Two years ago yesterday I imploded.  

I was rushed to the doctor, and then I hid in a flat on my own for weeks. Each time I tried to leave it, I found I couldn't.  Each time I tried to speak to someone, I found I couldn't.  Everything seemed to crumble, until the only thing I was left with in the dark was me.  The problem was, I hated me.  The only way was up.

As I reflect on the two years, it would be easy to still think of the things I miss out on due to my illnesses.  I could think about the salary I don't earn, the nights out I can no longer enjoy, the phone calls I can no longer bring myself to make. 

I could think about the days when I can't see anything other than a cloud of grey, and when I am convinced that people are only in my life due to some sort of perverse Truman Story obligation. 

I could think about the 7 attempts it has taken to get my meds right, each one with weeks of a gruelling "limbo" as I knew I had to give it time and allow it to get worse before it could get better.  Each time when it didn't get better I would have to start again, embarking on another downward path that may or may not be "the right way". 

I could reflect on my 4 different courses of therapy (three different sorts!) or on the several ‘friends' I have lost.  

I could let myself flash back to hearing phrases from people I thought I could trust, such as “I’ve had other friends with mental health problems and they’ve not acted like you” and “you’re just using this as an excuse“.

Excuse my french, but FUCK THAT!   Instead, today I have been focusing on the brighter side... 
 
Since I imploded I have:

• Met some truly phenomenal people, who believe more in me than I do myself; and have helped me to develop a faith in life and people that I never dared trust in before.
• Discovered a creative streak that I had repressed since I left primary school.
•  Turned to writing to try to express the plethora of nonsensical thoughts in my mind.
• Developed my new creative side into being a fully functioning business, which grows along side me, and also allows me to focus on my recovery.
• Had my baking critiqued (positively!) by Michel Roux Jnr, and my writing endorsed by Stephen Fry.
• Raised almost £1000 for Mind

 
 What felt like the end for me, has turned in to the end of a life I would never wish to go back to, and the beginning of a new me.   A less perfect me. 
 
Now I am:

• A me who still hides under a blanket some days, unable to even venture out to shower, but that is ok.
• A me who enjoys accepting where I am each day while I practice yoga and still can’t touch my toes, instead of a me who beats myself up each day for not being fit enough on a cross trainer.
• A me who forgives and learns, instead of holding grudges and wallowing in denial.
• A me who understands that when I thought I had control I was actually being controlled. Previously I would plan as much as I could – to the next minute, day and even year.  Now I am fine about the fact I can barely plan anything as I know that any moment I could slip into a “bad patch”.
• A me who has learned to be open.  I used to think vulnerability would make me needy, now I have no choice but to be vulnerable - and my relationships have deepened drastically.

 
I don’t know what will happen over the next two years, but I do know that what I previously thought was the end turned out to be completely the opposite.   
 
To quote from one of my favourite songs:

​​Thank you for reading my various blogs, and here’s to the ones that are still lurking  and haven’t been written yet.

​Bu xx

I am Liz, I am Bu, I am LizBu, I am Liz Burnett (maiden name) I am Liz Fox (married name), I am wifey-face (pet name from my hubbie-face) I am Elizabeth (used by my brother, who I still call Stephen, even though everyone else seems to call him Steve).
 
I am NOT anxiety.  I am NOT Depression.  These are things I have, not things that make me who I am.
 
It has taken a long time (over 30 years) for me to work out what it means to be true to yourself, and to discover your own identity.  Having been given labels from when I was still in single figures of age, I attached myself to them and I became solely made of them.  When I went from being “a smart one” in primary school to a sea of “smart ones” in a secondary grammar school I had no idea what to do.  I lost who I was, and so I started to grab to any sort of identity I could.  Unfortunately it was the wrong one, but that aspect of my life deserves it’s own post so I will delve into it on a later date.

Until then just remember... 

​Fast forward over 20 years and I am starting to get to know the spirit of me.  I am starting to see what I can do, and I am starting to love spending time with me.    This is wonderful, a true blessing – but then I have a day when I can’t get out of my front door or speak to anyone, and I start to freak out.  Where has that spirit gone? Why can’t I live the life I want to?
 
The problem with mental health issues is that they are a health issue… I know, you would think the name of it would give that away; yet it is still amazing how ignorant so many of us are to them and what they actually mean.  I put myself in the ‘ignorant but becoming less so’ category. I am still learning, and know I will continue to do so for the rest of my life.
 
So when you are faced with a challenge that takes over so many aspects of your life, how do you stop it from defining your life? Most importantly how do you stop it defining who you are?
 
