:00 am

Thanks so much for your kind reply Natalie, I am so pleased that it helped :)

Take care of yourself
Bu x

Lee

8/6/2015 04:49:47 am

Dear Bu,

In sharing your story you have not only provided a marvellous gift to others living with anxiety but also to those caring for those living with it.

Anxiety is not my daughter's choice either and yet close family members still don't get your points 1, 2 & 3. After 2 years of hospitals and heavy medications she is now pharmaceutically free and engaging in the world as the emancipated young woman she is. It is still early days, some of which still seem to descend into that dark and unknowable place, but we are both confident that she will be able to manage well in the future. I know that she will appreciate your words and I hope that other family members may have a greater appreciation for what she experiences once they read them too.

It is your point 8 that I am most grateful to read as those same family members consider the time spent with her during her recovery have been an excuse not to get on with stuff for myself.

Being available for my daughter has also meant others, aware I might be about, have sought me out when they couldn't face finishing their PhD, going home after their partner has died or trying to break free from a violent relationship. Each time that has occured I have felt deeply honoured that they have felt they could trust me with their most embarrassing, sad or terrifying moments.

While I spend time in that way I am not making my first million, becoming CEO of some multinational nor even winning an academy award all of which appear to others to be more credible pursuits. Reading your piece has restored some of my self-esteem and certainty that I have done the right thing spending this time with her while she learns best how to keep herself steady.

I am grateful to Stephen Fry for posting your piece on twitter and eternally grateful to you for your words.

Wishing you joy,

Lee

ps just received a txt from her - she is out having fun with her new workmates something impossible for her to manage only just a month ago :)

8/6/2015 07:28:22 am

Wow, thank you SO much for your feedback Lee. This has been the response that has stumped me the most when coming to reply to it if I'm honest. That is because so many things in YOUR writing rang true, and so many points are exactly what I wanted to tackle - it was breathtaking to know I had accomplished them.

Your daughter is incredibly lucky to have you, and also so amazing to have been building herself back up from where she has been to where she is. I hope she is having a blast with her work mates! Seriously though, I hope she realises how strong she must be, it is so easy to think we are "weak" or "broken" but that couldn't be further from the truth.

Dealing with mental health is HARD, for the sufferers and those around them. The fact that even close friends and family members can be so unaware (not through fault of their own) just shows how much more communication and education we need. I for one, am going to keep posting and shouting about it.

Thank you so very much for taking time to respond, I wish you all the very best and please pass on my best wishes to your daughter. I look forward to hearing your opinions on any future posts I may write :)

Thank you...
Bu x

Sarah

8/6/2015 04:58:23 am

Great article and extremely eloquent. While I have only suffered mild anxiety attacks in the past there are number of points in your article that resonate. The thought diagram in particular.

For me, I learnt over the years to have an internal dialogue as soon as I caught myself starting to panic about stressful situations from the past or all the possible things that could go wrong in the next 10 minutes/10 years. By having a 2 way discussion in my head (I know), I've learnt to talk myself down. It's reduced the frequency and the severity of attacks.

Embrace what works for you. I'm immensely proud of you for writing your blog. I've rarely spoken about my anxiety and I certainly couldn't have explained it as well as you have.

8/6/2015 07:31:01 am

Thank you Sarah, it's an absolute pleasure to hear from you and to know that the blog resonates with those suffering differing forms and intensities of anxiety.

I think the way you handle the start of panic is testament to you and how you have embraced the way you are and troubles you may encounter. Your response really has inspired me...

Thank you once again

Bu Xx

Bob

8/6/2015 05:42:15 am

Your car bump analogy chimes perfectly with my experience. I've previously compared it to that moment you're out the house and realise you've left the oven on, *all the damn time*.

But your first point is, I think, the one I'd like everyone to remember. I *can* live with the false information being drip-fed into my consciousness; I *do* know that the constant sense of impending doom is spurious. But doing so leaves me utterly drained. Just living is hard work when every moment is spent coping.

Anyway, thanks for writing this—I wish you all the best and hope things get easier for you.

8/6/2015 07:35:50 am

Hi Bob, thanks for posting :)

It's such a strange mix of joy and sadness when someone can identify with the points I make... Especially knowing that someone else is feeling that drained and utterly empty feeling.

I hope that you have people around you who understand that is the case - sometimes I know it can feel like a burden to let people know, and that is where I *hope* this post can help - the more we talk about it the more the stigma will decrease and understanding will increase.

Do look after yourself Bob, and let others look after you too.

All the very, very best
Bu x

Ara Lucia Ashburne link

8/6/2015 06:24:53 am

What a beautiful and elegant articulation of this challenge. Although, my challenge is different than yours, I too, have used creativity to survive, so I can connect directly with that strategy. Thanks for sharing your insights.

