I don’t look sick.
 
If you were to see me out and about, you would likely see a pulled together individual.  I’d be cracking jokes, enquiring as to what people have been up to, and you’d be forgiven for assuming that I’m doing a great job of navigating my way through my mental illnesses.  In fact at the weekend I was talking to people about my mental health, and had three separate conversations about people who were  surprised to learn I struggled with it.
 
This made me think, is that a good thing?
 
I don’t want to ruin a social event by showing the world just how terrifying I am finding it.  Believe me, there would be no better way to throw a wet blanket over proceedings than to let people know what is running through my mind when they are chatting away to me!   That said, I want to share know how hard it is for some people, as I feel this is how we will raise awareness and understanding of mental health.  I also feel it would be good for us to know how many people out there are struggling with the same battles.
 

​When I went out on Saturday, this above photo was "me".  Make up on, hair done, joking about while clutching Albie (my Anxiety Blob).   I was out for about 3 and a half hours, and I’m quite proud to say that I held it together for that time.  Anyone who knew me well may have been able to pick up on my constantly moving hands (so that my shaking wouldn’t be as obvious) or the occasional catch in my throat (as I reminded myself that I needed to breathe), but to everyone else I kept my secret hidden.
 
The thing I want to share is that behind those 3 and a half hours was some serious preparation.  The week prior to it had been a tough one.  My anxiety had been sky high, my motivation to join the real world each day was low on the good days.  I have been trying to record my reality of mental health, and the following photos were taken in that week on two consecutive mornings when I was really struggling to get on with my day. 

​On these days I did yoga, I meditated, I went to therapy on Tuesday.  All week I journaled, I practiced gratitude, I had time curled up on the sofa trying to rest.  I ate healthily, I drank lots of water. I did every conceivable thing that I could to try to “feel better”. 
 
Sometimes I find it most unfair that doing all these things and putting in the effort doesn’t make a blind bit of difference.  The truth is though, that while it does not make me “better” it does stop me from getting worse. 
 
It is also worth being aware that it is not only gearing up for an event like this that takes planning and consideration.  The aftermath needs to be planned in too.  I was so mentally exhausted after being in “I’m ok!” mode on Saturday, that Sunday was a wash out.  I spent it on the sofa, in trackies, watching Harry Potter (the first, second, third AND forth films).  This may sound like a lovely lazy Sunday to many, but Sunday is the only day Mr. BuBakes and I have together every week.  I wanted to be out with him, doing fun stuff and laughing – the reality was that this was never going to happen.
 
I guess there are a few main points I want to get across from sharing this today:

• If someone who battles with their metal health can only commit to “maybe I’ll come along” then often it is not that they aren’t bothered, it may be that they literally do not know if they will be able to manage it.

 

• If that someone does manage to come out, be flattered, it must mean a lot to them and a great deal of work may have been done in getting them there.

 

• If this is the case, the occasional squeeze of the arm and “you’re doing amazingly, how are you feeling” goes a long way.

 

• If the person needs to suddenly leave, let them know that is ok and that you appreciate the time they spent there.  No doubt the second they go they will be berating themselves for not being able to stick it out for longer, so the assurance that their time spent out was valued goes a long way in stopping the shame cycle.

 
It is hard for everyone to truly understand how everyday occurrences can take so much, and that’s ok.  No one expects non-sufferers to simply “get it”, but people acknowledging it is a wonderful thing.
 
In a previous blog post I wrote...
 
“Sadly I know that there have been comments by people questioning how I can do all my baking and set up BuBakes when I am “sick”, and to those people I can only say that they don’t understand the kind of “sick” that I am.  That’s absolutely fine - I didn’t understand it before, and I still can’t fully get to grips with it now.“
 
...and two years on this is still entirely true.     
 
My sickness is still one that is hard to explain.  It is one that people still can’t see unless they know what they are looking for, and it is one that I am still getting to grips with.  
 
I think I will be constantly learning about it for the rest of my life, and that is ok.  Not only because my self discovery will be ongoing and that is a wonderful thing; but also because it means I can continue to share what I learn as I learn it,  in the hope that it may help raise the awareness and understanding of mental health.
 
Lots of love to you all.
Bu xx

,​Just after my breakdown I told someone that I wanted to get involved with charity to try and make a difference in the world of mental health.  I didn’t know what, and I didn’t know how, but I knew I wanted to do something.  It was a feeling that I couldn’t ignore, and it was resonating with me on a level I hadn’t experienced before.
 
Therefore, I was quite disappointed when the person I opened up to said “you don’t want to do that.  It won’t be how you think it will be”.
 
I still recall that conversation, and I play it back to myself every few days.  I used to be so consumed with controlling and planning my future, and I would leave very little room for uncertainty.  Therefore when my attempt at reaching out and doing something different was challenged, I came very close to giving up that intention.   Luckily the feeling in my gut wouldn’t go away and so I pursued it.  I was desperate to make a difference, and to let go of my fear of uncertainty.
 
