Ok, I've not posted about my graduation because I have really struggled to find the words...

On Friday 22nd September I had my The Open University graduation... Of course, it was a celebration of my academic achievement, and I am exceptionally proud of that, but for me it was so much more.
 
I started my degree because I knew I wanted to reach more people and to start more communications about mental illnesses.  I wanted to make sure I was doing so responsibly and thought that getting an academic grounding would help me to help more people.  I had been inspired by Tracy, one of my closest friends and also the greatest psychologist I have ever met (and I’ve stumbled across a few!), the way she was able to help me, combined with how fascinating I found the human mind, set me on the path back into education.  What followed with the OU was an absolute game changer…

Following this, I was contacted by the OU about doing a case study on me as a student, and about their 50th birthday.  To be asked to create the cake for such a special occasion was my biggest baking honour to date, and then they added to this by asking me if I would give a speech at the event – an event I later found out was live streamed globally! 
 
I’ll be honest, I stumbled here. I went back and forth on the idea as public speaking has always been absolutely terrifying for me.  At this stage, in swooped Tracy who did some incredible coaching and hypnotherapy work with me, and I toddled off to Milton Keynes, cake in arms, to face the fear.  I couldn’t have prepared myself for what a huge day it was, I remember being dumbstruck when I sitting in the auditorium and a picture of Harold Wilson (creator of the OU) came up on the screen, I then heard a man a couple of seats in front of me say “ah, there’s Dad…”.  You can see my speech here, I think it’s safe to say the nerves were still there but I did it, that day I dared greatly.   

After this I worked with the OU on a couple more videos and articles, both for the OU website and also for news channels.  World University Mental Health Day became a permanent fixture in my diary and it will stay there forever.  Of course, as we all know, the pandemic then hit, and the world was thrown into chaos.  In this time being able to create more content with the OU was an invaluable way of reaching people who may have been struggling.  We pulled together another article, and also a piece for the BBC news.  

Personally, as many of you will know, in this time my own personal life was also thrown into chaos.  My dad had been diagnosed with Mantle Cell Lymphoma and then I discovered my husband was having an affair.  At this stage, although I had to change from studying full time to studying part time while I rebuilt my life, my study became the thing I clung to for a window into the future.  Being able to change this way of studying was invaluable and it is one of the things about the OU that makes it so unique.  Being able to change my studying meant I didn’t have to quit, I could keep moving forward even if it was a little slower. 
 
I actually finished my degree in 2022, but I wasn’t able to get into a ceremony due to the backlog from the covid graduations, and that is why I had my day this year.  It’s wonderful  really, because in that year I have had another full year giving baking demos and being on stage all summer – something that I don’t know if I would have been able to do if it wasn’t for that 50th birthday speech.  

So, this is why I haven’t known how to share about my OU graduation and what it meant to me, I really don’t have the words.  My experience has been life changing and I am gutted to not be an enrolled student anymore…

​I won’t be vanishing though, I will keep pestering the amazing media team to let me be involved where I can, and I am going to do all I can to be an ambassador for such an amazing organisation – the more people who know the magic of the OU the better. 

​Speaking of magic, on my graduation day I bumped into a friend from primary school… What are the odds; two people who left school in 29 years earlier, just happened to be at the same graduation ceremony!  

 I can’t sign off here without showing some love… Francesca, Chloe and Tracy, you were integral in me getting through this degree, both practically (reading my work, feeding back, and nagging me to not leave it to the last minute!), and emotionally – you are the *best* cheerleading squad.  Tracy, you got me up on that stage and it is your fault I now grab a mic at every opportunity and start to lecture talk about mental health, you are the OG game changer.  Louise, Hannah, Natalie, Emily and the rest of the media team at the OU, thank you – you took me under your wing and it has been an absolute joy, let’s find more excuses to work together, please! 
 
 If anyone fancies sponsoring me to do my Masters, just shout.  

​In the meantime… I flipping did it! 

Sending love to you all! 
Bu... xx
BSc(Hons) Soc Psych (Open) - eek! 🤣🥰

Well, hello there stranger, I hope this finds you well and having a great 2023 so far?
 
Previously, I've shared how I always try to write from scars, never from open wounds.  I want my words, experiences and conversations to be helpful, and so always wait until I’m confident that I’m publishing something for the right reason.  This has been important with this post, as it's taken me a while to be ready to hit "Publish.".