8/6/2015 07:36:44 am

Thank you so much for posting Ara, I am so pleased that you have been able to channel your challenges into good. You are an inspiration to us all :)

Stay fabulous!

Bu x

Tony

8/6/2015 06:38:51 am

My wife suffers with Anxiety and Depression and your post has given me a very valuable insight into her world. I couldn't count the number of times I have had "just get over it" type thoughts, NEVER voiced I hasten to add. Your explanation has definitely helped me to understand why and what my wife may be going through.
Thank you.

8/6/2015 07:40:23 am

Tony, you have made my day.

Thank you for reading, taking the time to respond, and for being so honest.

It is knowing what non-sufferers think that can enable us to try to address those thoughts and make things better for all of us.

The lack of education and communication around this matter means that we are all treading water a lot of the time, and so helping each other out can only be a good thing.

My plan when I wrote this was to hopefully make one sufferer feel less alone, and one non sufferer more aware of what was actually happening. Your response has allowed me to tick a box :)

A huge thank you, plus a huge well done for looking out for your wife - you deserve a lot of credit and the world needs more Tonys!

All the very best
Bu x

Jennie link

8/6/2015 07:19:43 am

Thanks for writing this. It's so hard to articulate what I feel sometimes & this is really accurate. Good luck to you on your journey.

8/6/2015 07:41:36 am

Thank you Jennie, I hope it has helped you, and that it might help some people in your life understand what you feel you can't explain.

Do please look after yourself, and remember how well you do just by being you :)

Bu x

Ombretta

8/6/2015 08:00:33 am

Hi Bu,
it was such a relief to read your article. Few years back I had to take time off work because of severe anxiety attacks and depression. The attacks were absolutely awful, don't wish them to anybody!!!
I found comforting to see that you go through what I go through constantly every day (Not one thought but multiple EVERY TIME considering every possible scenario!) It's so mentally tiring and I thought that I had a rare case of chronic "verbal diarrhoea" . I could go on with the similarities I found between mine and your situation. I don't know if you have any children but I found that is so much more complicated to handle this when you have children that consider you their rock and you think to yourself that a rock you might be but a very porous one and you can't really show it to them for fear of pulling the rug under their feet (so to speak).
With fear of boring you, if I haven't done that already, I will stop here with just a massive THANK YOU.

Ombretta

8/6/2015 10:07:50 am

Hi Ombretta, thank you so much for reading my post, taking the time to reply and for being so honest.

It is so important for us (and by "us" I mean you, me and everyone else who has posted on here) to remember is that what is happening to us isn't a one off, we aren't alone and most importantly we are not failing.

In turn that means you are human, and for your children that is a wonderful thing to be able to teach them.

Your points have really made me think about how we feel the need to protect others from how we are struggling, I know I feel that was regarding my husband sometimes so can;t imagine how it is with children.

I wish you the very, very best wishes. Do stay in touch :)
All the best,
Bu x

Ray

8/6/2015 08:17:14 am

Amazing to read so clearly articulated what I feel. I struggle with the randomness of it, one day I sail through some challenging experience the next day I melt down just having dinner with old friends in their home. It reinforces the anxiety, never knowing when it will strike... this is the hardest thing to overcome. To you, me and all other suffers, never stop trying and always travel in hope.

8/6/2015 10:11:02 am

Hi Ray, thanks for your comment. You are so right about the uncertainty being such a difficult thing to deal with. That and the odd looks of "but you got on a plane, what do you mean you can't go down to the dustbins?" - Again this is why we need others to be aware that it is the case. We can't explain why, but with strength in numbers we can say "yes, we experience this! It's not codswallop because we don;t feel like doing something!"

We will get there too, until then - just keep on keeping on...

Take care Ray,
Bu xx

Amy

8/6/2015 09:17:08 am

Thank you so much for writing this so articulately. I have depression and anxiety and I think I might share your piece with my friends. You clearly describe what my life often feels like from one day to the next.

I wish more people would speak out in the humble way that you have. The words you have written should be 'common knowledge' for people everywhere.

Thank you so much,

Amy

8/6/2015 10:14:26 am

Hi Amy, thank you for your post. If I could have put into a couple of sentences what I wanted to achieve for anxiety sufferers through the blog, your post would have covered it.

Do please share the blog, on Facebook/twitter/from the rooftops - wherever you feel you can. The more we are able to draw attention to the fact that we are going through this, the sooner we will kill the stigma and the more "acceptable" our illnesses will be considered.

I hope that you are having a good day today, and that you have a week that is ruled by you and your happiness, rather than your anxiety and depression.

Thinking of you
Bu x

Lauren

8/6/2015 03:24:34 pm

This is the most relatable piece of writing regarding anxiety I have ever read!