These days as my anxiety can take over at any moment I have to live with a certain buffer, and this means I have to embrace uncertainty.  Rather than obsess over the little details I have evolved into living with a “things are working out perfectly just as they are” approach. 

It's taken a few years for me to develop this acceptance, and it is something I am still working on improving.  While it takes work, I know there are a few things I subscribe to that really help me.  As I know how they have had a huge influence in my life, I thought I would share them in case they can help anyone else out there.
 
So here are my top 3 tips.
 
1 – Have a thought through plan B, but don't have a fully detailed plan C, D and E.  Accept that you may need to shift a few things, but don’t obsess over every single possible tangent that a situation may lead to.  
 
You only have a certain amount of energy, so investing some in a back up is great; however using all of it to create multiple back ups will leave you feeling so drained, and you will be unable to navigate any of the back ups should they be required.

​2 – Get the facts, not the fiction.   When you hear something you are often receiving it with a little bias attached.   If the information has passed through a group of people you will have multiple levels of bias attached.  You also always add your own piece of bias to what you see or hear.  We can all get so caught up in something we have heard, only to then realize hours later that it wasn’t that bad, or it wasn’t even entirely true.  
 
Again, invest your energy wisely.  When someone says “did you hear…” ask where they heard it from, ask if they know it is for definite or if it is just a possibility, ask if they are even meant to know this information.  Believe me, their answers to this will give you a fair idea as to whether what you are hearing is definite fact or not. 
 
Not only is this a great time and energy saver, but it will also give more credibility to the things you do say.  If you stop yourself from passing on any hearsay you will find that when you say something yourself it is given more gravitas.  You will also find that once you question sources of hearsay, people will start to only come to you with facts.

​3 – Prepare for the zombie apocalypse.  Ok, don’t fully prepare, but make sure you know who you would have in your survival group.  Create a tribe that you believe in and that serve you. 
 
By surrounding people who support you and have faith in you, it increases the faith you have in yourself.  When this happens you start to trust yourself and that in turn creates the confidence that you can handle whatever life throws at you. 
 
(disclaimer – should a zombie apocalypse occur, I take no responsibility for telling you not to fully prepare)

​So there you have my foundations for starting to embrace uncertainly.  I hope they help, and that you are able to find more peace and enjoyment through letting go.

Also, just to let you know, that person who said striving to do charity work wouldn’t be what I expected was totally right.  I expected it to be largely thankless grafting as I tried to make some sort of tiny difference, and for it to be a somewhat limiting venture.
 
Instead as I type this I am drinking coffee and  looking over Sunset Strip in West Hollywood.  I came over to LA last week to be a part of a Depressed cake Shop pop up at a This is my Brave event, and I have spent the past 6 days working to raise awareness of mental health – while also raising funds for local mental health charities.  I have been honored to have been grafting alongside some of the most inspiring and talented women in America, and I receive communication from people daily about the difference my work and my mental health blog makes to them.  
 
I also know that this is just the beginning, and that there is a plethora of possibilities and opportunities that I couldn’t dream up even if I tried.
 
Yup, this is NOTHING like I thought it would be...

Lots and lots of love to you all,
​Bu xx 

When I was going through my first round of counseling (there have been a few!) I remember having a debate with my therapist (lets call her X) about how I had “let someone hurt me”.
 
To me this was an alien conversation.  Of course I was hurt, they had been hurtful towards me – surely that was as black and white as black and white could be? 
 
Apparently not. 
 
According to X, whether I was hurt or not by someone was something I could decide.
 
Hmmm…
 
I simply couldn’t fathom that I could control the way someone made me feel.  For me if I experienced kindness, I felt good and if I experienced selfish or mean behavior, I felt crummy. 
 
J seemed convinced it was possible (and I trusted her opinion) so I started to look in to what was to me a bit of a far fetched concept . As I started to explore the theory, I discovered that this magical power was not only real - but was also apparently achievable by anyone.
 

Time for the next step - Project “work-out-how-to-curate-this-in-my-life”.   The theory behind it sounded simple; be truly happy within yourself and people won’t be able to make you unhappy.  Right, all I had to do was find the magic formula for achieving authentic self happiness!
 
I set to work on “developing my relationship with myself”.  I started yoga, I read self help books, I practiced daily gratitude and I consciously stopped any negative thinking, turning all unproductive thoughts into positives. 

​It was hard, and at times I would roll my eyes at myself when I felt I was being chirpy to an delusional level; but as time passed it became less forced.  In fact I got so caught up in my new (genuinely) happier way of living, I forgot that I used to exist with another mindset.
​

​
But then... (*insert dramatic & slightly sad music here*) 

One day someone acted in a way that shook me, and it made me feel really, really sad. I felt things that I hadn’t felt for a while, but then (without meaning to) I paused and something magic happened.
 
I remember crying at the unjustness of it, and then as I reached for another tissue I thought:
 
“it’s ok that they have done this.  I feel sad, and I feel let down – but that doesn’t need to impact who I am as a person.  It doesn’t need to take over my day and what I had planned to accomplish.”
 
