“Be authentically you”.    What does this mean to you?  
 
When I had my implosion in 2014 these became 3 of the most loaded words in my life.  I despised myself, in my eyes I was failing left, right and centre; so, the idea of embracing the true “me” was ludicrous. 
 
I’d dedicated decades to making up for what I felt were the failures of my younger self. I blamed her for starting a cycle of failure, humiliation and a LOT of shame; so, there was no way I wanted to go back to channeling that little girl in an attempt to discover who she really was and who I’ve been suppressing all this time. 
 
I’d be willing to put money on the fact that pretty much everyone has heard the anthem “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman.  I’m also guessing most of you have felt a little bit of a swagger as you’ve listened to it. We all know that little inner narrative that pops up when it comes on… “Yeah, this is ME. Take me as I am world, I’m proud of being true to myself and I’m not afraid to sing at the top of my lungs” (or mouth along with feeling, if you’re listening in a public space!) 

I'll make it clear now - ​I only know my own story, what has worked for me, and what has been appropriate for me given my circumstances at various stages. In essence I guess this blog post is all about ME - a tad ironic given the subject matter! 
 
However, a lot of my experience over the past 5 years has been influenced by health professionals, trained individuals, and a lotof trial and error. Therefore, my plan is to share some of the ways that I evolved, in the hope that some bits may be useful for others. 
 
Some may not resonate with you, some may be a bit woo-woo for some of you, and of course I can only share how I’ve processed things in my mind. However, as is always the case with my mental health writing, I figure that if one thing helps one person then it’s worth it. 
 
I’ll be posting throughout the month (after all, in this month of lurve, who better to love than yourself?) so do check back in for a number of posts all intended to help in different ways.  Some will contain tips, tasks to try and suggestions that I invite you to at least consider. Some will be reflections, challenges that arose (and still arise) for me, and some will have honest examples of what I’ve discovered (about myself and others...) - it’s not always been pretty! 
 
As always, sharing is caring. If you know someone who has lost their identity, who deserves to love themselves in the way you love them, or even just may be interested then do please invite them along on the journey. 

​Until next time... 
 
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
 
Bu xx

​**Proud moment...**

If you pick up a copy of this months Cakes & Sugarcraft you will find me on page 59 talking about baking and mental health! 

​(if you are reading this on your mobile, you may need to click the link below to view the PDF of the article)

​Look after yourselves folks, and have a fabulous weekend. 

​Bu xx

I don’t look sick.
 
If you were to see me out and about, you would likely see a pulled together individual.  I’d be cracking jokes, enquiring as to what people have been up to, and you’d be forgiven for assuming that I’m doing a great job of navigating my way through my mental illnesses.  In fact at the weekend I was talking to people about my mental health, and had three separate conversations about people who were  surprised to learn I struggled with it.
 
This made me think, is that a good thing?
 
I don’t want to ruin a social event by showing the world just how terrifying I am finding it.  Believe me, there would be no better way to throw a wet blanket over proceedings than to let people know what is running through my mind when they are chatting away to me!   That said, I want to share know how hard it is for some people, as I feel this is how we will raise awareness and understanding of mental health.  I also feel it would be good for us to know how many people out there are struggling with the same battles.
 

​When I went out on Saturday, this above photo was "me".  Make up on, hair done, joking about while clutching Albie (my Anxiety Blob).   I was out for about 3 and a half hours, and I’m quite proud to say that I held it together for that time.  Anyone who knew me well may have been able to pick up on my constantly moving hands (so that my shaking wouldn’t be as obvious) or the occasional catch in my throat (as I reminded myself that I needed to breathe), but to everyone else I kept my secret hidden.
 
The thing I want to share is that behind those 3 and a half hours was some serious preparation.  The week prior to it had been a tough one.  My anxiety had been sky high, my motivation to join the real world each day was low on the good days.  I have been trying to record my reality of mental health, and the following photos were taken in that week on two consecutive mornings when I was really struggling to get on with my day. 

​On these days I did yoga, I meditated, I went to therapy on Tuesday.  All week I journaled, I practiced gratitude, I had time curled up on the sofa trying to rest.  I ate healthily, I drank lots of water. I did every conceivable thing that I could to try to “feel better”. 
 
Sometimes I find it most unfair that doing all these things and putting in the effort doesn’t make a blind bit of difference.  The truth is though, that while it does not make me “better” it does stop me from getting worse. 
 
It is also worth being aware that it is not only gearing up for an event like this that takes planning and consideration.  The aftermath needs to be planned in too.  I was so mentally exhausted after being in “I’m ok!” mode on Saturday, that Sunday was a wash out.  I spent it on the sofa, in trackies, watching Harry Potter (the first, second, third AND forth films).  This may sound like a lovely lazy Sunday to many, but Sunday is the only day Mr. BuBakes and I have together every week.  I wanted to be out with him, doing fun stuff and laughing – the reality was that this was never going to happen.
 