9/6/2015 12:25:57 am

Thank you Lauren, I'm so touched by that. If it helps anyone going through it feel they can identify and therefore are not alone then that is amazing. Similarly if it is written so non sufferers can understand the insight,and relate it to those they may know who are suffering - well, that makes me a happy Bu!

Thank you for letting me know I'm on track :)

Bu x

JME

9/6/2015 03:28:46 am

A wave of relief washed over me on reading your article... I have felt like this nearly all my life! At 69 you'd think I would have overcome all this, but I have learned to live with it and to get angry enough to face my fears and the non stop possible worse case scenarios buzzing constantly in my head. To hell with it all! I have found great moments of sheer happiness in my life purely because of the exuberant relief when there is a pause in anxiety.

9/6/2015 08:18:17 am

Goodness, to have dealt with it for so long and relied solely on being able to get angry in order to face your fears leaves me speechless.

I absolutely understand the way in which non-anxious moments can seem that bit sweeter due to our awareness that they are rare - and in a strange way I think that is one bonus of having this horrible illness. We are aware of happiness; and while it may come with a fear that the anxiety could kick in, we are able to appreciate the glowing feeling while it lasts. Do make sure that you are kind to yourself too though, you haven't done anything wrong by being anxious - none of us have.

To think that after so long this blog post has given you a wave of relief is one of the most humbling things I have heard. I sincerely thank you for taking the time to let me know and I wish you all the very, very best.

Bu xx

Jen link

9/6/2015 03:27:11 pm

Hi Bu, fantastic article and full of brilliant analogies. I also suffer with Anxiety and it stopped me from going to University. It took time to be able to fully understand and open up about it all, but whilst my friends were off enjoying their university life I was left sat at home with a vast amount of spare time on my hands. I sought out help and have improved so much over the last few years, but best of all I've managed to set up my own successful business.
I customise Converse trainers by painting them and it's incredibly therapeutic!! i would be lost without it.
The stresses of business are high but the creative side of things is always win win as you can relax and focus whilst getting work done at the same time. its great to hear of others in a very similar position to me who are also doing so well, so thank you!

10/6/2015 01:47:24 am

Wowsers - how cool are those converse?! I had a pair of customised ones as a back up for my wedding day - wish I'd known about you then!

I get such a bittersweet feeling when I hear of someone who has anxiety, but it has pushed them onto a path that is doing them so much good. None of us should have to deal with the struggles anxiety brings, however we do and that is that - the one thing we definitely don't deserve is having to deal with the stigma on top of everything.

To hear that from your struggles you have managed to build something so unique and so successful is wonderful, and a testament to you. As a new small business (and I mean NEW, and I mean SMALL!) I am feeling very inspired, so thank you.

I wish you all the very best, even if I do now have a real urge to buy some new converse! ;)

Bu x

Lennon

10/6/2015 06:18:02 am

Excellent article. Mental health is so hard to talk about. I was depressed for 8 years, just didn't know it because everyone told me it was normal to feel down all the time. I like what you said about the alarm bells ringing all the time for you. It was kind of like that for me too, when I was depressed. And even though I'm no longer depressed (5 years now!), my body still reacts too intensely when it thinks it's in a threatening situation. For instance, the first time my boyfriend kissed me, my body went in adrenaline overdrive, leaving me literally shaking like crazy. And the next day all I could do was cry - I think because for 8 years I honestly believed I was too disgusting to ever be kissed. I'm so glad I beat that Beast and now know how to handle him when he's lurking about again for a bit.

12/6/2015 08:22:11 am

Hi Lennon, thank you so much for your response to my post, apologies for not replying sooner - it's been a funny couple of days!

I hope you realise how inspiring your response is. With so many illnesses or difficulties it is so tempting to leave them in the past if possible, or at least keep our experiences to ourselves. The fact you have time to share your experience means an awful lot - both to me and I am sure to many others who may find themselves in the position you were in 5 years ago. (On that note, it's so fabulous to hear you are no longer suffering depression, you keep kicking that Beast whenever he pops up ;) )

Your response illustrates just how damaging our suffering can be on our own self image and confidence, which becomes a vicious circle as it is easy to believe we will never beat it, or maybe that we deserve to feel so bad.

I wish you every bit of love and success for your future Lennon, keep facing those situations that your body initially thinks may be threatening (within reason of course, you know what I mean!) and keep proving to yourself how strong you are.

As you are someone who is on the brighter side of the MH issues they experienced, I would love to hear any comments you may have about any of my future posts - so if you are able to do please keep in touch!

Bu xx

Chris

17/6/2015 03:46:33 pm

I would like to say thank you from myself and perhaps other readers that are too anxious to reply. It has taken me 5 minutes to hover my mouse pointer over the submit button but I did it! Well written and comforting. Cheers. x

21/6/2015 12:53:18 am

Thanks for clicking that mouse button Chris - just knowing that people are reading the blog posts and that they can relate to them is a huge boost.