I had been treated unfairly, and for a second I wanted to find a way (any possible way) to make the “meanie” aware of what they had done.  I felt desperate for them to know they’d hurt me, I felt that if they did it would justify the bad feelings I was having.  Then it dawned on me, I didn’t need to justify feeling hurt.  I also realized I could sit with my feelings, and I did not have to act on them.   I could feel sad, but I didn’t have to be sad.  I didn’t have to let this situation hurt me.
 
Whoa...  I wasn’t going to let it hurt me?   Dammit.  "X" was right those years ago!
 
This was so liberating, not only had this moment of clarity felt like a victory, but as I got on with my day I discovered that my sadness lifted far sooner than I expected.  I was still hurt by the actions I had experienced, but I also knew I was ok, and that the world wasn’t going to stop turning just because I hadn’t embarked on a mission to avenge this cruel and unreasonable behavior.   Previously such a mission would have felt vital in order for me to take back control.  However what I can see now is that by not dwelling on it I wasn’t letting it take up my precious energy, I was surrendering and this was truly taking control.

Since then I have experienced numerous moments when I have been actively responsible for my own happiness, and for how I let external factors hurt me.  Yes I care about being a good person, and yes I care what people think about me – but I am not going to waste energy on trying to convince others of something purely as a way to justify my feelings or have control.   
 
It has had an effect on how I view others too – by not being so reactive to others behavior I am less inclined to want to sway how they treat me.  I no longer think that if I act in a certain way it will mean that people will treat me differently.  Instead, rather than adjusting my behavior in an attempt to impact that of others,  I simply make sure I identify and remain true to my own boundaries.
 
For example, I have a friend who has always been late for our dates.  I’m not talking 10 minutes, I am talking half an hour or more.  This used to drive me nuts, I’d take it personally and would try to think of things I could do to encourage them to be more considerate towards me.  Recently we arranged to meet for brunch, and I decided it was an ideal opportunity to be true to myself and look after my happiness. I stuck to my boundaries and when they were 40 minutes late I didn’t kick up a fuss, but explained I’d set aside the hour for brunch as planned so as we now only had 20 minutes left we’d need to just grab coffee rather than eat together. I respected my time and I didn’t allow any external behavior diminish that respect.  I also no longer require someone else to validate the respect I hold for myself, which means I am able to be more present in the time I spend with them – everybody wins!

I do still speak up when I feel hurt, so if someone I love acts in a way that doesn’t sit well with me I tell them and we work it out.  The difference is that I actively do so from a place of love, respect and wanting us to have the best relationship possible; as opposed to from a place of fear or insecurity.  
 
The way I see it our energy is like a currency - we are far better investing it in something positive rather than “spending it” on than anything that makes us feel bad.  Not only does this make for stronger and deeper connections (with ourselves and with others), but it also frees up so much time and energy for better things. 
 
Things like writing this post, and taking the time to thank you for reading it.
 
Thank you.
 
Bu Xx

I wonder how many of us are still with our first love.  I would be willing to bet that those of us who aren’t can remember the friend who pulled us through the heartache of the breakup.
 
But what about when it feels like one of your friends has broken your heart?
 
For me, friendship is one of the single most beautiful things in life.  My friends are my world; I am naturally a rather cynical being, but my friends are the one area of my life that I have no boundaries with.  I trust that they love me, and I love them unconditionally.

Some of the heart wrenching moments of my life have come when here have been any sort of altercation with these people, and I am (still) devastated to say there have been a couple with whom reconciliation hasn’t been achieved.
 
When this happened I felt the same aching, longing and general disbelief that I'd associated with the end of a romantic relationship .  The things that further twisted the knife was that these were not the people who were meant to make me feel like this.  These were the people who I had believed would undoubtedly be with in 60 years time, recalling stories of our past and still laughing so much we ached.
 
When you lose a friendship, it’s a strange dimension of pain.  It is not something that we can prepare for, and I believe it can be trickier to navigate through than with than a “traditional” break up.  After all, there aren’t stereotypical coping mechanisms associated with friendship breakups; there aren’t the mandatory hours allocated to eating whole tubs of Ben & Jerrys, while watching Thelma & Louise,  or the encouragement to “get a new haircut”, “overhaul your wardrobe" or " go on holiday with the girls”.
 
I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t still ache for certain people, however me saying how much I (still) love them isn’t going to help anyone out there. Instead I wanted to share a few things that I learnt as I worked through my heartbreak.

​

• Spend the spare time you suddenly have (as lets face it, a lot of daily whatsapp messages and a weekly phone call can add up!) investing in yourself.  Grab that book you kept meaning to read, practice that hobby you've been putting off until ‘tomorrow’.
• Do not, under any circumstances, enter into bitching or point scoring.  You are hurting because you love them, be sure to respect that fact and don’t mar it by lashing out.  
• As an extension of the above, don’t use social media as a channel of passive aggressive action.  Once again, "unfriending" people, blocking people, "unfollowing" people and petty comments are not cool.  They are simply detrimental to the memories you share, and to your own classiness. 
• Perhaps more importantly, the above also really dents the opportunity for a possible reconciliation.  It would be horrendous to realize that some love and friendship could have been salvaged, had you not made them out to be the she-devil to all who would listen.

