I've not written for a while... I'll be totally honest, it's been largely because the year has thrown a few curve balls and I have had to work through a couple of "glitches".  

I could apologise for having been off radar blog wise, but to be totally honest I'm not sorry.  Life can be really tough sometimes, and one thing I pride myself on these days is not sweeping the uncomfortable aspects of life under the carpet.  I don't try to numb difficult feelings, and I certainly don't pretend that everything is ok when it's not.   I have a motto in my life at the moment, "you can either let things make you better, or make you bitter" and this leads me onto a secret I want to share with you...

Not only is it ok to not be ok, but sometimes not being ok can lead to you being more ok than you have ever been! 

Taking time to process, learn and reflect on life lessons can be so valuable, and this morning I have been having a reflective start to the day.  I'm sat with a cup of coffee and I'm thinking about the fact this is my last day as a 35 year old.  Here's another secret... I used to dread birthdays. I hated opening gifts in front of people (due to not feeling worthy) and I hated feeling like I wasn't achieving anything (due to not feeling worthy).

This year though, there's a strange feeling running through me...

This year, I am LOVING it.

My initial reflection of the year has thrown up the following.  At the age of 35 I have:

- Been a finalist at the British Wedding Awards, and taken the runner up spot.
- Created the wedding cake for the British Wedding Awards
- Created the cake for The Open University's 50th birthday
- Given a speech about mental health at The Open University's 50th birthday, which was screened around the world!
- Had multiple articles published in Cake Decorating Heaven
- Completed my first year of a social psychology degree
- Been on two yoga retreats

These are amazing, they really are.  There are other things though, things that run deeper and mean more.  I have had moments in the past year of true game-changing pride.  I experienced moments that have nestled themselves into my being, rather than into my memories. 

The first was when I watched my husband complete the London Marathon, he truly is my absolute hero. It wasn't just about the run for him, it was two fingers up at ankylosing spondylitis (a chronic condition that affects his spine).  As if that wasn't enough, in his fundraising Mr BuBakes was open about his struggles with social anxiety; PLUS he raised thousands for Mind.  
​

​The second was when I was asked to become an advisory board member for Amazing Minds CIC, who make real changes in schools for children's mental wellbeing.  I am so determined to use my experiences to create meaningful change, so future generations don't have to feel the unnecessary pain I felt. To be approached by such an incredible organisation was both a privilege and a gift. 

The third moment from "year 35" that filled me with pure joy and pride was the evening Mr BuBakes & I were asked to be guide parents to Max, the most special mini person I have had the honour of meeting and getting to know.   

Without a doubt it is the greatest compliment I have ever received. 

​
Plus in amongst all of that fabulousness, were (of course) my amazing clients, some amazing events and lots of amazing cakes.   Seriously, life may feel very raw at times, but it is so much fun when you get to lick the cake bowl every day!  

​These are just a few of my favourite cakes from the past year...

​So there we go... I'm pretty happy with how "35" looked, and I cannot wait to see what the next 12 months brings.   You don't need to wait until a benchmark date to consider your achievements though.  Why not sit down and list everything that you can think of that has happened over the past week/month/year that has made you feel proud.   Not sure what to add?  Ask other people - so often others can see things that we totally miss!

Getting to know ourselves, and learning to love ourselves can feel like a task that is often focused solely on what we hope to achieve in the future; but it's so important to stop occasionally and make sure we are celebrating what we have already accomplished. 

Surely it's the unshakable joy that is created in those pockets of time, which creates the magic in our lives that we all strive for.  

Sending oodles of love to you all! 
Bu xx 
​

​When trying to get to know ourselves (and ultimately to love ourselves) we need to tune into what resonates with us.   Finding the connection to who we really are can seem rather alien; after all we grow up learning to focus on others, to be kind, considerate, and not selfish.  Due to this we spend so much time, energy and resources building connection with others, that we can totally lose (if we ever had) the connection with ourselves. 
 
One of the loveliest ways to develop this connection is to create joy for yourself. Yes, it can feel indulgent and various clunky thoughts can occur that make us want to resist the idea.  We feel guilt, we wonder if we’re being selfish - that little voice in our brain starts to challenge who we think we are, daring to explore what makes us happy without anyone else in mind.  
 
We’ll touch on those challenging aspects over the next week, but for today I just want you to think about lovely, warm fuzzy feelings.  What makes you happy?
 
