I just had one of those moments when I thought "I MUST share this; maybe noone will see it, maybe it will just be there for me to read in the future, but I must do it".

I was trying to explain to someone how I try to manage aspects of my mental health.  One of the ways I do it is via this blog. I strive to fight the stigma that is attached to mental health issues.  The stigma is huge, and stale and will take so much chipping away at.  

It has formed over time, and now has so many layers, each like a layer that has to be removed.  Some are like limestone, some like shale; others like composite rocks - opinions and prejudices that have all gathered together to make one larger established opinion.  

If I can reach some people through my blog then they can help me chip away at a layer; then they mention mental health to someone else and that chips away at another layer, and so on. 

Then, on bad days it's in front of me; and while I may feel like I'll never be able to do those things again, it was ME who jotted them down, so it is like a sign from ME that I might just be ok. 

I don't know if that makes sense?

I named this post in honour of an amazing woman I know who is currently undergoing chemotherapy.  She always encourages me to take baby steps, and highlighted this morning that my diary is one of them.  That is why I felt I'd like to share what I do, just in case that baby step can help others.  

This lady pointed out today that we approach our illnesses in similar ways, even though hers is more physical than mine.  What a wonderful thing for someone like me to hear.  Here I am trying to remove the stigma attached to mental health, and someone in the throes of a most crippling illness highlights that we are choosing to work through it all in a similar way.  

Both of our illnesses are crippling in their own way, and both deserve support and understanding.  The point I made in response to this lady, is that I feel how we choose to battle our illnesses is what defines us deep down. The illnesses affecting us are parasites that try to stop us being us.  The illnesses try to define us.  They take over us on our bad days, so it's up to us to build defenses on our good ones. 

I'd like to finish by asking you to think about real baby steps, whether you are ill or not I think there is a point here that is valid for us ALL in life.   

We can't remember it, but we fell so many times when we were learning to take baby steps.  Heck, I still fall over now!  So it's ok if we seem to be making progress with something and then stack it.  After all, we all got there in the end with the walking, didn't we?

Thank you for reading, and take care

Bu xx

One thing that was interesting for me was the amount of replies I had to my blog “What’s going on in there” from men.  

In fact it was the manner in which some replied that I really found telling.  I had more men contact me privately than women, and I had more men contact me privately than men who replied directly (and publicly) on the blog.

Perhaps there is someone you know who may be struggling, but doesn’t know what to do.  While individual signs of depression may seem similar to “just how people can be” if your mate is showing a few of the following, there is a chance something may be up:

-       Is he grumpy? Ok.  Let’s not get personal, some people are grumpy, some people like to complain.  However if your mate is suddenly bitching about the small things in life, it could be that they are trying to express their frustrations about something else.  He may not want to express his negative feelings towards his life, and so may project the feelings onto trivial matters instead.

-       Each time you see him does he seem increasingly run down?   Is he looking like he had a wild night out the night before, when you know he didn’t?  Depression can disturb sleep, and increase feelings of fatigue.  Perhaps he’s starting to arrive late more and more, and has been oversleeping.  These are all signs that something might be up.

-       Had he suddenly changed his interests and activities, shying away from things he used to love? Maybe he was always nagging you for a round of golf, or a kick about; but now he makes excuses not to play.  Depression can bring a loss of interest or pleasure for activities in life.

-       Perhaps it’s the opposite and he has suddenly taken up every sport and activity possible? He may be trying to escape from something and find thrills to compensate for his depression. 

-       Did he used to have a healthy interest in all things “physical” but now he seems to have lost that “spring in his step”? Yes I’m taking about sex here. Men can avoid intimacy when they are feeling low, and this in turn can mean they pull away from any possibility of being emotionally exposed to someone. On the flip side you might suddenly wonder why your mate has started looking almost obsessively for sexual exploits, again in a bid to thrill seek.

You may be thinking “hang on, if my mate wants to play golf all the time, or doesn’t then he may be depressed? If my mate is obsessed with sex, or doesn’t want it then he might be depressed? This is a bit hard to work out!” and you would be right.