 
Friendships, like ‘other’ relationships, can have bumps in the road.  What really counts is how you deal with them.  Question the bumps, grieve if needed, and then take a step forward. 
 
There is always the chance people will come back into your life when you are both ready, but even if they don’t you can still  to be thankful for all the good times.
 
Also, remember that we only hurt when we lose something we truly loved.   xx

It's that time of year again... 

No I don't mean the kids going back to school, or the fact Christmas is in the shops already.  I mean that we can dedicate Wednesday nights to Great British Bake Off (it's a justified reason to be in pjs by 7.45pm and eating cake for dinner) and that we can start to plan our visit to the Cake and Bake Shows! 

I am delighted to have been asked to be one of the official bloggers for the show again, and have already been planning my visits.  Luckily Mr BuBakes is once again available to come along with me and help me carry my goodies for the day - I remember that last year I may have had a little splurge...! 

​​With two venues (London October 7-9th and Manchester (November 10th-13th) the shows offer you a chance to be fully immersed in a cakey, bakey heaven. With demonstrations, classes, and stalls selling everything you could possibly need,  The Cake & Bake Show is the UK’s only live consumer event dedicated to the world of cakes, bakes and the art of baking, and it is the ultimate day out for both hobby and professional bakers. 

There are always some of the biggest names in the industry in attendance, and this  year is no exception.  Heading the line up are John Whaite, Rosemary Shrager  Nadia Hussain, Jo Wheatley (Yay! BuBakes does love to support a fellow Essex girl!) and Eric Lanlard.

​​Often the suppliers will have show special offers on, so it is a great opportunity to stock up on equipment and ingredients.  Some of BuBakes favourite suppliers have been confirmed, so if you want to try out some of the delights I swear by then make sure you head over to Foodie Flavours Ltd (Stand E65) ... Sugar & Crumbs (Stand E64 - it's a complete coincidence that they are next to each other - this is probably the area you will find me in, stocking up!) and please pop by to see the Help for Heroes gang at E70 (As many of you will know the first BuBakes Depressed Cake Shop popup was held in support of Help for Heroes and Mind.  If you still want to get your limited edition tea towel then it's not too late, just click here!) 

So with all this information in mind, I know you are wanting to know where you can get your tickets from.  You can book yours now here, but wait - BuBakes has the pleasure of offering not one but two pairs of tickets for each venue  for you!

How do you get your hands on these? Here's how...

The first two sets of tickets up for grabs are for the London Event.  You can enter via the BuBakes Facebook page , simply by following the instructions on the pinned post.  The competition closes at midnight (GMT) on Saturday 1st October and will be announced on Sunday morning.    

Good luck, and I hope to see you there! 

​Bu xx 

Please know this is not an attacking letter. In fact it I want it to be the opposite. I like to think that if my experiences can’t be a good example, then at the very least they can be a horrible warning.

I remember loving school. I was a complete geek. I loved the feeling when the penny dropped, and I was so eager to learn. I would be so excited when I discovered something I didn’t know. 

Then I passed my 11+, perfect right? I was in a position to learn while being surrounded by others who were similarly academic.

Unfortunately things didn’t go to plan. 

The labels I had given myself were no longer relevant. I wasn’t the bright one, the smart one, or the one classmates could ask for help.  I was average at best, and I didn’t know how to handle this fact. I had no idea who I was, and the me I thought had been special was actually a bit joke. How could I have thought I was intelligent? In fact I was so silly. 

I was an 11 year old girl who was embarrassed, and had no idea how to exist in this new surrounding. I didn’t know how to be defeated by my peers on an intellectual level, but I was defeated. This left me in a quandary. What should I do?

I had no idea what I was doing, who I was, or how I could be enough anymore. I started to carve out new labels. Initially I thought I could opt for the less academic subjects . While at junior school I had gone to a drama club after school, I took clarinet lessons, and was in orchestra, plus I was in two school choirs.   This was perfect as in my new school I had the opportunity to audition to speak at the upcoming prospective parents evening, and I was chosen (with two other girls). I was SO proud!

Shortly after this I auditioned for a part in the school play, and I didn’t get it. The only thing I thought I might be acceptable at was no longer an option.

In stepped the “Liz” that then haunted me for decades to come. 

I started to goof about, terrified of trying again and failing. I’d do homework at the last minute, do the bare minimum and I became completely disengaged. 

I started to feel the inklings of shame directed at this “new me”, and I started to loathe “Liz” for mucking up. I felt I was failing at “being at a grammer school student” and the more I felt this the further I pulled away. This started my cycle of destructive behavior. I started to arrive late, to smoke, to only care about hanging out with boys, and to carve out only person I felt I was worthy of being. Deep within me I knew I was continuing to muck up, but by now it was too late. The more I rebelled, the more I felt I was wasting opportunities and failing. The more I felt I was failing, the more I rebelled.   This started to get more dangerous; as I got further away from who I thought I was meant to be, the more I hated who I had become. 