It’s time to discover what fills you up… 
 
I’m not talking about the everyday nice stuff, I’m talking about finding something that makes your cheeks ache from grinning.  Something that you think about and you physically feel your heart lift.  That thing that when you experience it, you truly believe “life’s really alright you know… this is what it’s all about”. 

​​If you have no idea what creates this feeling within you, then you have the best adventure of them all - you get to explore!   
 
Not sure how? 

• Reflecting on your day is a great place to start

Just spending a couple of minutes each evening to consider what lifted you throughout the day, may give you an inkling of the area in which you can find your joy.  Noting down a few things that made you smile each day will not only allow you to see patterns, but it will also encourage you to do more of that good stuff. 

• Be honest, go on, admit what it is that you would LOVE to try… 

 
Most of us have something that we think about and an “I wish” comes into our minds.  Whenever I used to watch Strictly, I would get a real kick out of seeing how happy it made people.  I’d get shivers, and I put this down to me enjoying watching it. This year, Mr. BuBakes and I decided to try something new and so we joined a beginner’s dance class. Now every Thursday evening my cheeks ache from grinning from start to finish.  I may not be overly talented at it, but dancing fills me up.  
 
What’s that thing that you would love to try if you could remove any self-doubt about your ability, or concerns that you “left it too late”? 

• Get inspired

 
Ask people what lights them up, find out what it feels like for them to be lost in something that brings them joy.  Not only will this encourage you to keep trying new things until you discover your own elixir of life, but they may just mention something that makes you feel that it could be the thing for you. 

• ​Above all, play with this.  It’s fun! 

Channel your inner child, that young mind that didn’t know everything and would try things purely because they were there to try.  Don’t assume that you have to have the answers, or that it’s too late in life to do this exploration.  After all, you are never again going to be as young as you are today. 
 
One warning though, happiness breeds happiness…  An amazing thing is that within ourselves we truly do reap what we sow. If we have moments of pure joy this will ripple into other areas of our life. We want more of the amazing feelings it brings and without realising it we will seek the good in more places around us.  Life may start to become that little bit more rosy, so be prepared to start smiling at things you’d never really noticed before. 

Do you know what really brings you joy? Pure joy, just for you? If so, do let us know in the comments below.  It would be great to share ideas, and you never know who may get some inspiration from your experience. 
 
Until next time, 
Bu xx 
​

“Be authentically you”.    What does this mean to you?  
 
When I had my implosion in 2014 these became 3 of the most loaded words in my life.  I despised myself, in my eyes I was failing left, right and centre; so, the idea of embracing the true “me” was ludicrous. 
 
I’d dedicated decades to making up for what I felt were the failures of my younger self. I blamed her for starting a cycle of failure, humiliation and a LOT of shame; so, there was no way I wanted to go back to channeling that little girl in an attempt to discover who she really was and who I’ve been suppressing all this time. 
 
I’d be willing to put money on the fact that pretty much everyone has heard the anthem “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman.  I’m also guessing most of you have felt a little bit of a swagger as you’ve listened to it. We all know that little inner narrative that pops up when it comes on… “Yeah, this is ME. Take me as I am world, I’m proud of being true to myself and I’m not afraid to sing at the top of my lungs” (or mouth along with feeling, if you’re listening in a public space!) 

I'll make it clear now - ​I only know my own story, what has worked for me, and what has been appropriate for me given my circumstances at various stages. In essence I guess this blog post is all about ME - a tad ironic given the subject matter! 
 
However, a lot of my experience over the past 5 years has been influenced by health professionals, trained individuals, and a lotof trial and error. Therefore, my plan is to share some of the ways that I evolved, in the hope that some bits may be useful for others. 
 
Some may not resonate with you, some may be a bit woo-woo for some of you, and of course I can only share how I’ve processed things in my mind. However, as is always the case with my mental health writing, I figure that if one thing helps one person then it’s worth it. 
 
I’ll be posting throughout the month (after all, in this month of lurve, who better to love than yourself?) so do check back in for a number of posts all intended to help in different ways.  Some will contain tips, tasks to try and suggestions that I invite you to at least consider. Some will be reflections, challenges that arose (and still arise) for me, and some will have honest examples of what I’ve discovered (about myself and others...) - it’s not always been pretty! 
 
As always, sharing is caring. If you know someone who has lost their identity, who deserves to love themselves in the way you love them, or even just may be interested then do please invite them along on the journey. 

​Until next time... 
 