It can be difficult to tell when someone is suffering.  I can assure you though, that it is harder to recognize it in yourself when you are the one battling.  That’s where our friends and family come into play.  They are the people who will be able to objectively notice changes, and may be affected by those changes.  It’s up to us as friends and family to look after those we love, just as we would hope they would for us. 

 Of course I can’t cover all symptoms here, as everyone is different and mental health is not an exact science.  I just hope these symptoms give an idea of what to look for. 

If you feel a pal might be having a hard time, what should you do? It’s a tricky one.  Try to talk to them without making it too huge a deal (I can assure you that suddenly having someone say “I think you may be depressed” is the most terrifying thing to hear and can make you run a mile!”)  

Ask them how they are doing.  Let them know that you care; you have noticed a few changes in them and that wondered if everything is ok.  

If you think there may be a bigger problem, let them know that it is ok if there is, and that they can’t help being affected.  Try and encourage them to speak to a doctor, but if they are hesitant then you could mention any articles/blogs you may have seen that talk about mental health.  This may help them decide if they are having a bit of a battle, and also reassure them that there are lots of others in the same boat. 

 The one thing we shouldn’t do is ignore it if we think there could be a problem.  

Mental health can be hard to talk about, but that should be because it is a sensitive matter, not because there is any stigma attached to it.  If your mate was in pain physically, you’d think nothing of saying “go and get it checked out”; so why shy away from helping a mate who may be in pain emotionally?

 
I’d like to end this blog post by noting that today would have been Robin Williams’ 64th birthday.  
Sometimes people commit everything they have to making others laugh, when they themselves are unable to.  

Thanks for reading 

Bu xx 

"You win some, you lose some" - a phrase often heard in Vegas, which is where I spent a(nother) week recently. 

I often have people tell me they don't think they'd like Vegas as they are not into gambling; and while I tell them there is plenty more to do there than hit the slots, there are of course some who take on Lady Luck and have a go.  It's the opportunity of a windfall that coaxes millions to the city each year, and for some it is a gamble well worth taking.

What about when it goes wrong?  To me losing on the tables can be justified as I only travel with money I intend to spend (lose).  I weigh up the enjoyment I get from a hand of blackjack with the enjoyment I may get from spending the money elsewhere, and I make my decision as to how much that enjoyment is worth. 

We do this in everyday life without realising. Our life is pretty much a whole game of risk vs potential gain. We decide what we are going to do based on a likely outcome, and the chance of that likely outcome. We should also remember that for everything we gain there is always a loss and vice versa, the trick is making our decisions based on an assumption as to the gain vs the loss, considering both likelihood and magnitude.

This isn't only the case when making life changing decisions, being aware of this can really affect everyday options.  To bring things down to a very basic level, I'm sure I'm not the only one who sees hotel toiletries as a bit of a treat.  To reference the Friends episode The one with Rachel's dream "Here's where you make your money back"  (flashback to Ross & Chandler and lots of maple candy).  

I used to grab the toiletries whenever I stayed away. I had boxes of them; they could be used in an emergency, and I felt if I didn't take them I was losing out. One box full became two, which became three. Suddenly it was a huge thing.  I was asked why I didn't just bin them and I responded that it would be a waste to, and then I would 'lose' having them.  It was pointed out that by getting rid I would be gaining a whole shelf of storage space in my rather storage sparse flat.  I weighed up which was more important to me and within a day they had been given away.

In a turbulent year I have made some huge decisions which have caused some substantial financial losses, however the possible quality of my gains has meant that I have concluded that those decisions were worth perusing. I know it might go wrong, but I also know that if it goes right it will be life changing.  Much like with my toiletries I have determined that my losses will have a more valuable payback.

Try to think about this gain vs loss today; whether it be choosing your lunch option, meeting that potential partner for a drink, or deciding to stay at work one hour later - every single decision will have a loss and a gain attached. 

Take care, and always weigh up your options (or gamble) sensibly. 
Bu xx 

Oh, and for the record, I didn't win my millions - but it was worth every cent.