As each term passed I would think “next term I’m going to get it right” but I would return to school and realise it was too late for me. I was too far behind, and I had carved out a persona for myself that I couldn’t change. Suddenly I was choosing GCSE choices and I went for the choices my friends were going for. As time passed I realised that I was never going to get the elusive 11A*s that others were aiming for, and I couldn’t stand the impending moment when I was going to be found out. You were all going to know once and for all that I didn’t belong there.

 Amazingly I scraped through my exams (note: in hindsight I did better than “scrape through” however I had two issues.  1. Compared to everyone else I had done terribly, and so that was all I thought you could see. 2. I’d done okay without revising, and therefore I had failed myself and messed up yet again.) and I had a couple of grades that were acceptable enough for me to take subjects at A-Level. 

At this stage I had become a real cliche. I felt like when I was in school people would be amused that I had bothered to show up, and when I wasn’t there I knew no one would really be surprised. 

Dangerously, I was at an age where I could get my hands of alcohol, and was focused on growing up and not having to continue to fail at school.  I was so desperately unhappy, but also so trapped. Perhaps more dangerously I knew I deserved it, I had carved this way for me, and I needed to man up and deal with what I had done.

I remember sitting in a history A-Level class one day, and the teacher asking why I was there. I was confused by this, then I was informed that the school was not happy with my attendance or ability and if I wanted to take the exam I would have to pay for it myself.  To this day I still remember joking with my friends that I’d have more spare time, while inside I just didn’t want to “be” anymore.  I had been so scared of being found out as a no one, that I had become someone I didn’t want to be.  

As time passed I started to realise how many chances I had screwed up. I had been so scared at failing “things” that I had failed at life. I’d like to take a moment to say that there is no blame on anyone for this going undetected. In fact, the only thing that I knew I was successful at was making sure no one knew the turmoil I had inside me. I was so ashamed and was so full of shame, and the worst thing imaginable would be for someone to see that. 

Yes, by the age of 17/18 I was an age where I was fully accountable for my actions, however what I was doing at those ages was still playing out the cycle that I had entered 7 years prior.  I’d love to say that things improved, but I actually spent the next 15 years obsessed with “making up for screwing up” . Nothing was good enough, as I had mucked up that chance that I had when I first stepped through the school gates.  This “I should have” and “I should be” contributed to my breakdown in 2014, and I have been exploring what had happened within me ever since. 

My mind had become such a tangled mess. When I was asked my reason for not fully contemplating suicide, the reason I gave was “that’s not an option - I’d probably screw it up, and then a) I’d end up in hospital – I hate hospitals and b) I couldn’t hide anymore. Everyone would know how screwed up I am. I can’t have that happen”

As I research and learn about the impact of mindset, I am bowled over by just how at risk we all are. We HAVE to learn how to fail and we HAVE to teach people shame resilience. And this is something I implore all schools to properly explore.

Children now have so many things to contend with that generations have not had before. There is now a record of what children are doing, and it is often on the internet on sites such as Facebook for the whole world to see. 

Not only is the lack of privacy a problem, but social media also means that we see others “winning” at life constantly. We have to acknowledge that social media sites are new, and that we have therefore not yet seen the impact on a whole generation growing up with them.  

If we want to educate, we need to take care of the equipment we working with – the mind. If we want to address the fact that people are more medicated, depressed, and disengaged with life and society, we need to teach people how. 
Talking about doing something about mental health is one thing, but we have to do more to introduce it as a part of education and development. Schools have a minimum amount of time they spend on physical education each week, and the same emphasis needs to be given to keeping minds healthy. 

I sometimes see children and I have to catch my breath. I now know that what happens to them while they are so young can have such a huge impact on their mental health, and that it can develop into something so sinister. I am no longer ashamed of who I am, and I am no longer scared that people may know the truth – in fact if sharing my story helps just one person in some way, then it is fully worth it.

You have read this far, and I am thankful for that. I do have 2 favours to ask of you though, and I hope that’s ok.

1. Everyone can make a difference, so please be a part of this. It may be sharing information, or even just being open to conversations about mental health. It is crucial that we educate and inform, and that we battle the stigma that is still associated.

2. This is a message that needs to be imparted to every young mind, (but from a very personal point I’d like to directly appeal now to those who may be teaching a new intake in a grammar school) Please make sure that the students know they are amazing, and should celebrate their success in getting there.

Please let them know from me:

“There will be work, challenges and lessons to overcome. You need to face these to give you opportunities in life, but please know that as a person you are already enough. Right now. As you are.”

Thank you
Liz x
​
PS - apologies for only getting the one A* in my GCSEs – I know I didn’t help the league tables that year!

As I am typing this I am on holiday.  I'm staying in Mauritius (on the north coast) and in front of me I have the sea and some palm trees swaying gently in the breeze.  I can hear waves lapping, birds chirping, and the occasional a shout of encouragement from lookers on as another brave soul attempts to water ski.
 