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
 
Bu xx

If I asked you what form would your Boggart take, would you have an immediate answer?  (For the muggles out there, a boggart is an amortal shape-shifting non-being that takes on the form of the viewer's worst fear.) Do spiders terrify you as they do Ron, or are you more like Neville with one of your old school teachers still giving you the heebie-jeebies if you so much as think of them?

​For me it’s the idea of public speaking. If there are more than a handful of people in a room I’m screwed. It doesn’t even have to be a long period of speaking - you know those occasions when you’re in a room and someone says “let’s just go around and briefly introduce ourselves”? Welcome to my nightmare...
 
Cue me spending the time before my turn trying to work out what to say; while feeling bad that my mind has completely switched off from listening to others, as I’ve gone into fight or flight mode.  Suddenly everyone is looking at me so I know it’s my turn. Usually I will blurt our something along the lines of “I’m Liz. I make cakes and trying to raise awareness of mental ill health, I guess I’m all about the cakes and crazy...” and then I’ll shrug. 
 
At this point I’ll get a few smiles - but I’m never sure if they are in sympathy for my clear discomfort, awkward grins for the fact I’ve used the word crazy, or relief fueled due to the fact I’m clearly not going to say anything else and they can move on.
 
One of the questions I’ve been encouraged to explore is “What’s the worst that can happen, really?”
 
Now, as someone who is hyper vigilant and encounters anxiety to sometimes crippling levels, this used to be the scariest question I could think of. Seriously, what’s the WORST thing that could happen, stick the kettle on as this is going to take a while...
 
Fortunately, I spent some time unpicking my beliefs and fears with the amazing Tracy Richardson.  Tracy is an absolute game changer, I cannot tell you how many times I would be sat in a room with her and suddenly everything would click into place. Pretty much every time I was with her I’d mutter at least once “Oh *@£%” as the sudden realisation of why I’d been doing certain things dawned on me.
 
One of the biggest things I have discovered through processing thoughts around what I have been scared of has been that in many ways I am like Harry. For me, one of the scariest things that I fear, is fear itself.

So, this realisation hasn’t made me stop fearing things, but it has made me more inquisitive about occasionally testing my fears and dipping my toe into the lake of “What’s the worst that can happen, really?”  It tends to be individual short bursts of bravery, like answering the phone (which spikes my anxiety SO much that I don’t think I’ve even spoken to my folks on the phone for years) but this Friday I am going for what I guess is more of a doggy paddle in that lake.

​At 7pm (GMT) I am so proud (and utterly terrified) that I am being interviewed by the amazing multi-faceted, multi award winning Rudy Caseres all the way from sunny LA for his show “No Restraints”.
 
Rudy has traveled The States working with organisations such as National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), Mental Health America, Project Semicolon, and the American Association of Suicidology. Last year he was awarded Outstanding Peer of the Year by NAMI California and chosen by the Mighty as one of their Mental Health Heroes of 2017!

Lastly, I’m fairly sure several Boggarts will be appearing between now and tomorrow evening, in attempt to scare me into giving in to my fear.  So, if you see or hear me at any point shouting “RIDDIKULUS” you will know why…
 
Have a fabulous day folks
 
Bu xx

I’d love to share more about Tracy Richardson, as I know from personal experience just how much she can help you to transform so many aspects of your life.  This tiny window of information is just the beginning, and you can find our more at positiveinmind

As an experienced therapist and coach who is currently joyfully immersed in studying for an MSc Applied Positive Psychology, Tracy has a firm belief that people are amazing! She feels strongly that people have an immense capacity for learning what makes them tick, and that they can use this knowledge in order to live a fulfilling and meaningful life. Tracy sees being part of this journey of discovery with her clients as a real privilege.
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Tracy is also one of the directors of Seahorse Education Partnerships, a not-for-profit positive education company dedicated to developing better mental health and wellbeing in schools. She and her colleagues have developed a mindfulness-based positive psychology programme for primary schools, Amazing Me, designed to give children the tools to understand themselves and to better negotiate life and any challenges they face. Amazing Me will be available from June 2018. For more information please contact tracy@seahorsed.com

It’s now been a year since I’ve published a blog about what’s going on in my mind. Over this time I’ve had lots of false starts, each time I’d start to write and then be overwhelmed with the thought “I really should get this one finished”.  It was when this statement entered my mind, I put my laptop down and stepped away. 