I guess there are a few main points I want to get across from sharing this today:

• If someone who battles with their metal health can only commit to “maybe I’ll come along” then often it is not that they aren’t bothered, it may be that they literally do not know if they will be able to manage it.

 

• If that someone does manage to come out, be flattered, it must mean a lot to them and a great deal of work may have been done in getting them there.

 

• If this is the case, the occasional squeeze of the arm and “you’re doing amazingly, how are you feeling” goes a long way.

 

• If the person needs to suddenly leave, let them know that is ok and that you appreciate the time they spent there.  No doubt the second they go they will be berating themselves for not being able to stick it out for longer, so the assurance that their time spent out was valued goes a long way in stopping the shame cycle.

 
It is hard for everyone to truly understand how everyday occurrences can take so much, and that’s ok.  No one expects non-sufferers to simply “get it”, but people acknowledging it is a wonderful thing.
 
In a previous blog post I wrote...
 
“Sadly I know that there have been comments by people questioning how I can do all my baking and set up BuBakes when I am “sick”, and to those people I can only say that they don’t understand the kind of “sick” that I am.  That’s absolutely fine - I didn’t understand it before, and I still can’t fully get to grips with it now.“
 
...and two years on this is still entirely true.     
 
My sickness is still one that is hard to explain.  It is one that people still can’t see unless they know what they are looking for, and it is one that I am still getting to grips with.  
 
I think I will be constantly learning about it for the rest of my life, and that is ok.  Not only because my self discovery will be ongoing and that is a wonderful thing; but also because it means I can continue to share what I learn as I learn it,  in the hope that it may help raise the awareness and understanding of mental health.
 
Lots of love to you all.
Bu xx

,​Just after my breakdown I told someone that I wanted to get involved with charity to try and make a difference in the world of mental health.  I didn’t know what, and I didn’t know how, but I knew I wanted to do something.  It was a feeling that I couldn’t ignore, and it was resonating with me on a level I hadn’t experienced before.
 
Therefore, I was quite disappointed when the person I opened up to said “you don’t want to do that.  It won’t be how you think it will be”.
 
I still recall that conversation, and I play it back to myself every few days.  I used to be so consumed with controlling and planning my future, and I would leave very little room for uncertainty.  Therefore when my attempt at reaching out and doing something different was challenged, I came very close to giving up that intention.   Luckily the feeling in my gut wouldn’t go away and so I pursued it.  I was desperate to make a difference, and to let go of my fear of uncertainty.
 
These days as my anxiety can take over at any moment I have to live with a certain buffer, and this means I have to embrace uncertainty.  Rather than obsess over the little details I have evolved into living with a “things are working out perfectly just as they are” approach. 

It's taken a few years for me to develop this acceptance, and it is something I am still working on improving.  While it takes work, I know there are a few things I subscribe to that really help me.  As I know how they have had a huge influence in my life, I thought I would share them in case they can help anyone else out there.
 
So here are my top 3 tips.
 
1 – Have a thought through plan B, but don't have a fully detailed plan C, D and E.  Accept that you may need to shift a few things, but don’t obsess over every single possible tangent that a situation may lead to.  
 
You only have a certain amount of energy, so investing some in a back up is great; however using all of it to create multiple back ups will leave you feeling so drained, and you will be unable to navigate any of the back ups should they be required.

​2 – Get the facts, not the fiction.   When you hear something you are often receiving it with a little bias attached.   If the information has passed through a group of people you will have multiple levels of bias attached.  You also always add your own piece of bias to what you see or hear.  We can all get so caught up in something we have heard, only to then realize hours later that it wasn’t that bad, or it wasn’t even entirely true.  
 
Again, invest your energy wisely.  When someone says “did you hear…” ask where they heard it from, ask if they know it is for definite or if it is just a possibility, ask if they are even meant to know this information.  Believe me, their answers to this will give you a fair idea as to whether what you are hearing is definite fact or not. 
 
Not only is this a great time and energy saver, but it will also give more credibility to the things you do say.  If you stop yourself from passing on any hearsay you will find that when you say something yourself it is given more gravitas.  You will also find that once you question sources of hearsay, people will start to only come to you with facts.

​3 – Prepare for the zombie apocalypse.  Ok, don’t fully prepare, but make sure you know who you would have in your survival group.  Create a tribe that you believe in and that serve you. 
 
By surrounding people who support you and have faith in you, it increases the faith you have in yourself.  When this happens you start to trust yourself and that in turn creates the confidence that you can handle whatever life throws at you. 
 
(disclaimer – should a zombie apocalypse occur, I take no responsibility for telling you not to fully prepare)

​So there you have my foundations for starting to embrace uncertainly.  I hope they help, and that you are able to find more peace and enjoyment through letting go.

