It's that time of year again... 

No I don't mean the kids going back to school, or the fact Christmas is in the shops already.  I mean that we can dedicate Wednesday nights to Great British Bake Off (it's a justified reason to be in pjs by 7.45pm and eating cake for dinner) and that we can start to plan our visit to the Cake and Bake Shows! 

I am delighted to have been asked to be one of the official bloggers for the show again, and have already been planning my visits.  Luckily Mr BuBakes is once again available to come along with me and help me carry my goodies for the day - I remember that last year I may have had a little splurge...! 

​​With two venues (London October 7-9th and Manchester (November 10th-13th) the shows offer you a chance to be fully immersed in a cakey, bakey heaven. With demonstrations, classes, and stalls selling everything you could possibly need,  The Cake & Bake Show is the UK’s only live consumer event dedicated to the world of cakes, bakes and the art of baking, and it is the ultimate day out for both hobby and professional bakers. 

There are always some of the biggest names in the industry in attendance, and this  year is no exception.  Heading the line up are John Whaite, Rosemary Shrager  Nadia Hussain, Jo Wheatley (Yay! BuBakes does love to support a fellow Essex girl!) and Eric Lanlard.

​​Often the suppliers will have show special offers on, so it is a great opportunity to stock up on equipment and ingredients.  Some of BuBakes favourite suppliers have been confirmed, so if you want to try out some of the delights I swear by then make sure you head over to Foodie Flavours Ltd (Stand E65) ... Sugar & Crumbs (Stand E64 - it's a complete coincidence that they are next to each other - this is probably the area you will find me in, stocking up!) and please pop by to see the Help for Heroes gang at E70 (As many of you will know the first BuBakes Depressed Cake Shop popup was held in support of Help for Heroes and Mind.  If you still want to get your limited edition tea towel then it's not too late, just click here!) 

So with all this information in mind, I know you are wanting to know where you can get your tickets from.  You can book yours now here, but wait - BuBakes has the pleasure of offering not one but two pairs of tickets for each venue  for you!

How do you get your hands on these? Here's how...

The first two sets of tickets up for grabs are for the London Event.  You can enter via the BuBakes Facebook page , simply by following the instructions on the pinned post.  The competition closes at midnight (GMT) on Saturday 1st October and will be announced on Sunday morning.    

Good luck, and I hope to see you there! 

​Bu xx 

Please know this is not an attacking letter. In fact it I want it to be the opposite. I like to think that if my experiences can’t be a good example, then at the very least they can be a horrible warning.

I remember loving school. I was a complete geek. I loved the feeling when the penny dropped, and I was so eager to learn. I would be so excited when I discovered something I didn’t know. 

Then I passed my 11+, perfect right? I was in a position to learn while being surrounded by others who were similarly academic.

Unfortunately things didn’t go to plan. 

The labels I had given myself were no longer relevant. I wasn’t the bright one, the smart one, or the one classmates could ask for help.  I was average at best, and I didn’t know how to handle this fact. I had no idea who I was, and the me I thought had been special was actually a bit joke. How could I have thought I was intelligent? In fact I was so silly. 

I was an 11 year old girl who was embarrassed, and had no idea how to exist in this new surrounding. I didn’t know how to be defeated by my peers on an intellectual level, but I was defeated. This left me in a quandary. What should I do?

I had no idea what I was doing, who I was, or how I could be enough anymore. I started to carve out new labels. Initially I thought I could opt for the less academic subjects . While at junior school I had gone to a drama club after school, I took clarinet lessons, and was in orchestra, plus I was in two school choirs.   This was perfect as in my new school I had the opportunity to audition to speak at the upcoming prospective parents evening, and I was chosen (with two other girls). I was SO proud!

Shortly after this I auditioned for a part in the school play, and I didn’t get it. The only thing I thought I might be acceptable at was no longer an option.

In stepped the “Liz” that then haunted me for decades to come. 

I started to goof about, terrified of trying again and failing. I’d do homework at the last minute, do the bare minimum and I became completely disengaged. 

I started to feel the inklings of shame directed at this “new me”, and I started to loathe “Liz” for mucking up. I felt I was failing at “being at a grammer school student” and the more I felt this the further I pulled away. This started my cycle of destructive behavior. I started to arrive late, to smoke, to only care about hanging out with boys, and to carve out only person I felt I was worthy of being. Deep within me I knew I was continuing to muck up, but by now it was too late. The more I rebelled, the more I felt I was wasting opportunities and failing. The more I felt I was failing, the more I rebelled.   This started to get more dangerous; as I got further away from who I thought I was meant to be, the more I hated who I had become. 