How many times a day do you use the word “should”? If you’re like me the answer will be too many to count.  In 2017 I was starting to question the engrained expectations I had of myself, and while it’s been a tad rocky at times (pausing to second guess a knee jerk reaction is bloody tough sometimes!) I think I’ve finally replaced the dreaded “should” with the far more exploratory “could”. 

So what? Why am I choosing this one word to break my proverbial blogging seal? 

Let me explain... 

That one word is so dictatorial, if any of these resonate with you it may be time to ask ourselves why... 

• I should lose weight 
• I should stay in touch with that person, even though they make me feel rubbish 
• I should put make up on/do my hair before I nip out 
• I should go to the gym today 
• I shouldn’t take time for “self care” unless everything else is done 
• I should do “self care” as it’s the done thing...
• I shouldn’t buy myself that coffee/lunch/chocolate bar 
• I should look up quick ways to a flatter stomach, as I go on holiday in a week 
• I should shave my legs before I go for a massage 
• I shouldn’t share that I’m proud of myself for something, in case people think I’m big headed 
• I should work over my contracted hours so my boss sees me as a hard worker 
• I should fit in with everyone
• I should stand out as unique 
• I shouldn’t express that something upsets me, in case it seems I’m nagging 
• I should just (wo)man up and get on with it
• When someone steps into my home I should say “excuse the mess”, even though I’ve been tidying manically for the past hour
• I should read this blog as Bu shared it and I want to appear supportive(!)

Ok, so those are just off the top of my head, I’m pretty sure you all have your own.  It’s these sort of things I’ve been trying to catch mid-thought, and each time I’ve asked myself why. Not in a defensive way, more in a quizzical sense.
Who has these expectations of us? In 2017 I discovered it was actually all me - I was telling myself all these things were essential structures for my life, purely because that’s what society has hinted at.    Even scarier was the fact that when I pointed this out to some close friends, they were the same. We have all been doing what we think we “should” even in reality no one is really paying attention, in fact we’re all too busy worrying about our own shit, I mean should. 

When we replace should with could we allow a story to begin. 

"I could go to the gym, or I could stay home and binge watch my favourite show for an hour.   Actually I think I want to go to the gym - I always feel so could after.  Yeah, I choose to do that...then I’ll catch half an hour of Pretty Little Liars (don’t judge folks!) later tonight!"

So, what’s the answer? 

I’m afraid I can’t cure it, but I can invite you to consider the above and spend a second thinking of the things you believe you “should” do. Perhaps then next time you’re about to pick up that duster/dumbbell or deprive yourself of that coffee/chapter, you could catch yourself and ask yourself why. 

You may be surprised at how many of the same things you still end up doing, but the change in mindset while doing them can be quite transformational.

Trust me, I’ve LOVED the feeling of writing again now that I’m doing it without obligation - did I mention I’ve been doing so while on the cross trainer at the gym? Oh yeah, I rejoined in December after a year away, solely because I wanted to! ❤️

​**Proud moment...**

If you pick up a copy of this months Cakes & Sugarcraft you will find me on page 59 talking about baking and mental health! 

​(if you are reading this on your mobile, you may need to click the link below to view the PDF of the article)

​Look after yourselves folks, and have a fabulous weekend. 

​Bu xx

On Nov 10th I'll be attending a book release for a very special publication.

In a world where social media has become an every day experience, it is so easy to find ourselves under pressure to appear a certain way. We add filters to our lives, sharing only the best news and the "good" (filtered) photos, in an attempt to appear like we are "winning".

The amazing Lauren of This Girl is Enough has decided to take action, and in her book Filter Free are a collection of real stories by women who have been prepared to remove all filters and share their truth.

With subjects covering a varied scope including rape, divorce, addiction and alcoholism, it is a difficult read at times; but it is a crucial reminder of the fact that behind the filters we are all human, and not being perfect is a common thread that binds us.

This following excerpt is very special to me as this is a part of my story, I am SO proud to share my truth with so many inspiring, gutsy women.  For me if just one person reads about "filter free me" and it helps them to feel they are not alone, then it is worth all the fear and vulnerability that comes with putting my raw truth out into the world.
​

If you want to find out more, or pre-order your copy, you can do so  here.

Have a fabulous weekend folks - and remember that you are perfect, you don't need to filter anything to make that so.

Bu
xx

​BuBakes is committed to reducing the stigma attached to Mental Health, and personally donates 25p for every order received to MIND.  This is kindly matched by three generous supporters, meaning a £1 donation is made per order. 