Also, just to let you know, that person who said striving to do charity work wouldn’t be what I expected was totally right.  I expected it to be largely thankless grafting as I tried to make some sort of tiny difference, and for it to be a somewhat limiting venture.
 
Instead as I type this I am drinking coffee and  looking over Sunset Strip in West Hollywood.  I came over to LA last week to be a part of a Depressed cake Shop pop up at a This is my Brave event, and I have spent the past 6 days working to raise awareness of mental health – while also raising funds for local mental health charities.  I have been honored to have been grafting alongside some of the most inspiring and talented women in America, and I receive communication from people daily about the difference my work and my mental health blog makes to them.  
 
I also know that this is just the beginning, and that there is a plethora of possibilities and opportunities that I couldn’t dream up even if I tried.
 
Yup, this is NOTHING like I thought it would be...

Lots and lots of love to you all,
​Bu xx 

When I was going through my first round of counseling (there have been a few!) I remember having a debate with my therapist (lets call her X) about how I had “let someone hurt me”.
 
To me this was an alien conversation.  Of course I was hurt, they had been hurtful towards me – surely that was as black and white as black and white could be? 
 
Apparently not. 
 
According to X, whether I was hurt or not by someone was something I could decide.
 
Hmmm…
 
I simply couldn’t fathom that I could control the way someone made me feel.  For me if I experienced kindness, I felt good and if I experienced selfish or mean behavior, I felt crummy. 
 
J seemed convinced it was possible (and I trusted her opinion) so I started to look in to what was to me a bit of a far fetched concept . As I started to explore the theory, I discovered that this magical power was not only real - but was also apparently achievable by anyone.
 

Time for the next step - Project “work-out-how-to-curate-this-in-my-life”.   The theory behind it sounded simple; be truly happy within yourself and people won’t be able to make you unhappy.  Right, all I had to do was find the magic formula for achieving authentic self happiness!
 
I set to work on “developing my relationship with myself”.  I started yoga, I read self help books, I practiced daily gratitude and I consciously stopped any negative thinking, turning all unproductive thoughts into positives. 

​It was hard, and at times I would roll my eyes at myself when I felt I was being chirpy to an delusional level; but as time passed it became less forced.  In fact I got so caught up in my new (genuinely) happier way of living, I forgot that I used to exist with another mindset.
​

​
But then... (*insert dramatic & slightly sad music here*) 

One day someone acted in a way that shook me, and it made me feel really, really sad. I felt things that I hadn’t felt for a while, but then (without meaning to) I paused and something magic happened.
 
I remember crying at the unjustness of it, and then as I reached for another tissue I thought:
 
“it’s ok that they have done this.  I feel sad, and I feel let down – but that doesn’t need to impact who I am as a person.  It doesn’t need to take over my day and what I had planned to accomplish.”
 
I had been treated unfairly, and for a second I wanted to find a way (any possible way) to make the “meanie” aware of what they had done.  I felt desperate for them to know they’d hurt me, I felt that if they did it would justify the bad feelings I was having.  Then it dawned on me, I didn’t need to justify feeling hurt.  I also realized I could sit with my feelings, and I did not have to act on them.   I could feel sad, but I didn’t have to be sad.  I didn’t have to let this situation hurt me.
 
Whoa...  I wasn’t going to let it hurt me?   Dammit.  "X" was right those years ago!
 
This was so liberating, not only had this moment of clarity felt like a victory, but as I got on with my day I discovered that my sadness lifted far sooner than I expected.  I was still hurt by the actions I had experienced, but I also knew I was ok, and that the world wasn’t going to stop turning just because I hadn’t embarked on a mission to avenge this cruel and unreasonable behavior.   Previously such a mission would have felt vital in order for me to take back control.  However what I can see now is that by not dwelling on it I wasn’t letting it take up my precious energy, I was surrendering and this was truly taking control.

Since then I have experienced numerous moments when I have been actively responsible for my own happiness, and for how I let external factors hurt me.  Yes I care about being a good person, and yes I care what people think about me – but I am not going to waste energy on trying to convince others of something purely as a way to justify my feelings or have control.   
 
It has had an effect on how I view others too – by not being so reactive to others behavior I am less inclined to want to sway how they treat me.  I no longer think that if I act in a certain way it will mean that people will treat me differently.  Instead, rather than adjusting my behavior in an attempt to impact that of others,  I simply make sure I identify and remain true to my own boundaries.
 
For example, I have a friend who has always been late for our dates.  I’m not talking 10 minutes, I am talking half an hour or more.  This used to drive me nuts, I’d take it personally and would try to think of things I could do to encourage them to be more considerate towards me.  Recently we arranged to meet for brunch, and I decided it was an ideal opportunity to be true to myself and look after my happiness. I stuck to my boundaries and when they were 40 minutes late I didn’t kick up a fuss, but explained I’d set aside the hour for brunch as planned so as we now only had 20 minutes left we’d need to just grab coffee rather than eat together. I respected my time and I didn’t allow any external behavior diminish that respect.  I also no longer require someone else to validate the respect I hold for myself, which means I am able to be more present in the time I spend with them – everybody wins!