Today I want to talk about moments of feeling I am “too much”. 
 
I vividly remember a moment in 2022 when I was in tears, and fearfully asked my best friend “I feel like I’m just too much.  Tell me, am I too much?” 
 
You may imagine I was treated to a resounding “Noooooooo! Babes, if you’re too much for someone then actually they’re not enough for you!”.  However, that’s not how my bestie and I roll.  She knows I value honesty over platitudes, and I only ask such questions when I’m geared up for a truthful response.  
 
(Side note: I think I owe it to her to clarify that she never, ever calls me “Babes!”)
 
Instead, I was told, “Yes. You absolutely are too much, way too much, for some people.”
 
My stomach flipped, and the hot flush of shame set in. Yuck. 
 
She continued, “but so am I, so is X, so is Y.  We’re a lot.  Not to the right people, not to our people; but to those who aren’t our people, we’re too much.” 
 
Hmmm… 
 
I’ll be honest, examples of me being too much were flashing through my mind, as I started to consider how I could tone down my “too muchness”.   Weirdly though, before I went too far down that mental road, I found myself saying (albeit in a shaky voice) something rather badass… It was along the lines of “but I don’t want to not be how I am.  I want to be passionate, I want to be all in, I’ve gone through too f*cking much to compromise the me I’ve found and I love”. 
 
Boom. 

​(Pauses for round of applause…) ​

Alas, in true Bu style, having that moment wasn’t enough to settle the issue (or my mind).   I knew shame was still lurking, and that I needed to explore and fully unpick it. 
 
I don’t know if you’re familiar with Brené Brown, if not I highly recommend checking out “Call to Courage” on Netflix.  It’s glorious, and I re-watch it every couple of months as a form of self-therapy.  One thing that Brené highlights is that shame can only exist in silence; by voicing the source of our shame, we take away its power.  
 
So, I decided to tackle it head on.  I wrote down some of the ways in which I am “too much”, and now I need to voice it.   What better way to do that than with you all, right?!  

I know the level of reflection in this post may seem a little self indulgent to some, but I'm hoping that the exercise and what came up may help others who have similar insecurities. 
 
(Second side note: Yes, I get the irony.  I know that for many the way all of the above may be an example of me being far “too much!)
 
Here goes… 
​

Ways in which I am too much, the list: 
​

​2.  I speak out.
 
If something is wrong, I’m in tune with myself enough to determine (usually) what it is that is bothering me, and how it is affecting me.  When this happens, I prefer to voice it and deal with it, so it’s no longer an issue. 
 
My anxiety also means that sometimes I need to ask those I trust whether my perspective about a niggle is reasonable, or whether my anxiety is excessively influencing how I’m seeing things.   I bring up concerns as a way of dispelling uncertainties, rather than letting them spiral.  
 
The reason I speak out int eh above situations is because I’d rather spend my time having fun, and curating the best relationships I can with those I love.  I don’t want to be dwelling on negative feelings or thoughts – I can assure you that my depression creates enough of those, so I don’t need to add to them! 
 
Sadly, some people interpret my honesty as negativity, or see me asking for clarity and/or reassurance as a sign of neediness rather than a positive show of trust.  In such cases I speak out and become too much.  
 

3.  I love people to be raw, imperfect and unravelled.  
 
I believe magic happens when we show up in all our messy glory, and in that state connect with others.  It’s a privilege for someone to trust me with their real, clunky self; I honour and respect that, and for me it’s what it’s all about. 
 
I’m not ashamed of my struggles, or the ways in which I feel ‘less than’.  It isn’t me being derogatory about myself, it is me embracing myself. 
 
For some people it’s uncomfortable to see the messy me or to reveal the messy them, and so it’s easier to ignore the discomfort and instead consider me too much. 

​4. “I just like to smile, smiling’s my favourite” ~ Buddy the Elf, and Bu.

​I love to find childlike joy, laughter, and inspiration wherever I can; I adore finding moments to appreciate beauty or to have a giggle.  I’ll stop and stare at a perfect tree if it catches my eye, and half an hour patting (and chatting to) a goat feels like 5 minutes to me.  