I am also training to walk 40 miles in 24 hours along the Cornish Coastlines to raise money for this amazing charity.  If you would like to find out more, or make a donation you can do so here. ​

I don’t look sick.
 
If you were to see me out and about, you would likely see a pulled together individual.  I’d be cracking jokes, enquiring as to what people have been up to, and you’d be forgiven for assuming that I’m doing a great job of navigating my way through my mental illnesses.  In fact at the weekend I was talking to people about my mental health, and had three separate conversations about people who were  surprised to learn I struggled with it.
 
This made me think, is that a good thing?
 
I don’t want to ruin a social event by showing the world just how terrifying I am finding it.  Believe me, there would be no better way to throw a wet blanket over proceedings than to let people know what is running through my mind when they are chatting away to me!   That said, I want to share know how hard it is for some people, as I feel this is how we will raise awareness and understanding of mental health.  I also feel it would be good for us to know how many people out there are struggling with the same battles.
 

​When I went out on Saturday, this above photo was "me".  Make up on, hair done, joking about while clutching Albie (my Anxiety Blob).   I was out for about 3 and a half hours, and I’m quite proud to say that I held it together for that time.  Anyone who knew me well may have been able to pick up on my constantly moving hands (so that my shaking wouldn’t be as obvious) or the occasional catch in my throat (as I reminded myself that I needed to breathe), but to everyone else I kept my secret hidden.
 
The thing I want to share is that behind those 3 and a half hours was some serious preparation.  The week prior to it had been a tough one.  My anxiety had been sky high, my motivation to join the real world each day was low on the good days.  I have been trying to record my reality of mental health, and the following photos were taken in that week on two consecutive mornings when I was really struggling to get on with my day. 

​On these days I did yoga, I meditated, I went to therapy on Tuesday.  All week I journaled, I practiced gratitude, I had time curled up on the sofa trying to rest.  I ate healthily, I drank lots of water. I did every conceivable thing that I could to try to “feel better”. 
 
Sometimes I find it most unfair that doing all these things and putting in the effort doesn’t make a blind bit of difference.  The truth is though, that while it does not make me “better” it does stop me from getting worse. 
 
It is also worth being aware that it is not only gearing up for an event like this that takes planning and consideration.  The aftermath needs to be planned in too.  I was so mentally exhausted after being in “I’m ok!” mode on Saturday, that Sunday was a wash out.  I spent it on the sofa, in trackies, watching Harry Potter (the first, second, third AND forth films).  This may sound like a lovely lazy Sunday to many, but Sunday is the only day Mr. BuBakes and I have together every week.  I wanted to be out with him, doing fun stuff and laughing – the reality was that this was never going to happen.
 
I guess there are a few main points I want to get across from sharing this today:

• If someone who battles with their metal health can only commit to “maybe I’ll come along” then often it is not that they aren’t bothered, it may be that they literally do not know if they will be able to manage it.

 

• If that someone does manage to come out, be flattered, it must mean a lot to them and a great deal of work may have been done in getting them there.

 

• If this is the case, the occasional squeeze of the arm and “you’re doing amazingly, how are you feeling” goes a long way.

 

• If the person needs to suddenly leave, let them know that is ok and that you appreciate the time they spent there.  No doubt the second they go they will be berating themselves for not being able to stick it out for longer, so the assurance that their time spent out was valued goes a long way in stopping the shame cycle.

 
It is hard for everyone to truly understand how everyday occurrences can take so much, and that’s ok.  No one expects non-sufferers to simply “get it”, but people acknowledging it is a wonderful thing.
 
In a previous blog post I wrote...
 
“Sadly I know that there have been comments by people questioning how I can do all my baking and set up BuBakes when I am “sick”, and to those people I can only say that they don’t understand the kind of “sick” that I am.  That’s absolutely fine - I didn’t understand it before, and I still can’t fully get to grips with it now.“
 
...and two years on this is still entirely true.     
 
My sickness is still one that is hard to explain.  It is one that people still can’t see unless they know what they are looking for, and it is one that I am still getting to grips with.  
 
I think I will be constantly learning about it for the rest of my life, and that is ok.  Not only because my self discovery will be ongoing and that is a wonderful thing; but also because it means I can continue to share what I learn as I learn it,  in the hope that it may help raise the awareness and understanding of mental health.
 