I do still speak up when I feel hurt, so if someone I love acts in a way that doesn’t sit well with me I tell them and we work it out.  The difference is that I actively do so from a place of love, respect and wanting us to have the best relationship possible; as opposed to from a place of fear or insecurity.  
 
The way I see it our energy is like a currency - we are far better investing it in something positive rather than “spending it” on than anything that makes us feel bad.  Not only does this make for stronger and deeper connections (with ourselves and with others), but it also frees up so much time and energy for better things. 
 
Things like writing this post, and taking the time to thank you for reading it.
 
Thank you.
 
Bu Xx

Last night (rather than watching the football) I found myself sitting outside a pub I’d never been to, with people I hadn’t even laid eyes on 30 hours earlier; and I found myself holding a version of a talking stick, uttering the words:
 
“I would have once scorned this.  I was so corporate, I was so controlling, I was so bitter.  I’m ashamed to say I had no idea about anything to do with mental health, and it is due to that fact I am so determined to make a difference.”
 
I still have to catch myself sometimes and recognize just how different things are for me.  It is surreal how quickly something new can become the norm, and one thing I am very aware of is that my new way of being is very different from any sort of normal.   It is scary, wonderful, challenging, and rewarding; but definitely not “normal”.   My past couple of days is a wonderful example of that.
 
Let’s rewind to Sunday…
 
I was in an unfamiliar car en route to an unfamiliar house, and I had absolutely no idea what to expect.  I had never been there before, and had never met any of the people who were going to be there.   This  can be a scary enough prospect for anyone, but when you add a dash of severe anxiety into the mixture you have a recipe for complete terror. I had a strange security blanket though, I had communicated online with some of these people, and I knew I was going to a safe place – this is because I was heading to meet some of the faces behind the Depressed Cake Shop.
 

​A big day was looming, as the next day we were headed to the BBC All in the Mind awards, where Depressed Cake Shop was nominated for an award.  It was suggested that we get together the night before, and as I was making my way across London I realized that I was wishing we hadn’t made that decision.  Had we not decided to meet that night, I was acutely aware that I could have put off the anxiety inducing moment for another 24 hours.
 
Clutching my empty suitcase (ready to be filled with DCS merchandise) and a box of cupcakes (naturally!) I rang the bell.  I don’t know about you, but sometimes I convince myself to do something, only to then find that the second I have done it I want to run away - ideally before before anyone knows I have done whatever I pushed myself into doing. 

​This was one of those moments. 

​While I was trying to calculate whether I could make a run for it in time without tripping over my suitcase or dropping the cupcakes (both would obviously be a complete giveaway!) the door opened.  There was no going back.
 
I had a complete blank as to what I should expect, but at the same time my anxiety had concocted a million different possibilities - each more terrifying than the last.  Instead what followed was an evening containing laughter, inspiration, understanding and a real sense of belonging. 
 
Don’t get me wrong, I can still recall vividly the moments when I could feel myself babbling. I can instantly revert back to the cringe-worthy fear  that I was bumbling through conversations, or that people were just “being polite” as they smiled and nodded. 

The beautiful thing is that I also remember feeling that it was all going to be ok.  I can remember the tones of people's voices as they spoke about why they were so passionate in doing what they do, and I can feel that little ache that you get when you laugh harder than you can control.  We had been looked after as guests so wonderfully, but it was more than that – we were also made to feel genuinely welcome, and that we could relax and be ourselves.  It felt like we were all in it together, even though I'm not totally sure what "it" was.

​As I headed back to my hotel I was thinking about how the DCS really is a family.  We are all so individual, and have our own reasons for doing what we do in our own way; but we also have a tie that holds us together and it is more meaningful than a simple hobby or shared interest.
 
When I arrived back at the hotel I parked up in the bar with a glass of wine, and I forced myself to reflect.  I wanted to take a moment to really digest what had happened that evening.  Not only the joy I had felt, but also the fact that I had been able to put myself into that position.  It hadn’t been easy, and I still had those “argh, why did I say that?!” moments to contend with; but it had been entirely worth it.  It had given me something that I couldn’t have bought, or whittled out from any other situation.  It had to have been those exact people, in that exact setting.  
 