Not only for me to keep writing, but also for me to know that others may experience similar things & I'm less alone.

So thank you, I hope that any anxiety you are struggling with is manageable and that you have the support that you need.

All the very best
Bu x

Colette

19/6/2015 09:40:37 am

An amazing article. I first had anxiety postnatally with my first child. I hoped it would be a one off but unfortunately not. I am currently doing well after having CBT and suitable medication but am well aware that if I go through sudden changes in my life it may well return. The bonus of my anxiety was that I developed a 'six-pack' from my abdominals being constantly tensed from the anxiety...lol, Point 9 resonates most with me. I would have a panic when watching a tom and jerry cartoon because of the pain they might be inflicting on each other if it were real life! Looking back I can smile at the craziness of it all but being in it is a very different feeling and trying to explain it to others is incredibly difficult. Thank you for taking the time to try and provide some definition to this very undefined illness.

21/6/2015 12:56:30 am

Thank you so much Colette. I'm so pleased to hear you are doing well, it can seem so unfair that you can tame your anxiety yet know it can rear it's ugly head the second something big enough happens to allow it.

Still, we live, learn and there are positives to be found - your comment about your 6 pack made me laugh!

Regarding the Tom & Jerry cartoon, I totally get that. It's the obscurity to many of the things that affect us that can make it so hard to talk about. I think it's hard for some people to comprehend just how affected we can be by something that may seem so silly.

Keep up the great work, and thanks again for taking the time to reply :)

Bu x

S.T

20/6/2015 09:48:03 am

Hi Bu,

Great post, I too found this from Stephen Fry's Twitter. There's so much here that I relate to. Thankfully some of it is only stuff I remember well but am not currently dealing with (much) - but that is because I've gotten professional help and have worked hard to have structure and routine in my life, and to not say yes to every damn thing out of fear of consequences if I don't. Boundaries and self-worth, those are really difficult life lessons but I'm learning.

It's weird for how so many years I had no idea that the way I felt actually wasn't how everyone else felt. To say one example, I was honestly flabbergasted when some years ago, a new friend told me she does not get anxious about meeting new people. I could only think "What, how is that POSSIBLE?", because before meeting new people, or even people I'd known for a long time, I'd change my clothes fifty times and sweat so much when combing my hair that it'd end up looking dirty and my skin would be red and shiny, and I'd be embarrassed and double anxious and the fifty-first set of clothes probably didn't work either. And it had nothing to do with romantic interest!
That's only one example of course, I have also been anxious about talking on the phone, doing housework in front of people, wearing revealing clothes, not running other people's errands....yes I've certainly met people who had me running around for them a lot. I didn't realise how much of my time and energy went into it before I moved across the country away from them.

Oh and one MAJOR source of anxiety was thinking of people asking how I am if I showed up late to class. I didn't want to answer I was okay, because I feared that it would show a mile away that I'm lying, and then I'd have to deal with my classmates thinking I'm hiding something and I didn't know how...and I didn't want to say I wasn't okay, because that would be so dramatic and my reason was so stupid - I wasn't okay because I was crying in fear that they'd ask me how I am. Who the hell would understand that? I know you know where this is going. If it became obvious that I was gonna be late, I couldn't even leave my apartment - so I usually made sure to be at least a half an hour early, if not 45 mins.

Yet I've always loved to sing karaoke, I always acted in school plays, I've danced in discos without having drank a drop of alcohol, and I am very good at finding the smallest reasons to smile and laugh, have been for all my life.
It is very weird how that works. It's not about negativity at all, and it's not like you're only anxious "properly" if you can't in fact ever do anything.

These days I've been somehow able to decide I'm done with being ashamed of my body, I think I just became sick and tired of it. Nowadays, very often I'll leave home without underwear (something I wasn't able to do before), even showing a bit of cleavage, and feel like someone completely different than the incredibly embarrassed girl I used to be.

I hope I don't get the bad, almost constant anxiety again. I still get random anxiety attacks when I think I've already failed a social situation, but that's much easier to deal with than the constant "gasp...!!!" that you describe so well.

Wow, I don't think I ever wrote this much about anxiety before.
That felt good. Thanks for inspiring me.

Take care, Bu! Bye!

21/6/2015 01:05:01 am

Great post to you too S.T! :) amazing!

One point really resonated with me "It's not about negativity at all, and it's not like you're only anxious "properly" if you can't in fact ever do anything." It's so true, I have so much trouble trying to get this point across to people - For me these are some of the assumptions we have to rid people of as they add to the stigma surrounding anxiety.

