As many of you will know, I recently visited the Cake and Bake Show London.   Unfortunately since then I have been finding some of my anxiety difficult to deal with, which has taken up a large amount of my focus and energy.  Therefore I still have lots of blogging about the show to share with you.
 
I will be working on getting it all down on paper (or “on screen” may be more accurate) over the next few weeks, and am very excited to say that in order to get a refresher of all my material, I will be heading up for a day at the show in Manchester on Sunday 15th November.

​Not only am I looking forward to spending another day with the fab stall holders and classroom teaching folk, I am also delighted to be able to announce a competition for you to win 2 tickets for the Manchester show.
 
That’s right, you too can be there and have the chance to watch live bake-offs, skills classes and demonstrations by renowned star bakers, book-signings, hundreds of exhibitors, and all in association with NEFF (the people who make the funky slide away oven doors on The Great British Bake Off!)
 
Speaking of The Great British Bake Off, it will be going live at the Cake & Bake Show and will feature well-known Bake Off winners and bakers from past & present, demonstrating their most memorable creations from the tent. Whilst they’re baking live on the Bake Off stage you will be able to quiz them about their own time in the Bake Off tent, as well as their show-stopping bakes.
 
The Cake and Bake Show have very generously offered BuBakes a pair of tickets for any of the days (Friday 13th-Sunday 15th) and to be in with a chance of winning them, all you need to do is pop along to my facebook page and follow these 2 simple steps:

1. “like’ the BuBakes page.
2. In the post that is pinned to the top of my feed simply comment; tagging the person you will take with you if you win.
3. (Optional) You do not need to share the post to be in with a chance of winning, but please remember, “Sharing is caring!”

 
The competition will run until next Sunday (8th) at 9pm, and the winner will be announced on the morning of Monday (9th).
 
Please note that 1 standard pair of tickets will be available as a prize; this does not include travel to or from the event, and des not include any classroom tickets.   Tickets must be collected together, and there is no cash alternative to this prize. 

Good luck, I hope to see you there! 

​Bu x

​So here we are, World Mental Health Day. 
 
I was so proud to see it trending on twitter, as it means that people are speaking about mental health.  Do I think that everyone with a mental health challenge is tweeting? Of course not.  Is it likely that the some people are tweeting often about the subject, upping its rankings? Absolutely.  Does this matter? I guess maybe the question should be “how many people will still be talking about it tomorrow…”
 
I have always said that I want my blog to be an open account of my anxiety and have sat here for a while wondering what I can tweet about on this important day. 
 
Then I thought about how I still have my blogging about the Cake and Bake Show (London) to share with you all, and I thought that this was a great subject.  After all, I hadn’t been to London alone for nearly 2 years, so what happened when I attempted it last Friday?

I left home first thing in the morning to head off to the Excel.  I knew that I needed to drive, as getting the train would be too tough for me.  A while back I would have berated myself for not being able to just jump on the train, but I knew doing that would be the cherry on the cake as far as my anxiety spiraling was concerned.
 
For me I need to plan for things such as this journey, as my anxiety starts before I leave home.  I do have a couple of tricks that I would like to share with you, which help me when I need to drive somewhere scary.
 
The first is my Disney CD.  Seriously.  Singing really helps, I think it is because it regulates my breathing without me consciously having to manage it.  Add to that the cheery beat of “I just can’t wait to be King” (and of course “Let it go”) and you have a driver who appears to be happy and carefree.
 

The second is my Wonder Woman cup.  It’s silly, but I LOVE it.  It was a treat that I bought myself when on holiday in Vegas, and so it is a reminder of a great week spent with a great friend.  It is also meaningful to me as I find it very hard to spend money on myself – I feel too guilty when I do.  So the fact I let myself purchase this and work through the negative emotions attached to doing, so is actually very empowering.
​

As I set off I had checked the route and I knew it was fairly straight forward, within an hour I was pulling up at the Excel and finding a parking space.  Right.  Now what?
 
I knew I needed to report to the press office, but that was way out of my reach.  So I decided to venture into the ladies, purposefully leaving some bits in the car so I wouldn’t feel the pressure to go straight to the show.  I knew I would have a number of challenges in getting to into the show and so I didn’t want to add any extra pressure, or opportunities for “failure”.
 
When I got back to my car, I tried to take a minute to reflect on what I had already achieved.  Getting into London, and getting out of my car were actually big things for me.  I jotted them down in my diary, took a deep breath, rolled some ‘this works’ onto my wrists and then opened a guided meditation on my phone. 
 
I struggle with meditation as I find my mind won’t turn off; however guided meditation helps as the talking becomes like white noise, allowing me to relax more.  20 minutes later I checked I had my bits together, and once again stepped out of the car to take on the next challenge.
​

​As I walked up to the show I was suddenly very aware of how busy it was.  With people everywhere it did feel that they were closing in on me, however I had already worked though how it may feel and so kept reminding myself that it was all part of the plan.  I told myself that my car was only 5 minutes away, and should I need to I could leave at any point. 
 