Sometimes when we lose control of our minds, it can be scary to think about the future.   We can worry about whether we will always feel this way, and we compare what we do now with what we could do before. Back in 2010 I didn’t think twice about jumping on a plane on my own to go to New York and meet some girlfriends for cocktails (true story!) - I had the finances to do it, I had the care-free attitude to do it, and I had the guts to do it.  At the time I had no idea just how much I was taking those three things for granted.  In comparison, going for dinner seems rather a small thing, and that is why I knew I needed to stop and give myself credit.  It can be so easy to assume that because something was once easy we’d be silly to celebrate it, but it’s these little victories that make the difference.  It is these victories that show we are not giving up, and that we won’t allow an illness to get the better of us.
 
I woke yesterday and was immediately looking forward to seeing these amazing people again.  Not only that, but we were off to the awards! 

​We arranged to meet for a quick drink, and it was mid afternoon that I realised there were going to be some new people for me to meet.  This in turn meant more new people to be terrified of, and to worry about looking a fool in front of! I

told myself that it would be ok, and that the previous evening was proof of that fact.  However, logic that we want to apply becomes as useful as a chocolate teapot when anxiety is in the mix.  I found myself sitting in my hotel room, having to work hard to hold my nerve and not crawl back under the covers. 
 
I made it out from my room, something you may have deduced if you have been paying attention - as you know that I ended up holding the talking stick (which incidentally was an Anxiety Blob. Mine is called Albie, but more about him in a moment). 

I'm happy to report back that it was a great thing that I made it out; I can also report that the people I met last night were absolutely delightful, and further proof of the incredible people that DCS attracts. 
 
As I type this I am (as usual) recalling the moments when I stumbled over words, stumbled over my own feet, and stumbled in general.  I am also aware that those moments don't matter and are not the overriding memory I associate with the evening.  

This is because I also have been left with a genuinely magical feeling from what has happened over the past two days.   

Whats more, I am even more determined to keep trying to raise awareness and knowledge of mental health, and to fight that stigma associated with it.   Besides, I’ve promised I will do so to the DCS crew, and I can’t break a promise – they’re family. 

​I’m guessing you may want to know if we won the award.  Tune in to Radio 4 at 9pm tonight to find out...
 
In the meantime, thank you for reading, thanks to the whole DCS family for letting me be a part of something so wonderful, and to the BBC and The Wellcome Collection  for hosting the event, which promoted our relationships from being virtual to face-to-face.

​If you want your very own Anxiety Blob, they are created by Sweatpants & Coffee & handmade by Fleece Menagerie.  These grey ones are limited edition – make sure you get yours from www.depressedcakeshop.com asap!  

​Also, don't forget BuBakes is holding a Depressed Cake Shop popup on August 7th.  More details here. 

​Huge love
Bu (and Albie!) xx 

I am Liz, I am Bu, I am LizBu, I am Liz Burnett (maiden name) I am Liz Fox (married name), I am wifey-face (pet name from my hubbie-face) I am Elizabeth (used by my brother, who I still call Stephen, even though everyone else seems to call him Steve).
 
I am NOT anxiety.  I am NOT Depression.  These are things I have, not things that make me who I am.
 
It has taken a long time (over 30 years) for me to work out what it means to be true to yourself, and to discover your own identity.  Having been given labels from when I was still in single figures of age, I attached myself to them and I became solely made of them.  When I went from being “a smart one” in primary school to a sea of “smart ones” in a secondary grammar school I had no idea what to do.  I lost who I was, and so I started to grab to any sort of identity I could.  Unfortunately it was the wrong one, but that aspect of my life deserves it’s own post so I will delve into it on a later date.

Until then just remember... 

​Fast forward over 20 years and I am starting to get to know the spirit of me.  I am starting to see what I can do, and I am starting to love spending time with me.    This is wonderful, a true blessing – but then I have a day when I can’t get out of my front door or speak to anyone, and I start to freak out.  Where has that spirit gone? Why can’t I live the life I want to?
 
The problem with mental health issues is that they are a health issue… I know, you would think the name of it would give that away; yet it is still amazing how ignorant so many of us are to them and what they actually mean.  I put myself in the ‘ignorant but becoming less so’ category. I am still learning, and know I will continue to do so for the rest of my life.
 
So when you are faced with a challenge that takes over so many aspects of your life, how do you stop it from defining your life? Most importantly how do you stop it defining who you are?
 
It’s taken me a while to work through these things I am going to share with you.  They each involved their own lessons that I had to learn for myself, but they all help me remain ME on the days I feel anything but the spirited individual I know I truly am.
 
1.  Acceptance. 
We have to accept things that you cannot change.  There is no point driving yourself crazy on the things you cannot change, you are wasting time and energy that could be spent working out how to make the best of a situation.
 
We can develop ourselves, we can strive to grow and learn, but we cannot change who we are at any given present time.
 
When I brush my teeth each day I look myself the eye and I say “I accept me as I am right now”.

I also put something in place to be able to smile a little when I am accepting a bad day.  I recently bought this top from PINK, and when I am having a day when I just have to admit I will not be venturing past the threshold I pull it on.  It is my way of saying “ok, you know you won’t do it, that is allowed.”  This makes me feel safer as when I pull it on I am pulling on acceptance, and I have a barrier against guilt or shame associated with my restrictions.