​If something brings gleeful happiness, I’m all in… 
 
I’m tone deaf, but after a few gins I throw myself into karaoke. I have no rhythm, but will drag you onto the dance floor. I like to laugh until I cackle (or snort), and can always be relied upon to lower the tone purely for a cheeky chortle.  
 
I think everyone is doing the best they can, and I believe in the magical transformative power of kindness.
 
These may sound lovely, but for some, my choice to see things through a Disney filter wherever I can makes me far too much (and rather irritating!). ​

​​5.  I love loving the people I love. 
 
I want the people closest to me to feel valued and never doubt how special they are to me, and I will find different ways to try and do this whenever I can.  
 
Having a bad day? I’m on my way, with wine.  Something awesome has happened? We’re going to make a point of celebrating you.  You have a favourite chocolate bar? It’s on my next shopping list.  There’s an excuse to send you a card? I’m on it…  (Truly, any excuse. I once bought a friend a card purely to tell her she was my ‘number one blonde’ after that term was uttered in a drunken conversation).
 
Finding ways to bring special moments into ordinary days is an absolute delight, but some people think it adds pressure for them to do the same, and so I’m too much. 
​

​6.  Don’t BS me.
 
I hold people accountable; words mean something to me.  I don’t suffer fools, I won’t have my intelligence insulted, and respect is a huge thing for me. I’ll call friends out and say if they’re being an arse.  If I think someone is in the wrong I tell them, it’s ended friendships before but I refuse to be a “yes-woman” and pretend.  Ask me for advice and it will be honest (and often blunt); this comes from a place of deep, wholehearted love though. 
 
I’m compassionate, understanding and realistic.  When people are open about messing up, I see that as brave, and would never hold it against them.  When I forgive, I forgive fully, and never hold what I’ve forgiven as ammo in my back pocket.  
 
When I say we’re in it together, I mean it.  It’s easy to go through the good times together, but the real beauty comes from tackling the bad as a team. 
 
In all my friendships and relationships, I am fiercely open, honest and passionate.  For some, my fierceness equates to me being too much. 

​So, there we have it.  6 aspects of me that I fear are too much.  Do any of them resonate with you? 
 
I wonder if separately some of them are simply ‘a bit’ much, and it’s the amalgamation of them all together that makes it ‘too much’. 
 
If I can take you back to point 1 for a second, I’d like to have a mini geek out.  By typing this list, I hoped to get rid of any shame around it.  Interestingly, I’ve realised I’m actually proud of a lot of those qualities!  This is why I love to do the challenging work on myself, the rewards can be huge.  
 
In fact, I had quite a big reframing moment while typing this, which I want to share with you:  
 
My closest friends are all (among other things), intelligent, fierce, passionate, loyal, inspirational, loving and wholehearted.  I wonder if those are the glorious qualities that are required for someone to not consider me “too much”?  Maybe, my “too muchness” isn’t a barrier that pushes people away; perhaps it’s a beacon that attracts a certain calibre of people?
 
This is a funny post to share, as it’s me talking about some personal things that make me me, and it feels like a shift from my other posts.  However, the bestie I mentioned at the start of this post sent me a text after our conversation about me being too much, and by publishing this post I hope I am honouring it. 

​I’d like to finish by highlighting an example of how messy it is to be human.   Two of the biggest fears I have about myself are that I am ‘too much’, and that I am ‘not enough’. These two total opposite fears terrify me at the same time!  There we have it, life really is an enigma sometimes.  You know what though? It’s made better by having you all in it with me.
 
Until next time… 
Bu xx 

Hi gang, it’s been a while! 
 
I always want to apologise when I've been off radar, but today there is no apology.  Partly as I’ve had a few things going on(!), and partly because I subscribe to Nadia Bolz-Weber’s advice to write from scars rather than open wounds.  I’ve owed it to you and to myself to wait until I was ready, so thank you for giving me that time. 
 
I’m fairly sure the dramatic title of this post may have piqued your interest. However, full disclosure early on, if you’re here to get the juicy gossip then I’m afraid you’re out of luck.  You’ll have to wait for the book for that...
 
Joke!! Come on, you have to let me have a couple of them to lighten the tone!
 
However, if you’ll indulge me briefly, I want to give a glimpse of what’s occurring. 

As an aside, did you just picture Nessa from Gavin and Stacey as you read that? See, it’s been a while but I can still read your mind.   