I am so pleased to hear that you are doing so well. Even if you do sometimes have an episode to deal with, it is clear that you have made huge leaps and bounds progress wise, and I love that it sounds like you're really grabbing life now - something that myself and I am sure many reading your reply will find so inspiring. It's good to know we can get there!

Lastly, I am really touched that you said you felt so good about writing it al down - that's exactly how I felt! I will be posting more about the matter, so always feel free to swing by and put in your tuppence worth, I'd love to read it!

Look after yourself, and keep doing what you're doing :)

Bu xx

Grace

29/6/2015 09:09:06 am

3/7/2015 03:05:12 am

Hi Grace, I'm not sure if you intended to leave a blank message, but regardless I wanted to say thanks for visiting and reading my blog. I hope it was useful xx

William

30/6/2015 07:01:48 am

Thank you so much for posting this. I know exactly (I think) what you're talking about. I've been struggling with this for years now. At times I've been able to overcome it, but lately, as a finished up university (which was a ridiculous struggle because of this) and I've been trying to find a job it's been worse than ever. It's hard for me to go out - even going to the shop, a simple five minute walk - takes me about an hour of gathering strength to be able to do it. Even then, while I'm doing it it almost feels like I'm walking in a dream, constantly aware of everyone around me, wondering what they're thinking about me (and obviously assuming the worst). Logic tells me that they won't give me a second thought because they all have their own lives and worries, but as you said, logic doesn't really come into it. The fear is often just stronger.

This isn't something I'm able to talk about to the people around me. People often assume I'm fine - I recently moved in with my girlfriend (who doesn't exactly understand what I feel, but understands when I have my moments and knows when I need a little space), and when I'm with friends I can be outgoing and funny. However, recently even when hanging out with friends I feel like there's this huge cloud over me, just endlessly thinking about my failures, thinking that this is the moment where they'll see me for who I really am and when they decide to drop me as a friend. It never is. But it always, always feels like that. It's a hard thing to explain to someone who isn't familiar with it.

Especially your description of the constant stream of thoughts is familiar to me. It's neverending, 24/7. I was not like this just a couple of years ago. If a manage to push myself out the door for a 2 week vacation with some friends I'll lose it after a day or two (curiously, I feel more at peace when I'm in a different country entirely - like it doesn't matter as much who I am or what I'm doing with my life there). I'm not talking about hearing actual voices or anything, just my own thought process gone wild. It's interfering with regular stuff by now. I've tried meditation (not ready for that), exercise (which brings it's own set of challenges: "look at that sweating idiot!") and even, on my worst days, simple things like cleaning up. It's like I can never relax my mind. As you can imagine, it makes applying for jobs so much harder - which in turn increases my anxiety - which makes it even harder - etc.

Again, thank you so much for writing this. I'm still looking for my solution. It'll take some time yet, but I tell myself that, if I take it a day at a time and can do something productive every day (and I've been keeping a journal to track my progress), something might come out of it in the end. It's time for me to get back to being my old self again. Not sure how to do it yet though.

3/7/2015 03:12:15 am

Hi William, thank you so much for your post on the blog. So much of what you have written is so familiar to me (so you are definitely not alone) - especially the point about feeling more at peace when being abroad, I find that often the furthest away I am from my everyday life the better? There is probably something in that.

Perhaps if you think some of your friends or your girlfriend don't understand how you are feeling (how can they when you don;t always understand yourself?!) you could show them this blog and let them know that some of it resonates with you?

You don't mention whether you have sought any medical support. I can't give advice as such but I can say that for me medication has been a life saver. It doesn't fix it by any means, but it does put me in more of a state of mind where I can try to work with it and work through it. Also there are various therapies that you can be referred for by your GP, such as CBT - you could find these very helpful.

the most important thing is to know that you are not alone - just look at all the there responses to the blog article!

I wish you all the very best, do feel free to stay in touch, I'd love to know how you get on.

Bu xx

Nilofar link

21/7/2015 10:43:44 am

Hi Bu,

This has been an affirmative post to read and it's heartening to see someone facing anxiety as a way of living being brave enough to articulate their emotions. What those of us who experience prolonged anxiety also compensate with other "damaging" behavior or personality traits. For instance, being a people pleaser or trying really hard to not rock the boat with friends or colleagues, or letting slights and rude remarks pass by because it's too much effort to deal with them. But it's definitely one moment at a time, forget a day! Hope we all share our experiences publicly and allow more anxiety sufferers to get closure. Keep writing!

1/8/2015 05:52:31 am

Good afternoon Nilofar, thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my blog. It means the world to me that it is still helping people - and it is people like you letting me know who make such a difference.

I am having a real "one moment at a time" period in my life at the moment, so agree with you wholly. I hope that while you still have your battles to deal with, you are recognising just how strong you are in doing so.