​2.  Just because something is made for use outside the home, doesn’t mean you have to use it outside the home.  These cups are my favourite example.

I LOVE these Kate Spade cups for so many reasons.  The main one should be obvious (and if you don’t get the instant link I’d love to know how you found this blog post – as it clearly wasn’t via a cake related source!)  but I also love that they are bright, simple, and just utterly beautiful.
 
I use these at home on my tougher days, because they make me feel good.  Also because if I was going to be out and about I would use them, so why should I stop doing something that makes me feel awesome just because I’m not in my car driving somewhere or wandering around the shops.  It is the essence of what you love that makes you who you are – so embrace that no matter where you are.
 
​
3.  Be savvy…
 
I know that I need to go out sometimes to get bits and pieces (90% of the time it seems to be butter, maybe I should just buy a cow.)  so when I am able to get out and about I use that time to “stock up” on my ‘outside errands.  I pop to see a friend, I nip for a coffee with my folks and I stock up on butter.
 
Then when I have a day when I am stuck I look at what can be on my radar that day.  It might be listing my receipts and finances, or I may update the photos on my website.  I might sit down and write, or I may work on some fondant detailing for upcoming cake commissions.
 
If I am unable to bring myself to do anything then I let that happen too, but the trick is to have some “housebound bits” that are there to be done if I’m stuck inside and I can face it.  In turn this takes away the feeling of missing out, and it eliminates the thought of being useless as I can’t even take the bins out.  I have tasks to do that would have needed doing anyway, so I’m being useful and I am still contributing to my life.  I am still being ME.
 
I use special stationary (check out these beauties below, all made by Knock Knock) for making these lists, as this is means I am using something special that really makes my heart sing.  Once again using things that I know I love helps me keep my sprit alive on darker days.

4.  Let someone know.
 
This was one of the hardest things for me, but now if I am having a bad day I will let Mr. BuBakes know.  Not because I expect him to fix it, but because I want to be a kind and considerate wife.  I want him to know that he may come home to a struggling wifey-face.  I think it is fair to say it has taken a lot from both of us to work out how this can work for us, but now if he knows I have been struggling in the day he will come home and give me a hug before making me a cuppa.  He knows he can’t solve it or take it away, and we both accept that fact.
 
The real game changer here is that just by making him aware and giving him a little heads up, there is that bit of “me” that is making contact with him.  That simple one line of communication “just so you know I’m having a rough day” shows the considerate side of me that I never want to lose, it also makes a connection and automatically you are in it together, and I find this helps me stop the illness defining who I am and how I treat those around me.

5.  I use essential oils. 
​
If I am having a low day I will diffuse some essential oils into my home.  I will choose something uplifting such as wild orange or lime, which is zesty and helps reduce the cabin fever aspect of being stuck indoors.
 
There is something to aid with every feeling and I genuinely feel blessed that I have discovered them.   As I like to share my experiences of them with others, I also feel I keep the connection with my true self when I use them  - again this helps me remember that I am still me.

You can check out the awesome range by Doterra on my very own online store link.
 

​​I hope those have helped someone out there a little.  It is difficult to keep a connection with yourself when you are overcome by something invisible and all consuming – but I promise you there are ways to help.
 
I would always recommend putting a few things in place when you are having a good day, this also recognizes that you will have bad days and you know it – but that you accept it, and you know you are worthy of helping yourself through those days.
 
They say singing is incredibly therapeutic, so lets end this on a high note.

​All together now…
 
"It's my world that I want to have a little pride in
My world and it's not a place I have to hide in
Life's not worth a damn
Until you can say I am what I aaaaaaaam..."

Take care
Bu xx 
​

The sessions were tough but my counsellor Jan was very supportive and knowledgeable. Over the weeks I began to understand that this reluctance to confront things was part of the problem. I couldn't control strong emotions like that forever, the stress was killing me. But the real issue from this first experience was downright fear of change, fear that all these fine brick defences of mine would crumble and leave a poor, frightened little thing out in the open for the first time with nothing to protect her from all the bad stuff. So I dealt with the surface problems on this occasion, because I felt safe doing that. But there was more to come unfortunately. 

Over the last few years I've developed two nasty immune system illnesses and their associated secondary conditions. I am now disabled, need a wheelchair or scooter to get around and have such severe fatigue and pain that I have to rest most of the time. 

As the physical illnesses progressed I fought with everything I had to keep going, to keep working, as I loved my job and the people I worked with, but it just couldn't be done. When I finally accepted the medical advice and was signed off I had lost so much of my life that I didn't see the point of me any more. I enjoyed working, I was good at it, I was valued but I couldn't do it any more. I loved walking, going to the gym, dancing madly and gardening, couldn't do any of them. I was housebound and had nothing to occupy my time. 