In short, it is bliss – there is nothing I could want for, and to look at it is exactly as I had pictured it.
 
When I thought about this break, I let my vivid imagination work through all the details and I definitely did a great job.  I am trying to practice positivity and gratitude on a daily basis, and so I’d conjured up an idyllic break away; on which I would sleep until I woke without the aid of an alarm before whiling away the days writing.  I would then spend the evenings getting dressed up, and heading out for dinner dates with my gorgeous husband.

In reality I had forgotten a couple of things...  

What actually happened was that I arrived at the resort and immediately I was on edge. I felt so clunky, but I couldn’t work out why.  I was shattered, I didn’t want to write,  I felt guilty, I thought I was being lazy, and I kept waiting for the moment when it would fall into place.  All the time I was thinking “this isn’t right.  This isn’t how it is meant to be.  What have I got so wrong?”
 
In hindsight (as is always the case) it was unavoidable.  I'd been extra busy in the weeks leading up to us going away – and I had been pushing myself.  I lost track of the times I said things like “I just need to make it until our holiday” or “I’ll catch up with myself and rest while I’m away”.  

In my attempts to be as I thought I should be, I’d forgotten that I can’t just “rest” or “relax” somewhere new.  I hadn’t been kind enough to myself, or remembered that when I am in new surroundings I panic - I have a whole host of new things to take in, worry about and process.  Without knowing it, my mind pings different thoughts and images around, and it is incredibly draining.
 
This is all text book behavior for me, and it’s interesting for me to now sit and reflect on why I hadn’t taken any of it into account.  Perhaps I didn’t feel like I had the right to struggle when I was in such a lovely setting.  Maybe I thought I could overcome my demons.  The stark reality though is that my mental health challenges do not discriminate.  They are not just part of my life when I am in some grotty threatening environment.  They do not only show themselves in a situations that other “healthy” people may feel uneasy in.  They are there for me to work through every single day, and sometimes they defeat me – even when I am sitting in the most glorious settings.

I read in one of the in-flight magazines on the way over that the average person takes 4 days to get into “holiday mode”, and once again with hindsight it is not surprising that I wasn’t able to effortlessly make the transition.  Perhaps it's time to face that one of my biggest challenges  is acknowledging that I can’t just “be” anymore.   
 
One afternoon I was so tired of battling with my own mind, so I decided to lay down and listen to an audiobook.  Having someone speaking at me for a few hours was the white noise I needed. I cleared my mind of “should” thoughts, and I was suddenly absolutely shattered. It was like I had allowed everything to crash down over me; the mental barrier I had been holding up was a floodgate for complete emotional and mental exhaustion.  The impact was so extreme that I couldn’t even function in a conversation with my husband.  We grabbed something to eat and by 7.30pm we were reading in bed.
 
This can be the problem with mental illness.  What you consider to be “the norm” is never really normal.  When you think you have it all figured out, a curve ball comes flying at you, and it can really floor you. 

​The lesson I have learnt this week has been that I am still trying to fight it.  I fought against my mind so much before I had my breakdown, and I am still learning to change that behavior.  I think that one of the reasons so many of us try to fight it and be “normal” is due to the expectation we put on ourselves.  We “should” do this, we are “supposed” to do that.  My holiday is just a tiny example and actually it is something we do every day in life.   I often wonder whether more information and communication about mental health would leave us better equipped to deal with situations that may cause obstacles, and this is a prime example.  Living with mental health concerns can very much be a case of trial and error - often with the person who is struggling doing their best not to inconvenience other people. 
 
If one of us was on holiday with a broken leg, we wouldn’t think twice about discussing what helps to make it easier.  We wouldn’t worry about having people help us, or putting people out.  So why is it that we try to “make do” with a non-physical health complaint?
 
I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that the more we speak about things the greater the understanding amongst us can be. 

I am not so naïve as to think that there will be some people who can’t help but think “what is there to complain about, she’s on holiday, she just needs to chill”, but that is why I want to put this out there.  If it challenges that mindset in just one person, then it is worthwhile.

​The more I reflect and write, the more I see how dangerous the “should” mindset is.  I want to cover it more, and it is forming a large part of the book I am working on.  For now though I’d just like to take a second and say that yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day, and that for many the impact of how they think they “should be” can have truly heartbreaking consequences.  
 
While I know that a simple blog post cannot change the world, or take away so many people’s pain; I do promise that I will keep doing what I can.  No one out there is ever alone.

Sending lots of love 
​Bu xx 

​The weekend just gone was a sunny, warm one with clear skies and the smell of barbeques in the air.  There was one slightly unusual thing about it though – there were big patches of grey around us. 
 
No, the grey wasn’t the shadow of a “typical English summer raincloud”,  it was a Depressed Cake popup in Chelmsford, Essex, which was held alongside a grey bakes theme for Sunday Baking Club.
 
There will be another post about the popup event itself, but this post today is to celebrate some of the best “grey bakes” that were submitted on Twitter - and there really were some incredible entries!
 