I found a sign for the press office and paused outside.  I was terrified of going in and babbling; or worse still, freezing.  So I sat down for about 10 minutes just outside the office and worked through the key things I wanted to say.
 
One thing I noticed as I sat there was how cheerful everyone seemed.  I think there is something about baking; it brings people together and is such a supportive and positive community.   The signage was so pink and pretty, and even the folks working on the ticket desks seemed happy to be there.  All in all the show appeared to be for those who loved baking, not just those who were professionals in the field.  It was non-threatening, and most importantly for me, welcoming.

​I stood up, opened the door and as I stepped into the pressroom a man stood in front of a desk smiled and asked, “how can I help?”  This was it, time to say something… Come on Liz, you have practiced this! 
 
I think what I said went something along the lines of “
 
Hi, I’m Liz, from BuBakes, BuBakes cakes, I am an official blogger for the show, is Martha here? I have the email to prove it? I need a press pass. Am I in the right place? Sorry if I’m babbling, I have anxiety.  That’s what my blog is about – mental health. Oh and baking of course, well, more cakes and decorating, that’s what I do.  I make cakes and I blog.  Did I give you my name?”
 
As I eventually stopped for a breath, the man took may pause as an opportunity to respond “come on over here, we’ll sort you out a pass – and can I get you some water?”
 
That was it.  I’d done it.  Admittedly not quite with the level of poise I had hoped for, but it was done.  I registered, took my pass, and stepped though into the main show arena…
I will of course be posting more about the actual show, and also sharing how my anxiety dictated what I experienced over the three days there.   For now though, I shall finish by saying that on World Mental Health Day lets show people that they CAN take on new challenges; and whether that be going to a show or going to a public toilet – both are challenges that deserve to be acknowledged and celebrated.
 
Just to add, the man who greeted me was called Freddie - and I very strongly believe that had Freddie not been so welcoming and patient, I may have turned straight around and ran back out.  So let’s also remember the positive difference that people can make, and all try to be a little more “Freddie”. 

Bu xx 

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​​​BuBakes is committed to reducing the stigma attached to Mental Health, and personally donates 25p for every order received to MIND.  This is kindly matched by three generous supporters, meaning a £1 donation is made per order.  If you would like to find out more about MIND, or make a donation you can do so here. 

​I am lucky enough to have somehow blagged having the worlds most wonderful, strong, brave and inspirational women in my life. 

Today I will be saying goodbye to one of them; I will be taking time to be thankful for the fact that although her life was cruelly cut short, I was lucky enough to have spent time with her and to be inspired by her to just keep on going no matter what.  

Lynn took time and effort to look out for me when I was diagnosed with my anxiety and later depression; while some judged or belittled, this lady supported and encouraged - without a hint of bitterness or self pity about her own situation.  

As the personification of compassion, Lynn did not differentiate between her physical or my mental illness, she simply rolled her eyes and spoke to me about how she understood how it felt to be stuck inside - especially when all you want is to be able to get out.  That's incredible, it still blows my mind.

This evening I will be going to the house of another of these amazing creatures, to gather with the rest of her bridesmaids and plan for her big day in less than a month.  

We will celebrate the next exciting chapter in her life, and no doubt discuss just how lucky her fiancé is to have such a wonderful companion to share the rest of his life with. 

No doubt we will throw caution to the wind and have one or two shandy more than usual.  Perhaps there will be face painting, or zorbing, or sheep herding (I need to be careful, it's a being kept a secret from bridey!) 

Whatever we get up to, I know that on more than one occasion I will look over at the woman by best friend has grown into, and I will be so proud of her and so honoured to have been asked to be a part of her special day.

The magical thing about these entirely different occasions happening, is that actually the most important aspect of them is the same.  They are both about celebrating wonderful, strong, brave and inspiring women.  

They are both chances for me to take time and reflect on how lucky I am to have them, the memories they have given me, and the love they have shown.  All things that make me who I am, and will continue to mould who I become.

Life is a funny old creature sometimes. 

Thanks ladies x

​Bu x

As someone who used to love being in control – Hang on.  Scrap that.  Let’s start again.
 
As someone who used to have to be in control, the idea of not knowing what was round the corner terrified me.  Surely if I didn’t know what was coming, it meant I was ill prepared, or unaware of my surroundings. 
 
Even if something great happened unexpectedly, I would worry that it was impeding any arranged plans.  Or worse, I would worry that I couldn’t get the most from it as I hadn’t read up on it, or geared myself up to appreciate its greatness.
 
Hardly surprising that I drove myself crazy and had a total melt down really.

​While this may seem to some a recollection of a horror filled period of my life, it actually culminated in the demise of my mental health, which in turn created a highly beneficial surprise. 
 
Suddenly I had no choice about what I did.  I couldn’t go out, I couldn’t speak to anyone.  All I could do was decorate cakes.  That had never, ever been part of the programme. 
 