Slowly but surely we will be able to spread information about this, and I hope that one day it will be the norm for people to be able to discuss how they feel (or the fact they don't know how they feel!) when they are struggling with their mental health.

I shall keep writing, do please keep reading! :)

All the best
Bu x

Elizabeth

29/7/2015 04:48:47 pm

Hi Bu, I have been meaning to comment on here for a while now. I read your piece in the edge and having suffered from anxiety for several years it was amazing to finally see someone express the feelings and day to day struggles that i thought I was alone in having. It encouraged me to finally seek some help and I was surprised to find the response was overwhelming and my friends and family have been so supportive, I love coming to your blog and seeing people talk about how they are coping and getting past or at least learning how to deal with anxiety. Since my anxiety started I thought it meant I was weak and couldn't cope but now everyday I can remind myself that I am strong and that as proven by the countless messages on this blog having any kind of mental illness is not something to be ashamed of! I still have the bad days but now there is good days aswell and I am using these to educate myself about mental health because you are right, there is so much stigma surrounding it and that won't change unless we keep pushing for change. I am looking at doing a course in psychology and mental health, very vague plan at the moment but the idea is to be able to set up a business educating people about mental health, maybe a program in local schools so that kids can start recognising it and learning to deal with anxiety/depression if it effects them or people around them. Sounds silly now I am writing it but I am learning to ignore that annoying negative voice. This ended up being very long winded, sorry about that! I just wanted to let you know that your blog helps, a lot and thankyou for giving the push I have needed. It feels good to write this down, thanks again!

1/8/2015 05:57:46 am

Wow. Just wow. thank you Elizabeth. Reading your response to my blog gave me goosebumps, and I can honestly say I have read it over, and over, and over again.

I am so humbled to learn that reading my blog gave you the confidence to seek support and help, and I am delighted to know that you have received a positive response from people.

I love your plan to study mental health and use it for good in the community. I held a fundraiser in Chelmsford recently, and while the money side of it was a bonus (we raised over £370 for Mind) what meant the most to me was people in the area with mental health struggles knowing that they could just come along and be in the presence of other people in the same situation. I have found my anxiety to be very isolating, and I want to do what I can to prevent others feeling that way. I also believe that educating people early on in life is crucial and have even considered offering to go into schools to talk about my struggles - however I am not strong enough to do that, YET! So please don't ever think your ideas are silly, if anything they are amazing, and a testament to just how strong you are.

Do please stay in touch and let me know how you get on, I am wishing you the very, very best.

Bu x

16/8/2015 02:10:26 pm

I loved reading this as I myself have been struggling with anxiety for quite some time. My story is a bit different and I always like to read other people's story's to see how they may deal with their situation.
I am female, I use to be a model and by my own choice stopped, however I am very self critical and can't seem to see my own "beauty". I go through the (I'm fat, ugly, horrible etc) which people around me can not understand but because of this leads me to have extreme relationship anxiety with my partner, he is a lovely person and he is not at fault but due to my own insecurities I have episodes of anxiety that are triggered by seeing other attractive females, if other females are mentioned, I can't watch TV/movies with attractive or nude females in it which is all extreme. I have fears of him getting fed up with me, fears he will leave me, the thought of him even being atracted to another woman has put me in hospital from anxiety attacks but I can't seem to find anyone who has this kind of severety, i have been seeing a therapist for it for almost a year but I am not seeing much improvement :(

X

9/10/2015 10:21:57 am

Hi there, apologies for my tardy response, please don;t think of it as a reflection on how much I value your contribution to this post.

I am totally with you regarding the interest in others' stories. Its such a vast and varying illness that I find it amazing that it is not spoken about more widely.

I'm sorry to hear the way in which it manifests itself in your life. I am sure I could give the standard cliches but I know they don't work for 'folk like us'! Have you tried affirmations? I was speaking to someone a few days ago about them and she told me that she had to used them for months and months without believing them, but she stuck at it and they are starting to ring true. It was amazing to hear her say that she finally feels better about herself...

Whatever you do, just keep talking to your partner, and let him know that you do understand it is not his fault - it can be so easy to push others away when actually communication can make you stronger, even in such difficult times.

I'd love to hear how you get on, do please keep in touch xx

Sammie link

7/10/2015 10:08:58 pm

Thank you for your honesty. I'm not in a place where I can discuss the real 'me' right now, but having people, such as yourself opening up and sharing helps. You post wasn't boring, I really got a lot out of it - although I wish you didn't have anxiety I'm realistic enough to know a little of what you deal with each moment of each day. You are an inspiration considering you make amazing cake and run your own business. Sammie x

9/10/2015 10:26:19 am

Thank you so much for posting Sammie, I know that when you aren't in a place to discuss things it can be an accomplishment in itself to just say hi on a post like this. I really do appreciate it.