Lots of love to you all.
Bu xx

,​Just after my breakdown I told someone that I wanted to get involved with charity to try and make a difference in the world of mental health.  I didn’t know what, and I didn’t know how, but I knew I wanted to do something.  It was a feeling that I couldn’t ignore, and it was resonating with me on a level I hadn’t experienced before.
 
Therefore, I was quite disappointed when the person I opened up to said “you don’t want to do that.  It won’t be how you think it will be”.
 
I still recall that conversation, and I play it back to myself every few days.  I used to be so consumed with controlling and planning my future, and I would leave very little room for uncertainty.  Therefore when my attempt at reaching out and doing something different was challenged, I came very close to giving up that intention.   Luckily the feeling in my gut wouldn’t go away and so I pursued it.  I was desperate to make a difference, and to let go of my fear of uncertainty.
 
These days as my anxiety can take over at any moment I have to live with a certain buffer, and this means I have to embrace uncertainty.  Rather than obsess over the little details I have evolved into living with a “things are working out perfectly just as they are” approach. 

It's taken a few years for me to develop this acceptance, and it is something I am still working on improving.  While it takes work, I know there are a few things I subscribe to that really help me.  As I know how they have had a huge influence in my life, I thought I would share them in case they can help anyone else out there.
 
So here are my top 3 tips.
 
1 – Have a thought through plan B, but don't have a fully detailed plan C, D and E.  Accept that you may need to shift a few things, but don’t obsess over every single possible tangent that a situation may lead to.  
 
You only have a certain amount of energy, so investing some in a back up is great; however using all of it to create multiple back ups will leave you feeling so drained, and you will be unable to navigate any of the back ups should they be required.

​2 – Get the facts, not the fiction.   When you hear something you are often receiving it with a little bias attached.   If the information has passed through a group of people you will have multiple levels of bias attached.  You also always add your own piece of bias to what you see or hear.  We can all get so caught up in something we have heard, only to then realize hours later that it wasn’t that bad, or it wasn’t even entirely true.  
 
Again, invest your energy wisely.  When someone says “did you hear…” ask where they heard it from, ask if they know it is for definite or if it is just a possibility, ask if they are even meant to know this information.  Believe me, their answers to this will give you a fair idea as to whether what you are hearing is definite fact or not. 
 
Not only is this a great time and energy saver, but it will also give more credibility to the things you do say.  If you stop yourself from passing on any hearsay you will find that when you say something yourself it is given more gravitas.  You will also find that once you question sources of hearsay, people will start to only come to you with facts.

​3 – Prepare for the zombie apocalypse.  Ok, don’t fully prepare, but make sure you know who you would have in your survival group.  Create a tribe that you believe in and that serve you. 
 
By surrounding people who support you and have faith in you, it increases the faith you have in yourself.  When this happens you start to trust yourself and that in turn creates the confidence that you can handle whatever life throws at you. 
 
(disclaimer – should a zombie apocalypse occur, I take no responsibility for telling you not to fully prepare)

​So there you have my foundations for starting to embrace uncertainly.  I hope they help, and that you are able to find more peace and enjoyment through letting go.

Also, just to let you know, that person who said striving to do charity work wouldn’t be what I expected was totally right.  I expected it to be largely thankless grafting as I tried to make some sort of tiny difference, and for it to be a somewhat limiting venture.
 
Instead as I type this I am drinking coffee and  looking over Sunset Strip in West Hollywood.  I came over to LA last week to be a part of a Depressed cake Shop pop up at a This is my Brave event, and I have spent the past 6 days working to raise awareness of mental health – while also raising funds for local mental health charities.  I have been honored to have been grafting alongside some of the most inspiring and talented women in America, and I receive communication from people daily about the difference my work and my mental health blog makes to them.  
 
I also know that this is just the beginning, and that there is a plethora of possibilities and opportunities that I couldn’t dream up even if I tried.
 
Yup, this is NOTHING like I thought it would be...

Lots and lots of love to you all,
​Bu xx 

When I was going through my first round of counseling (there have been a few!) I remember having a debate with my therapist (lets call her X) about how I had “let someone hurt me”.
 
To me this was an alien conversation.  Of course I was hurt, they had been hurtful towards me – surely that was as black and white as black and white could be? 
 
Apparently not. 
 
According to X, whether I was hurt or not by someone was something I could decide.
 