It’s taken me a while to work through these things I am going to share with you.  They each involved their own lessons that I had to learn for myself, but they all help me remain ME on the days I feel anything but the spirited individual I know I truly am.
 
1.  Acceptance. 
We have to accept things that you cannot change.  There is no point driving yourself crazy on the things you cannot change, you are wasting time and energy that could be spent working out how to make the best of a situation.
 
We can develop ourselves, we can strive to grow and learn, but we cannot change who we are at any given present time.
 
When I brush my teeth each day I look myself the eye and I say “I accept me as I am right now”.

I also put something in place to be able to smile a little when I am accepting a bad day.  I recently bought this top from PINK, and when I am having a day when I just have to admit I will not be venturing past the threshold I pull it on.  It is my way of saying “ok, you know you won’t do it, that is allowed.”  This makes me feel safer as when I pull it on I am pulling on acceptance, and I have a barrier against guilt or shame associated with my restrictions.

​2.  Just because something is made for use outside the home, doesn’t mean you have to use it outside the home.  These cups are my favourite example.

I LOVE these Kate Spade cups for so many reasons.  The main one should be obvious (and if you don’t get the instant link I’d love to know how you found this blog post – as it clearly wasn’t via a cake related source!)  but I also love that they are bright, simple, and just utterly beautiful.
 
I use these at home on my tougher days, because they make me feel good.  Also because if I was going to be out and about I would use them, so why should I stop doing something that makes me feel awesome just because I’m not in my car driving somewhere or wandering around the shops.  It is the essence of what you love that makes you who you are – so embrace that no matter where you are.
 
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3.  Be savvy…
 
I know that I need to go out sometimes to get bits and pieces (90% of the time it seems to be butter, maybe I should just buy a cow.)  so when I am able to get out and about I use that time to “stock up” on my ‘outside errands.  I pop to see a friend, I nip for a coffee with my folks and I stock up on butter.
 
Then when I have a day when I am stuck I look at what can be on my radar that day.  It might be listing my receipts and finances, or I may update the photos on my website.  I might sit down and write, or I may work on some fondant detailing for upcoming cake commissions.
 
If I am unable to bring myself to do anything then I let that happen too, but the trick is to have some “housebound bits” that are there to be done if I’m stuck inside and I can face it.  In turn this takes away the feeling of missing out, and it eliminates the thought of being useless as I can’t even take the bins out.  I have tasks to do that would have needed doing anyway, so I’m being useful and I am still contributing to my life.  I am still being ME.
 
I use special stationary (check out these beauties below, all made by Knock Knock) for making these lists, as this is means I am using something special that really makes my heart sing.  Once again using things that I know I love helps me keep my sprit alive on darker days.

4.  Let someone know.
 
This was one of the hardest things for me, but now if I am having a bad day I will let Mr. BuBakes know.  Not because I expect him to fix it, but because I want to be a kind and considerate wife.  I want him to know that he may come home to a struggling wifey-face.  I think it is fair to say it has taken a lot from both of us to work out how this can work for us, but now if he knows I have been struggling in the day he will come home and give me a hug before making me a cuppa.  He knows he can’t solve it or take it away, and we both accept that fact.
 
The real game changer here is that just by making him aware and giving him a little heads up, there is that bit of “me” that is making contact with him.  That simple one line of communication “just so you know I’m having a rough day” shows the considerate side of me that I never want to lose, it also makes a connection and automatically you are in it together, and I find this helps me stop the illness defining who I am and how I treat those around me.

5.  I use essential oils. 
​
If I am having a low day I will diffuse some essential oils into my home.  I will choose something uplifting such as wild orange or lime, which is zesty and helps reduce the cabin fever aspect of being stuck indoors.
 
There is something to aid with every feeling and I genuinely feel blessed that I have discovered them.   As I like to share my experiences of them with others, I also feel I keep the connection with my true self when I use them  - again this helps me remember that I am still me.

You can check out the awesome range by Doterra on my very own online store link.
 

​​I hope those have helped someone out there a little.  It is difficult to keep a connection with yourself when you are overcome by something invisible and all consuming – but I promise you there are ways to help.
 
I would always recommend putting a few things in place when you are having a good day, this also recognizes that you will have bad days and you know it – but that you accept it, and you know you are worthy of helping yourself through those days.
 
They say singing is incredibly therapeutic, so lets end this on a high note.

​All together now…
 
"It's my world that I want to have a little pride in
My world and it's not a place I have to hide in
Life's not worth a damn
Until you can say I am what I aaaaaaaam..."

Take care
Bu xx 
​