As each term passed I would think “next term I’m going to get it right” but I would return to school and realise it was too late for me. I was too far behind, and I had carved out a persona for myself that I couldn’t change. Suddenly I was choosing GCSE choices and I went for the choices my friends were going for. As time passed I realised that I was never going to get the elusive 11A*s that others were aiming for, and I couldn’t stand the impending moment when I was going to be found out. You were all going to know once and for all that I didn’t belong there.

 Amazingly I scraped through my exams (note: in hindsight I did better than “scrape through” however I had two issues.  1. Compared to everyone else I had done terribly, and so that was all I thought you could see. 2. I’d done okay without revising, and therefore I had failed myself and messed up yet again.) and I had a couple of grades that were acceptable enough for me to take subjects at A-Level. 

At this stage I had become a real cliche. I felt like when I was in school people would be amused that I had bothered to show up, and when I wasn’t there I knew no one would really be surprised. 

Dangerously, I was at an age where I could get my hands of alcohol, and was focused on growing up and not having to continue to fail at school.  I was so desperately unhappy, but also so trapped. Perhaps more dangerously I knew I deserved it, I had carved this way for me, and I needed to man up and deal with what I had done.

I remember sitting in a history A-Level class one day, and the teacher asking why I was there. I was confused by this, then I was informed that the school was not happy with my attendance or ability and if I wanted to take the exam I would have to pay for it myself.  To this day I still remember joking with my friends that I’d have more spare time, while inside I just didn’t want to “be” anymore.  I had been so scared of being found out as a no one, that I had become someone I didn’t want to be.  

As time passed I started to realise how many chances I had screwed up. I had been so scared at failing “things” that I had failed at life. I’d like to take a moment to say that there is no blame on anyone for this going undetected. In fact, the only thing that I knew I was successful at was making sure no one knew the turmoil I had inside me. I was so ashamed and was so full of shame, and the worst thing imaginable would be for someone to see that. 

Yes, by the age of 17/18 I was an age where I was fully accountable for my actions, however what I was doing at those ages was still playing out the cycle that I had entered 7 years prior.  I’d love to say that things improved, but I actually spent the next 15 years obsessed with “making up for screwing up” . Nothing was good enough, as I had mucked up that chance that I had when I first stepped through the school gates.  This “I should have” and “I should be” contributed to my breakdown in 2014, and I have been exploring what had happened within me ever since. 

My mind had become such a tangled mess. When I was asked my reason for not fully contemplating suicide, the reason I gave was “that’s not an option - I’d probably screw it up, and then a) I’d end up in hospital – I hate hospitals and b) I couldn’t hide anymore. Everyone would know how screwed up I am. I can’t have that happen”

As I research and learn about the impact of mindset, I am bowled over by just how at risk we all are. We HAVE to learn how to fail and we HAVE to teach people shame resilience. And this is something I implore all schools to properly explore.

Children now have so many things to contend with that generations have not had before. There is now a record of what children are doing, and it is often on the internet on sites such as Facebook for the whole world to see. 

Not only is the lack of privacy a problem, but social media also means that we see others “winning” at life constantly. We have to acknowledge that social media sites are new, and that we have therefore not yet seen the impact on a whole generation growing up with them.  

If we want to educate, we need to take care of the equipment we working with – the mind. If we want to address the fact that people are more medicated, depressed, and disengaged with life and society, we need to teach people how. 
Talking about doing something about mental health is one thing, but we have to do more to introduce it as a part of education and development. Schools have a minimum amount of time they spend on physical education each week, and the same emphasis needs to be given to keeping minds healthy. 

I sometimes see children and I have to catch my breath. I now know that what happens to them while they are so young can have such a huge impact on their mental health, and that it can develop into something so sinister. I am no longer ashamed of who I am, and I am no longer scared that people may know the truth – in fact if sharing my story helps just one person in some way, then it is fully worth it.

You have read this far, and I am thankful for that. I do have 2 favours to ask of you though, and I hope that’s ok.

1. Everyone can make a difference, so please be a part of this. It may be sharing information, or even just being open to conversations about mental health. It is crucial that we educate and inform, and that we battle the stigma that is still associated.

2. This is a message that needs to be imparted to every young mind, (but from a very personal point I’d like to directly appeal now to those who may be teaching a new intake in a grammar school) Please make sure that the students know they are amazing, and should celebrate their success in getting there.

Please let them know from me:

“There will be work, challenges and lessons to overcome. You need to face these to give you opportunities in life, but please know that as a person you are already enough. Right now. As you are.”

Thank you
Liz x
​
PS - apologies for only getting the one A* in my GCSEs – I know I didn’t help the league tables that year!