To think I'm an inspiration is a funny one. The anxiety in me wants to argue with that idea - however if I do inspire people to talk about mental health, or even just think about talking about it then that is something I am very proud of.

Don't forget that even if you don't feel able to talk about your own experiences, just by sharing info such as this post you are still helping. Do look after yourself, and please stay in touch - I'd love to hear how you get on xxx

12/3/2017 10:24:07 pm

Hi Bu,
It's been nearly 2 years since my previous comment and I've come back.
I am finally, finally on the brink of getting help. After being seen by a psychiatrist and 2 neuropsychiatrists, I am to be treated by a third!
I have non epileptic attacks/disassociative seizures. I am learning that there is an underlying anxiety disorder, although I've not received a full diagnosis yet.
I came back today as I have been feeling low and knew that this blood, this post would understand. I'm too ashamed to mention to anyone at home, they put up with enough already.
Just to read that someone else feels like their husband/partner/friends might leave or not be bothered with them because of everything that's going on, was a lightbulb moment for me. I thought I was the only person who felt that way.
At the moment I just want to hide away and not think about an important family wedding in September. Except it's there in my head constantly reminding me, that this is something I can't miss, or I'll spoil the day (and I'd regret not going and feel guilty).
So I'm hoping to get help before then to learn some coping mechanisms.
I don't want to go on, but to those that read this and have children it is really hard. But remember, you are their normal. My children have had to learn how to put me in the recovery safe position whilst I have a seizure. Yes it was scary for them at first, but who knows, one day someone's life could be saved as they know what to do.
The guilt for me as a mum is huge, but somehow I have to find positives. They are all teenagers and cook, clean, do the washing and most importantly love each other and rarely argue!
I hope to pop back later in the year and say that I'm having less than 20 seizures a day. I refuse to let my past dictate my future. It may affect my now but I will learn to deal with panic attacks, I will find quiet in my head.
Thank you for keeping this dialogue going. If we can tackle the stigma attached to mental illness that's more than half the battle won.
Just a quick note, I didn't write this for sympathy or attention. Xx

Debbie

10/10/2015 04:35:01 pm

Liz you are so amazing and I am so proud of you for writing this - another step further in the wake of raising awareness on mental illness. You are so strong (even if you don't believe it right now -you are!)

You are indeed right you have loads of lovely family friends and members that are right there for you (me included).

Keep smiling, keep fighting, keep shouting until the stigma of mental illness has gone!

Awesome article

Debbie xx

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25/10/2015 12:47:03 pm

Excellent article. There is so much to learn here for all of us. No-one's 'anxiety', 'depression' or whatever is the same as anyone else's - it's part of what can make us feel so lonely. But as more and more brave people such as yourself share, the barriers are broken and it becomes more socially acceptable to help others understand. Well done!

Ruth Wadey

25/10/2015 06:25:22 pm

Thank you for sharing, and your honesty and courage in sharing.

Sarah Scott

26/10/2015 10:21:05 am

Thank you so much for posting this. My 7 year old daughter suffers with anxiety pretty badly and while I am probably the person that understands her most I realise that unless you go through it you will never fully understand how it feels and affects you. This has really helped me to understand the things that she can't yet vocalise as she doesn't necessarily understand them herself yet! Thank you for being courageous....I'm sure you will be helping many others in writing this piece. Big love xxx

1/11/2015 06:50:35 pm

Hello,
Thank you for writing this post, like you say the more people posting, reading, discussing and sharing about mental health issues the better. Ive had depression, PTSD and anxiety for 18 years. I really struggle leaving the house and as my dad's terminally ill I'm struggling getting out of the house to see him. Something which I know I will live to regret when he's gone, I know he hasn't much time left but I just can't make myself leave the house to see him. It makes me so sad that anxiety has such a grip on me that it's stopping me seeing my dying dad in his final days. I feel I can't tell my family because I don't think they'll understand and I couldn't stand someone saying "pull yourself together".
I think it's great that you've been brave enough to write and post about your mh issues for others to read. I can really relate to your fears and you have written about them brilliantly. I think none sufferers will be able to read your post and be able to have a bit of an understanding of how this horrendous illness effects so many people and all differently. I do post things on my fb page about mh issues in a hope my family will read, not sure if any of them did.
Thank you for this post and I hope you soon find some relief from your demons, all the best for your future xx

Kerrt

5/4/2016 11:11:20 pm

Thank you so much for writing this. It's so 'good' to see someone say that they know x, y or z isn't going to happen, but for that rationale not to extend itself to your body and the very physical reaction it's having. I can be (too often am), sat in my kitchen, in my favourite spot and be unable to speak due to anxiety. It has caused me to eat very little in the past week. Unfortunately it's extremely bad at the moment and is exacerbated by severe depression. The distraction techniques I would normally use don't work at the moment as I can barely get up. It is so refreshing and helpful to read an account of anxiety that doesn't entirely focus on breathing techniques! Sadly at the moment the twin evils of anxiety and depression are ruling my life and the guilt that accompanies it is crushing.