Depression hit. For six months I couldn't see a way out of the darkness, the losses were so great they took me over, despite the love and support I had from husband, family and friends. But because I had been there before, learned that all important lesson that help was out there if I asked for it, I knew there was a way out, and I asked for help. Again it wasn't easy, nothing ever is with depression. It took time for me to acknowledge that it was back again, and it needed an expert's help in exactly the same way that my immune diseases did. It was tough as hell dragging myself out to counselling when my body and mind just wanted to stay at home and keep everyone away. Luckily my counsellor this time, Angela from MIND, was brilliant and with her help I was able to confront the new and the long buried issues and have the courage to start letting the bigger and longer buried emotions out. I knew it could be done because I'd done some of it before, if that makes sense. 

In fact I have come to realise that the very "strength" which had built my brick wall was in fact my greatest weakness. If I could approach things from a different angle, maybe I could use that same strength to help me to change things. I could choose to use my determination and willpower to fight this black dog of depression, to take bricks off that wall one by one and both protect and encourage healthy emotional reactions to loss. I could even use my famous will, or strength, to let myself feel those emotions a bit at a time, at a pace that was right for me. I'm still learning how to do this, and understanding that each battle won in mental health recovery is a victory. 

So to answer the question of what is strength to me, it's realising that what is popularly perceived as "weakness" can actually the best kind of strength......to ask for help and learn how to cope better during the times when depression bites. Because it waxes and wanes just like many other illnesses, and there probably will be a next time. 

I'm hoping that what I learnt along the way, what helped me immensely, may be of use to someone else so I've listed some tips, thoughts and sources of support below. 

• You don't have to go to the doctor to request help with depression or any mental health 
  condition. I know some people don't want it on their record or don't feel capable to talking to their doctor. The charity MIND offers a self referral process through their website, where you can download a form and send it off to them, to kickstart the process of finding the right person to talk to. http://www.mind.org.uk 
• If you can, talk to a friend you can rely on to support you about what you're doing. If you're in a place where you don't want to talk in person, there is a marvellous website called 7 Cups of Tea which offers online support in the form of private chat rooms. http://www.7cups.com/depression- help-online/ 
• For anyone struggling with major life changes and feeling that there is nowhere to turn, the Samaritans can help 24 hours a day. 
• Small goals are great. Celebrate your successes however tiny they might be to others......to you they can be huge. I have taken up knitting, which calms and occupies me, and everything I knit is, to me, a big achievement. If I walk five steps more today than I did yesterday, that's fantastic. 
• If your illness is severe and you are off work for a time, there are ways to help yourself feel good and do something worthwhile. I found several sites which promote something called micro- volunteering, which is all about small, quick things you can do which will help other people. Most will take only minutes to do and allow you to participate only when you are well enough. As an example, I have answered short surveys for companies working on finding ways to improve all sorts of illnesses and conditions, played a computer game to help researchers improve methods of learning, as well as making knitted cats for the Cat Protection League to sell. Type micro volunteering into Google and happy hunting. 
• Counsellors see people like you several times a day, every working day. They are the best source of help you can get, they really have seen it all before and they never, ever judge you. Their prime objective is to support you when you're ill and help you get better. Please don't be afraid of going to see one. If you find you don't get on with them, ask to see someone else. 
• Music was a huge source of support for me, as it is very much linked to emotions. I realised I'd stopped listening to music for long periods of time for that reason, but now I take it a song at a time. Other sources of help include meditation, alternative therapies, massage, reiki......try them until you find something that works for you, that makes you feel better. 
• Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. No one yet knows what causes it definitely, but long periods of stress and anxiety or failure to cope with grief, can start it off. It is an actual illness, and there is therapeutic and medical support available to conquer it. It's estimated that one in six people will suffer from mental health issues at some time in their lives. Seeking help for those problems is absolutely the same as for physical ones, and if your doctor doesn't support you in that, find another one. 

You may well come across those who tell you to pull yourself together, who will make it clear that they have no time for such things, that you could stop feeling like this if you choose, that it's really annoying for others when you have to change plans. I know the correct and saintly way to respond would be to acknowledge that everyone sees things differently and they just need to be educated, but......I have to call it as I see it and say that they're damn selfish. Their lives must be focused primarily on themselves and their experiences, as their reaction to your illness is to only see things from their own point of view and only in terms of the way it affects them. So really it's they who have the problem, not you. Don't give them squatting rights in your head. 

​Let's finish with the reason for writing this blog. There should be nothing wrong in talking about mental health openly, but we aren't there yet. Finding and accepting the help you need with mental health issues is made harder by that one fact alone. If you mention that you're depressed, most people don't really know how to respond. You don't necessarily want to be labelled with a mental health condition at work, or with friends, so you keep quiet. So therefore it's not unusual to think that no one else will understand, that you're on your own in this and you can't ask anyone for advice in dealing with things. 