Below are a few of my best bits… Choose your favourite and the winner (with the most votes by the end of Sunday 14th)  will win a BuBakes Limited Edition tea towel! 

To note, Albie and his giant meringues are not in the final cut for voting, as I didn't want to be accused of fixing anything!  Albie did want to remind you though, that you can still get your limited edition tea towel to mark BuBAkes' first (of many) Depressed Cake Shop events, and that ALL profits go to charity! 

Get yours here, and then show us all how you #BakeADifference. 

If you would like to find out more about holding your own pop up, you can visit the DCS website, or give me a shout and I'd be happy to answer any questions or help wherever I can.

​Lots and lots and LOTS of love 
Bu xx 

Last night (rather than watching the football) I found myself sitting outside a pub I’d never been to, with people I hadn’t even laid eyes on 30 hours earlier; and I found myself holding a version of a talking stick, uttering the words:
 
“I would have once scorned this.  I was so corporate, I was so controlling, I was so bitter.  I’m ashamed to say I had no idea about anything to do with mental health, and it is due to that fact I am so determined to make a difference.”
 
I still have to catch myself sometimes and recognize just how different things are for me.  It is surreal how quickly something new can become the norm, and one thing I am very aware of is that my new way of being is very different from any sort of normal.   It is scary, wonderful, challenging, and rewarding; but definitely not “normal”.   My past couple of days is a wonderful example of that.
 
Let’s rewind to Sunday…
 
I was in an unfamiliar car en route to an unfamiliar house, and I had absolutely no idea what to expect.  I had never been there before, and had never met any of the people who were going to be there.   This  can be a scary enough prospect for anyone, but when you add a dash of severe anxiety into the mixture you have a recipe for complete terror. I had a strange security blanket though, I had communicated online with some of these people, and I knew I was going to a safe place – this is because I was heading to meet some of the faces behind the Depressed Cake Shop.
 

​A big day was looming, as the next day we were headed to the BBC All in the Mind awards, where Depressed Cake Shop was nominated for an award.  It was suggested that we get together the night before, and as I was making my way across London I realized that I was wishing we hadn’t made that decision.  Had we not decided to meet that night, I was acutely aware that I could have put off the anxiety inducing moment for another 24 hours.
 
Clutching my empty suitcase (ready to be filled with DCS merchandise) and a box of cupcakes (naturally!) I rang the bell.  I don’t know about you, but sometimes I convince myself to do something, only to then find that the second I have done it I want to run away - ideally before before anyone knows I have done whatever I pushed myself into doing. 

​This was one of those moments. 

​While I was trying to calculate whether I could make a run for it in time without tripping over my suitcase or dropping the cupcakes (both would obviously be a complete giveaway!) the door opened.  There was no going back.
 
I had a complete blank as to what I should expect, but at the same time my anxiety had concocted a million different possibilities - each more terrifying than the last.  Instead what followed was an evening containing laughter, inspiration, understanding and a real sense of belonging. 
 
Don’t get me wrong, I can still recall vividly the moments when I could feel myself babbling. I can instantly revert back to the cringe-worthy fear  that I was bumbling through conversations, or that people were just “being polite” as they smiled and nodded. 

The beautiful thing is that I also remember feeling that it was all going to be ok.  I can remember the tones of people's voices as they spoke about why they were so passionate in doing what they do, and I can feel that little ache that you get when you laugh harder than you can control.  We had been looked after as guests so wonderfully, but it was more than that – we were also made to feel genuinely welcome, and that we could relax and be ourselves.  It felt like we were all in it together, even though I'm not totally sure what "it" was.

​As I headed back to my hotel I was thinking about how the DCS really is a family.  We are all so individual, and have our own reasons for doing what we do in our own way; but we also have a tie that holds us together and it is more meaningful than a simple hobby or shared interest.
 
When I arrived back at the hotel I parked up in the bar with a glass of wine, and I forced myself to reflect.  I wanted to take a moment to really digest what had happened that evening.  Not only the joy I had felt, but also the fact that I had been able to put myself into that position.  It hadn’t been easy, and I still had those “argh, why did I say that?!” moments to contend with; but it had been entirely worth it.  It had given me something that I couldn’t have bought, or whittled out from any other situation.  It had to have been those exact people, in that exact setting.  
 
Sometimes when we lose control of our minds, it can be scary to think about the future.   We can worry about whether we will always feel this way, and we compare what we do now with what we could do before. Back in 2010 I didn’t think twice about jumping on a plane on my own to go to New York and meet some girlfriends for cocktails (true story!) - I had the finances to do it, I had the care-free attitude to do it, and I had the guts to do it.  At the time I had no idea just how much I was taking those three things for granted.  In comparison, going for dinner seems rather a small thing, and that is why I knew I needed to stop and give myself credit.  It can be so easy to assume that because something was once easy we’d be silly to celebrate it, but it’s these little victories that make the difference.  It is these victories that show we are not giving up, and that we won’t allow an illness to get the better of us.
 
