"Life is an enigma"

I sent that in a tweet about half an hour ago. It really does amaze me that the more I seem to learn about life, the more I realise there is to learn.

I can safely say that over the past 2 years I have learnt lessons that will stay with me forever.  I have had a complete turn around in how I see life, relationships, people, and myself. 

When I have looked back over the past 30-something years, I have been able to identify moments that formed who I was before I was "taken ill".  I have been able to acknowledge thoughts and processes that were deeply ingrained in me, and that were causing me more destruction than good. As I started to unpick such things I was initially terrified about the idea I had wasted so much of my life, and I been wrong about so many things.

As time passed, (and with the help of medication, therapy and a LOT of support) I have been able to accept that these things/ways/thoughts/processes were what they were. They had happened. I couldn't change the past.  They weren't happening in the present (let's be fair, not much was happening in the present when I was housebound and unable to communicate with other human beings) yet I still associated them with the present me. 


I had two choices - carry on as I was., which would one day end up with an 80 year old me still carrying concerns about things that had happened decades before; or accept that while I am the same person, I am also a very different person.  Let's face it, over time we do change. We make different choices, based on where we are at the time, what we know, and of course past (possibly incorrect) decisions.  


It is very easy to beat ourselves up over choices we have made, but at some point we need to draw the line between "should have known better" and "now I do know better". 

When suffering with anxiety it becomes natural to second guess (and third guess, and forth guess) decisions we have made.  It is easy to imagine every possible scenario that would have been preferable to one we find ourselves in, and it can make us seize up - terrified of doing anything for fear that it will be wrong.


I am now trying to follow my heart and make decisions based on what I feel is right.  It isn't always easy and it isn't always possible, but giving myself permission to possibly make a mistake has been incredibly liberating. 

​​So go ahead, make a decision. Trust that it will be ok, give yourself permission to try and find out, oh - and do let me know how it goes. 


Lots of love 
Bu xx 

​My newly-found strength really does help me to deal with problems: to look at issues logically and find the best solutions. To realise when the way I’m feeling is caused by anxiety, and to face that anxiety head on. And when I’m having a bit of a wobble, and feeling like mustering that strength is far too difficult, I remember what life was like when I was signed off work and realise that I never want to go back there again.

Strength is all about identifying your weaknesses and tackling them head-on, rather than letting them get the better of you. Your brain may be telling you that it sounds far too difficult and you should just carry on as normal – but don’t let it win…