This state of affairs is not something one person can change on their own. But just talking openly about mental health or your experiences with it can really help. Every person who says, "Yes, I've suffered from depression (or whichever illness you have) and I know what it's like", can help others in all sorts of ways. Just writing this blog has been a catharsis for me. What is wonderful about Liz's website, ethos and blog is that it actively promotes awareness of mental health issues, and turns something negative into something positive, by showing that you are not on your own, that others' personal experiences can help you and encourage you to seek help with less fear. 
​
Thanks for reading this, and I hope that some of the coping mechanisms and thoughts that helped me can help someone else. If you have your own brick wall and can't see a way out, I hope you've been reassured that there are many good people out there who can help you dismantle and rebuild it in safety. Just use your strength to ask. 

"Life is an enigma"

I sent that in a tweet about half an hour ago. It really does amaze me that the more I seem to learn about life, the more I realise there is to learn.

I can safely say that over the past 2 years I have learnt lessons that will stay with me forever.  I have had a complete turn around in how I see life, relationships, people, and myself. 

When I have looked back over the past 30-something years, I have been able to identify moments that formed who I was before I was "taken ill".  I have been able to acknowledge thoughts and processes that were deeply ingrained in me, and that were causing me more destruction than good. As I started to unpick such things I was initially terrified about the idea I had wasted so much of my life, and I been wrong about so many things.

As time passed, (and with the help of medication, therapy and a LOT of support) I have been able to accept that these things/ways/thoughts/processes were what they were. They had happened. I couldn't change the past.  They weren't happening in the present (let's be fair, not much was happening in the present when I was housebound and unable to communicate with other human beings) yet I still associated them with the present me. 


I had two choices - carry on as I was., which would one day end up with an 80 year old me still carrying concerns about things that had happened decades before; or accept that while I am the same person, I am also a very different person.  Let's face it, over time we do change. We make different choices, based on where we are at the time, what we know, and of course past (possibly incorrect) decisions.  


It is very easy to beat ourselves up over choices we have made, but at some point we need to draw the line between "should have known better" and "now I do know better". 

When suffering with anxiety it becomes natural to second guess (and third guess, and forth guess) decisions we have made.  It is easy to imagine every possible scenario that would have been preferable to one we find ourselves in, and it can make us seize up - terrified of doing anything for fear that it will be wrong.


I am now trying to follow my heart and make decisions based on what I feel is right.  It isn't always easy and it isn't always possible, but giving myself permission to possibly make a mistake has been incredibly liberating. 

​​So go ahead, make a decision. Trust that it will be ok, give yourself permission to try and find out, oh - and do let me know how it goes. 


Lots of love 
Bu xx 

I just had one of those moments when I thought "I MUST share this; maybe noone will see it, maybe it will just be there for me to read in the future, but I must do it".

I was trying to explain to someone how I try to manage aspects of my mental health.  One of the ways I do it is via this blog. I strive to fight the stigma that is attached to mental health issues.  The stigma is huge, and stale and will take so much chipping away at.  

It has formed over time, and now has so many layers, each like a layer that has to be removed.  Some are like limestone, some like shale; others like composite rocks - opinions and prejudices that have all gathered together to make one larger established opinion.  

If I can reach some people through my blog then they can help me chip away at a layer; then they mention mental health to someone else and that chips away at another layer, and so on. 

Then, on bad days it's in front of me; and while I may feel like I'll never be able to do those things again, it was ME who jotted them down, so it is like a sign from ME that I might just be ok. 

I don't know if that makes sense?

I named this post in honour of an amazing woman I know who is currently undergoing chemotherapy.  She always encourages me to take baby steps, and highlighted this morning that my diary is one of them.  That is why I felt I'd like to share what I do, just in case that baby step can help others.  

This lady pointed out today that we approach our illnesses in similar ways, even though hers is more physical than mine.  What a wonderful thing for someone like me to hear.  Here I am trying to remove the stigma attached to mental health, and someone in the throes of a most crippling illness highlights that we are choosing to work through it all in a similar way.  

Both of our illnesses are crippling in their own way, and both deserve support and understanding.  The point I made in response to this lady, is that I feel how we choose to battle our illnesses is what defines us deep down. The illnesses affecting us are parasites that try to stop us being us.  The illnesses try to define us.  They take over us on our bad days, so it's up to us to build defenses on our good ones. 

I'd like to finish by asking you to think about real baby steps, whether you are ill or not I think there is a point here that is valid for us ALL in life.   

We can't remember it, but we fell so many times when we were learning to take baby steps.  Heck, I still fall over now!  So it's ok if we seem to be making progress with something and then stack it.  After all, we all got there in the end with the walking, didn't we?

Thank you for reading, and take care

Bu xx