I couldn’t plan – there was no way I could arrange to meet someone, or even plan to nip to the supermarket.  I literally couldn’t do a thing!
 
By not being able to go to work, I couldn’t stay in my job.  By not being able to speak to friends, I couldn’t arrange to meet up.  By not being able to plan even as far as the next hour in time, I was forced to just live in the moment.  Admittedly those moments weren’t always full of ‘life’, but being in them did force me to take a direction I hadn’t even considered could exist.

​It wasn’t a clean path; it wasn’t an easily identifiable path.  It was simply a choice of two options each day – bake a cake and decorate it in the hope it would keep my panic attacks at bay for a little longer, or go back to bed and hide. 
 
Each time that I chose to bake I ended the day panic attack free, and I had a photo of a cake to share, which helped my interaction (albeit virtual) with others.
 
Gradually, even on the days when I couldn’t drag myself into the kitchen, I used the time when I was hiding away to write.  I hoped that someone out there might understand what was happening to me.  I guess for the first time ever I was admitting that I didn’t have control, and I was hoping someone else would take the reins.
 
As time has passed, I have still found myself having days when I hide away, or I can’t quite do the things I want to.  I have learned not to fight these, and I am starting to accept that sometimes bypassing the expectations I have of myself is it’s own form of healthy control.
 
Sometimes, inaction is an action in itself. 

​While terrifying, I have been able to see the benefits of standing back and allowing things to happen.   This path I have found myself on has brought about doors for me to glimpse though that otherwise would have remained firmly shut. 
 
I have been able to write about anxiety, and was so honored to have my blog post shared by Stephen Fry.  I had the opportunity to bake for An Extra Slice, and even have Michel Roux Jr taste my food (and like it!) 
​

​However these big occasions are not the only factors that have helped me rebuild myself. 
 
Those building blocks have come in the shape of the amazing baking community I interact with each day, who are a continued source of support and encouragement.  (A big thank you to all of my lovely Twitter followers, to the #bakebehaviour, the #sundaybakingclub and #bakershour families!). 
 
I have met local businesswomen who have taught me that there is a force in a passionate woman that simply cannot be matched.  I have been able to spend time with my friends and their babies, who help me to put so much into perspective (and always give honest feedback on my cakes!).
 
I know that some of these building blocks give me a source of strength that will have an impact on the future me. 

​Only this week I have been able to announce that I have been asked by the Cake and Bake show to join their community and become one of their official bloggers. 

Suddenly I am in a position where I can chat about my newfound love of baking, and I can share with more people how it has not only changed but also saved my life.  If a slight increase of exposure can help just one person to explore a new way of working with their mental health obstacles, or can assist in killing the unnecessary mental health stigma, then I will be delighted.
 
The opportunity does bring some challenges itself, for example I will need to negotiate my way into London, work my way around the stalls, speak to exhibitors, go to classes, maybe even interview the odd celebrity here and there.  I will then have to put my thoughts and ponderings out there for more people to see! 
 
These are some serious challenges that my anxiety is going to relish in, and it will no doubt try to prevent me from overcoming them.  While I never know exactly how it may manifest itself, and I can’t stop it -
 
 (at this point can I just go off on a slight tangent and say I really wish I could stop my anxiety, but believe me, telling me “just don’t worry” just doesn’t work – it’s amazing how many people suggest that!)

​                                 - I do know that I will give absolutely everything I have to be there and to relish in the experience.   

​There was a time that I would have planned who I would see, what I would buy. And let’s be honest, I would know what I would bake for the following month using said purchases.
 
Instead, I am now scrolling through the sponsors… From Neff (the guys who make the amazing sliding oven doors on British Bake Off) to The Cake Decorating Company, and Dr Oetker  to Cake Masters - there are some amazing brands involved. 

I am looking up exhibitors, and there are over 160 of them - I think I will have my work cut out feeding back to you on them!

I am browsing through the people who are taking master classes.  John Waite will be there, and so will Greg Wallace, there is even a LIVE British Bake Off arena, where past stars will be recreating their famous bakes and answering questions.  

There is a whole bunch of question marks, and unfilled spaces in my knowledge regarding some of the celebrities and exhibitors, and I can't wait to set out on my own little treasure hunt, looking to fill them.

So I guess I’d like to say thank you to the Cake and Bake show for this amazing opportunity.  Thank you to you for reading this post and sticking with me for the last thousand or so words, I hope we will have many blog related adventures together.
 
Also, I’d like to say that if you have some worries about whether things are going as intended, or are concerned that you aren’t quite on the right path, have a look and appreciate what is around you.    
 
I’m off to have a nose at the best way to get to the Cake and Bake show, but when it comes to planning my path around the exhibition, I think I’ll leave my highlighters alone and just see where I end up.   After all, so far this unplanned path has brought me here – and to be honest, I am rather enjoying the view. 

Hope to see you there! 
​Bu x