As I am typing this I am on holiday.  I'm staying in Mauritius (on the north coast) and in front of me I have the sea and some palm trees swaying gently in the breeze.  I can hear waves lapping, birds chirping, and the occasional a shout of encouragement from lookers on as another brave soul attempts to water ski.
 
In short, it is bliss – there is nothing I could want for, and to look at it is exactly as I had pictured it.
 
When I thought about this break, I let my vivid imagination work through all the details and I definitely did a great job.  I am trying to practice positivity and gratitude on a daily basis, and so I’d conjured up an idyllic break away; on which I would sleep until I woke without the aid of an alarm before whiling away the days writing.  I would then spend the evenings getting dressed up, and heading out for dinner dates with my gorgeous husband.

In reality I had forgotten a couple of things...  

What actually happened was that I arrived at the resort and immediately I was on edge. I felt so clunky, but I couldn’t work out why.  I was shattered, I didn’t want to write,  I felt guilty, I thought I was being lazy, and I kept waiting for the moment when it would fall into place.  All the time I was thinking “this isn’t right.  This isn’t how it is meant to be.  What have I got so wrong?”
 
In hindsight (as is always the case) it was unavoidable.  I'd been extra busy in the weeks leading up to us going away – and I had been pushing myself.  I lost track of the times I said things like “I just need to make it until our holiday” or “I’ll catch up with myself and rest while I’m away”.  

In my attempts to be as I thought I should be, I’d forgotten that I can’t just “rest” or “relax” somewhere new.  I hadn’t been kind enough to myself, or remembered that when I am in new surroundings I panic - I have a whole host of new things to take in, worry about and process.  Without knowing it, my mind pings different thoughts and images around, and it is incredibly draining.
 
This is all text book behavior for me, and it’s interesting for me to now sit and reflect on why I hadn’t taken any of it into account.  Perhaps I didn’t feel like I had the right to struggle when I was in such a lovely setting.  Maybe I thought I could overcome my demons.  The stark reality though is that my mental health challenges do not discriminate.  They are not just part of my life when I am in some grotty threatening environment.  They do not only show themselves in a situations that other “healthy” people may feel uneasy in.  They are there for me to work through every single day, and sometimes they defeat me – even when I am sitting in the most glorious settings.

I read in one of the in-flight magazines on the way over that the average person takes 4 days to get into “holiday mode”, and once again with hindsight it is not surprising that I wasn’t able to effortlessly make the transition.  Perhaps it's time to face that one of my biggest challenges  is acknowledging that I can’t just “be” anymore.   
 
One afternoon I was so tired of battling with my own mind, so I decided to lay down and listen to an audiobook.  Having someone speaking at me for a few hours was the white noise I needed. I cleared my mind of “should” thoughts, and I was suddenly absolutely shattered. It was like I had allowed everything to crash down over me; the mental barrier I had been holding up was a floodgate for complete emotional and mental exhaustion.  The impact was so extreme that I couldn’t even function in a conversation with my husband.  We grabbed something to eat and by 7.30pm we were reading in bed.
 
This can be the problem with mental illness.  What you consider to be “the norm” is never really normal.  When you think you have it all figured out, a curve ball comes flying at you, and it can really floor you. 

​The lesson I have learnt this week has been that I am still trying to fight it.  I fought against my mind so much before I had my breakdown, and I am still learning to change that behavior.  I think that one of the reasons so many of us try to fight it and be “normal” is due to the expectation we put on ourselves.  We “should” do this, we are “supposed” to do that.  My holiday is just a tiny example and actually it is something we do every day in life.   I often wonder whether more information and communication about mental health would leave us better equipped to deal with situations that may cause obstacles, and this is a prime example.  Living with mental health concerns can very much be a case of trial and error - often with the person who is struggling doing their best not to inconvenience other people. 
 
If one of us was on holiday with a broken leg, we wouldn’t think twice about discussing what helps to make it easier.  We wouldn’t worry about having people help us, or putting people out.  So why is it that we try to “make do” with a non-physical health complaint?
 
I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that the more we speak about things the greater the understanding amongst us can be. 

I am not so naïve as to think that there will be some people who can’t help but think “what is there to complain about, she’s on holiday, she just needs to chill”, but that is why I want to put this out there.  If it challenges that mindset in just one person, then it is worthwhile.

​The more I reflect and write, the more I see how dangerous the “should” mindset is.  I want to cover it more, and it is forming a large part of the book I am working on.  For now though I’d just like to take a second and say that yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day, and that for many the impact of how they think they “should be” can have truly heartbreaking consequences.  
 
While I know that a simple blog post cannot change the world, or take away so many people’s pain; I do promise that I will keep doing what I can.  No one out there is ever alone.

Sending lots of love 
​Bu xx