I woke yesterday and was immediately looking forward to seeing these amazing people again.  Not only that, but we were off to the awards! 

​We arranged to meet for a quick drink, and it was mid afternoon that I realised there were going to be some new people for me to meet.  This in turn meant more new people to be terrified of, and to worry about looking a fool in front of! I

told myself that it would be ok, and that the previous evening was proof of that fact.  However, logic that we want to apply becomes as useful as a chocolate teapot when anxiety is in the mix.  I found myself sitting in my hotel room, having to work hard to hold my nerve and not crawl back under the covers. 
 
I made it out from my room, something you may have deduced if you have been paying attention - as you know that I ended up holding the talking stick (which incidentally was an Anxiety Blob. Mine is called Albie, but more about him in a moment). 

I'm happy to report back that it was a great thing that I made it out; I can also report that the people I met last night were absolutely delightful, and further proof of the incredible people that DCS attracts. 
 
As I type this I am (as usual) recalling the moments when I stumbled over words, stumbled over my own feet, and stumbled in general.  I am also aware that those moments don't matter and are not the overriding memory I associate with the evening.  

This is because I also have been left with a genuinely magical feeling from what has happened over the past two days.   

Whats more, I am even more determined to keep trying to raise awareness and knowledge of mental health, and to fight that stigma associated with it.   Besides, I’ve promised I will do so to the DCS crew, and I can’t break a promise – they’re family. 

​I’m guessing you may want to know if we won the award.  Tune in to Radio 4 at 9pm tonight to find out...
 
In the meantime, thank you for reading, thanks to the whole DCS family for letting me be a part of something so wonderful, and to the BBC and The Wellcome Collection  for hosting the event, which promoted our relationships from being virtual to face-to-face.

​If you want your very own Anxiety Blob, they are created by Sweatpants & Coffee & handmade by Fleece Menagerie.  These grey ones are limited edition – make sure you get yours from www.depressedcakeshop.com asap!  

​Also, don't forget BuBakes is holding a Depressed Cake Shop popup on August 7th.  More details here. 

​Huge love
Bu (and Albie!) xx 

Two years ago yesterday I imploded.  

I was rushed to the doctor, and then I hid in a flat on my own for weeks. Each time I tried to leave it, I found I couldn't.  Each time I tried to speak to someone, I found I couldn't.  Everything seemed to crumble, until the only thing I was left with in the dark was me.  The problem was, I hated me.  The only way was up.

As I reflect on the two years, it would be easy to still think of the things I miss out on due to my illnesses.  I could think about the salary I don't earn, the nights out I can no longer enjoy, the phone calls I can no longer bring myself to make. 

I could think about the days when I can't see anything other than a cloud of grey, and when I am convinced that people are only in my life due to some sort of perverse Truman Story obligation. 

I could think about the 7 attempts it has taken to get my meds right, each one with weeks of a gruelling "limbo" as I knew I had to give it time and allow it to get worse before it could get better.  Each time when it didn't get better I would have to start again, embarking on another downward path that may or may not be "the right way". 

I could reflect on my 4 different courses of therapy (three different sorts!) or on the several ‘friends' I have lost.  

I could let myself flash back to hearing phrases from people I thought I could trust, such as “I’ve had other friends with mental health problems and they’ve not acted like you” and “you’re just using this as an excuse“.

Excuse my french, but FUCK THAT!   Instead, today I have been focusing on the brighter side... 
 
Since I imploded I have:

• Met some truly phenomenal people, who believe more in me than I do myself; and have helped me to develop a faith in life and people that I never dared trust in before.
• Discovered a creative streak that I had repressed since I left primary school.
•  Turned to writing to try to express the plethora of nonsensical thoughts in my mind.
• Developed my new creative side into being a fully functioning business, which grows along side me, and also allows me to focus on my recovery.
• Had my baking critiqued (positively!) by Michel Roux Jnr, and my writing endorsed by Stephen Fry.
• Raised almost £1000 for Mind

 
 What felt like the end for me, has turned in to the end of a life I would never wish to go back to, and the beginning of a new me.   A less perfect me. 
 
Now I am:

• A me who still hides under a blanket some days, unable to even venture out to shower, but that is ok.
• A me who enjoys accepting where I am each day while I practice yoga and still can’t touch my toes, instead of a me who beats myself up each day for not being fit enough on a cross trainer.
• A me who forgives and learns, instead of holding grudges and wallowing in denial.
• A me who understands that when I thought I had control I was actually being controlled. Previously I would plan as much as I could – to the next minute, day and even year.  Now I am fine about the fact I can barely plan anything as I know that any moment I could slip into a “bad patch”.
• A me who has learned to be open.  I used to think vulnerability would make me needy, now I have no choice but to be vulnerable - and my relationships have deepened drastically.

 
I don’t know what will happen over the next two years, but I do know that what I previously thought was the end turned out to be completely the opposite.   
 
To quote from one of my favourite songs:

​​Thank you for reading my various blogs, and here’s to the ones that are still lurking  and haven’t been written yet.

​Bu xx