Kerry Redman

4/2/2018 07:57:22 pm

Hi Liz, thank you so much for sharing this. So many of these points resonate with me - it's quite empowering to feel that you are not alone with anxiety, it can be so isolating. It was a real pleasure to meet you on retreat this weekend, thank you for being so open and honest - and yet dealing with this condition with an amazing sense of humour and humanity that really does make it feel ok to talk about it. Love Kerry x

Isla

9/2/2018 08:09:53 pm

Hi Liz
Thank you so much for writing this raising awareness of anxiety and mental health. I can totally reasonate. Daniel Groom introduced me to your blog and cakes today, such a shame I didn't make it to the weekend retreat. Looking forward to reading the rest of your blogs and happy to help with your book. Hope to meet you in the future. Take care Islaxxx

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26/4/2019 03:58:00 pm

Baking relieves my stress too!

Tim Newton

20/5/2019 05:53:44 pm

Liz, what can i say as i sit here staring at my signed photograph of Stephen Fry. He's been on my desk throughout my five years with the OU, a true inspiration indeed.
I found your blog via the OU newsletter and the article written about your good self.
I am now 54 years old and can relate entirely to everything in your story. I had a very troubled upbringing with a very authoritarian father which had a profound effect on my transition into adulthood.
I endured more than thirty years of being called a weirdo, a Psycho plus many more cruel names, which left me feeling detached from my social world. It got so bad in 1985 that i ended up in a Psychiatric Hospital for six months, somewhere i felt i truly didn't belong. However, nothing really changed until i started my Psychology Degree with the OU. Just like yourself, it has given me a greater understanding of those underlying issues which cause us to feel the way we do.
I can't help but feel i could talk for ages on this, but as you can imagine that is beyond the scope of a simple comment box.
Thankyou for sharing your story, and thanks also to the OU for sharing it.
But most important, i must not forget to thank the great Stephen Fry who has guided me through this past five years totally unaware
Best wishes
Tim (South Devon)

Robin

22/5/2019 11:48:29 am

Hi Liz,
Came across the OU newsletter article about you (and blog) via my very caring manager at the OU.
A lot of your experience really resonates with me, to the point that I was on the verge of welling up at my desk - fortunately I managed to hold back the tears.
I've 'suffered' (I hate that word but it best fits how I feel) with social anxiety for as long as I can remember and it has fundamentally determined the course of my life. I'm now at an age (43) where I feel like it's now or never - I try to overcome it, or I accept this is my life and spend the rest of it feeling unhappy and continuing to collect a shed load of regrets and missed opportunities.
I'm trying to take little steps each day and this is one of them - just writing this and sharing something of myself is a bit of a big deal for me.
Anyway, thanks so much for providing inspiration and helping others to see a way forward.
All the best,

Robin :)

Rachael

5/10/2019 09:53:20 pm

Hi liz, I had a breakdown about 4 years ago. At the time I had no idea what this was I was just told its stress. After countless visits to the docs I was referred to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with depression, health anxiety and pure O. It's completely debilitating. Thank you for your insight, it helps to read about others feeling the same as myself so hard to put into words when people do not understand.

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I can relate to your experience more than you know. Baking has been my refuge too, a kind of therapy that eases the chaos inside. Mental health can be such a complex and misunderstood topic, but your willingness to share your story is commendable. It's important that we keep breaking the silence and stigma around it. Your passion for baking and setting up BuBakes despite the challenges is truly admirable!Rocky Mountain Oils' natural cleanser is a game-changer for my skincare routine. It effortlessly removes impurities and leaves my skin feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. I love that it's made with all-natural ingredients, making it a safe and effective choice for daily cleansing.

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29/12/2023 02:45:59 am

Wow, I totally get what you're saying! Baking has this magical way of calming the mind and providing a sense of solace, doesn't it? It's like therapy in the kitchen. It's unfortunate that some people may not understand how it can help someone cope with mental health issues, but we all have our unique ways of dealing with things.

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2/1/2024 03:13:33 am

It's wonderful to hear that baking and cake decorating have become your source of calm and solace. Sometimes, it's hard for others to understand the therapeutic benefits of these creative activities, but it's important to do what makes you feel better.

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5/1/2024 06:56:14 pm

Thank you for your candid and honest blog post. It's unfortunate that some people may not fully comprehend the complexities of mental health and its impact on one's life. Your willingness to share your experiences is a commendable step towards breaking down the stigma associated with mental health issues.

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