Hmmm…
 
I simply couldn’t fathom that I could control the way someone made me feel.  For me if I experienced kindness, I felt good and if I experienced selfish or mean behavior, I felt crummy. 
 
J seemed convinced it was possible (and I trusted her opinion) so I started to look in to what was to me a bit of a far fetched concept . As I started to explore the theory, I discovered that this magical power was not only real - but was also apparently achievable by anyone.
 

Time for the next step - Project “work-out-how-to-curate-this-in-my-life”.   The theory behind it sounded simple; be truly happy within yourself and people won’t be able to make you unhappy.  Right, all I had to do was find the magic formula for achieving authentic self happiness!
 
I set to work on “developing my relationship with myself”.  I started yoga, I read self help books, I practiced daily gratitude and I consciously stopped any negative thinking, turning all unproductive thoughts into positives. 

​It was hard, and at times I would roll my eyes at myself when I felt I was being chirpy to an delusional level; but as time passed it became less forced.  In fact I got so caught up in my new (genuinely) happier way of living, I forgot that I used to exist with another mindset.
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But then... (*insert dramatic & slightly sad music here*) 

One day someone acted in a way that shook me, and it made me feel really, really sad. I felt things that I hadn’t felt for a while, but then (without meaning to) I paused and something magic happened.
 
I remember crying at the unjustness of it, and then as I reached for another tissue I thought:
 
“it’s ok that they have done this.  I feel sad, and I feel let down – but that doesn’t need to impact who I am as a person.  It doesn’t need to take over my day and what I had planned to accomplish.”
 
I had been treated unfairly, and for a second I wanted to find a way (any possible way) to make the “meanie” aware of what they had done.  I felt desperate for them to know they’d hurt me, I felt that if they did it would justify the bad feelings I was having.  Then it dawned on me, I didn’t need to justify feeling hurt.  I also realized I could sit with my feelings, and I did not have to act on them.   I could feel sad, but I didn’t have to be sad.  I didn’t have to let this situation hurt me.
 
Whoa...  I wasn’t going to let it hurt me?   Dammit.  "X" was right those years ago!
 
This was so liberating, not only had this moment of clarity felt like a victory, but as I got on with my day I discovered that my sadness lifted far sooner than I expected.  I was still hurt by the actions I had experienced, but I also knew I was ok, and that the world wasn’t going to stop turning just because I hadn’t embarked on a mission to avenge this cruel and unreasonable behavior.   Previously such a mission would have felt vital in order for me to take back control.  However what I can see now is that by not dwelling on it I wasn’t letting it take up my precious energy, I was surrendering and this was truly taking control.

Since then I have experienced numerous moments when I have been actively responsible for my own happiness, and for how I let external factors hurt me.  Yes I care about being a good person, and yes I care what people think about me – but I am not going to waste energy on trying to convince others of something purely as a way to justify my feelings or have control.   
 
It has had an effect on how I view others too – by not being so reactive to others behavior I am less inclined to want to sway how they treat me.  I no longer think that if I act in a certain way it will mean that people will treat me differently.  Instead, rather than adjusting my behavior in an attempt to impact that of others,  I simply make sure I identify and remain true to my own boundaries.
 
For example, I have a friend who has always been late for our dates.  I’m not talking 10 minutes, I am talking half an hour or more.  This used to drive me nuts, I’d take it personally and would try to think of things I could do to encourage them to be more considerate towards me.  Recently we arranged to meet for brunch, and I decided it was an ideal opportunity to be true to myself and look after my happiness. I stuck to my boundaries and when they were 40 minutes late I didn’t kick up a fuss, but explained I’d set aside the hour for brunch as planned so as we now only had 20 minutes left we’d need to just grab coffee rather than eat together. I respected my time and I didn’t allow any external behavior diminish that respect.  I also no longer require someone else to validate the respect I hold for myself, which means I am able to be more present in the time I spend with them – everybody wins!

I do still speak up when I feel hurt, so if someone I love acts in a way that doesn’t sit well with me I tell them and we work it out.  The difference is that I actively do so from a place of love, respect and wanting us to have the best relationship possible; as opposed to from a place of fear or insecurity.  
 
The way I see it our energy is like a currency - we are far better investing it in something positive rather than “spending it” on than anything that makes us feel bad.  Not only does this make for stronger and deeper connections (with ourselves and with others), but it also frees up so much time and energy for better things. 
 
Things like writing this post, and taking the time to thank you for reading it.
 
Thank you.
 
Bu Xx