Brace yourself for a tale of carnage… (ah yes, a tale of carnage. The less PG version of Disney's tale as old as time) 

​​At the end of 2020 I discovered what’s now referred to as “affairgate”, and for the first time in over 10 years I was flying solo.  A few weeks later, a second lockdown was imposed and that took us through to 2021.  On January 4th my dad went into UCLH to start a clinical trial for mantle cell lymphoma, and we were facing a very real chance of losing him.  Around this time weddings started being cancelled and postponed, so my main income stream vanished.  
 
It’s fair to say, 2021 didn’t try to coax me in with a pretence that it might be ok.  2021 barged through the door, declared that it intended to ruin me, and then tried its best to deliver on that promise as often as possible.  It was as if the writers of “Bu’s Life” had got to the 37th season, run out of storylines, and began drunkenly coming up with ridiculous things to throw at me just for sh*ts and giggles.
 
Here’s the rub though… You’re reading this, so I’m still here.  Not only am I still here, but I’m writing. That means I still have the self-belief and courage to show up and share my messy, imperfect, vulnerable self with you.  
 
Right, we’ve established that 2021 was almost a killer, with my previously imagined worst case scenarios all happening at once.  However, we’ve also established that I’m here, lurking in your screen and babbling away. 
 
Therefore, if you know me at all, you know there’s a “here are some gems I found in the carnage” moment fast approaching… 

​Ready for it?! 
 
There were amazing takeaways from 2021, which not only made things bearable, but also created connection, trust, and at times, a whole lot of fun! 
 
Here we go...
 
Takeaway #1
​Work out what it is you actually need, then be brave enough to ask. 
 
Over the years I’ve learnt to do this to a certain extent when my anxiety kicks in.  It’s beneficial for all involved if I can reach out to people I’m close to and voice any niggles I’m having, so any concerns can be quickly be dismissed rather than spiral; it's not ideal but it makes a huge difference.  In 2021 this combination of self-awareness and openness became a finely tuned skill, as I discovered the value in taking time to understand what I needed and asking for it.  
 
Some requests involved planning, such as playdates with my friends’ kids for a reminder of the adventures that lay ahead (and how loved I really am, as they’re still too young to pretend to like me for politeness sake!!).  Some were for smaller things like gin dates (there were lots of these!), or even silly things like song recommendations for an “I’ll be ok” playlist.  
 
Total transparency, this is flipping hard.  I don’t know about you, but I used to worry that if I asked for something or voiced a concern I’d appear needy. 
 
2021 taught me that I’m not needy at all, I’m "wanty" perhaps, but that’s a whole different thing!  
 
Being able to put ego aside and get vulnerable enough to vocalise what you need is tough, but the benefits more than make up for it. Along with building trust, it helps you to tune in to what you need and it negates any frustration of waiting for someone to guess.  Together these create an environment where the focus can be on the happier, fun things – something I think we all need more of right now. 

​Takeaway #2
​Don’t do things with one foot outside the door.
 
Approaching situations in life with both feet doesn’t mean jumping straight in the deep end, it can mean standing at the water’s edge letting the waves occasionally lap over your toes.  However, whatever we do, we have to do it with both feet.  Life is too short to be experienced half-heartedly.
 
In 2021 I had moments where I was concerned about the past repeating itself, and I worried that if I believed in something it may get pulled from under me again. The scary thing is that no matter how bad things get or feel, time and opportunities are still passing us by. 
 
In the summer I had a stomach dropping moment, where I realised too late that I’d been holding myself back due to the fear of a particular outcome. The good news was that by doing so I absolutely avoided that outcome; the bad news was that by doing so I was also guaranteeing things couldn’t go right. 
 
I took some time, faced up to what I’d been doing and why, and realised I was setting myself up for failure.  There’s a phrase I’ve always loved, which resonated more than ever: 
 
“A ship in the harbour is safe, but that isn’t what ships are built for”.  
 
I decided then that there would be no more half-arsing from me, I refused to sabotage myself again in that way, and I refused to become a one foot out the door person. 

​This was put to the test in October, when I had the opportunity to join the Foodies Festival family.  I was terrified, there were so many ways it could go wrong.   My initial thought was damage limitation.  I could go, do my thing, give them what I thought they wanted, and get out.  Doing this would offer total protection from the potential rejection of me not being quite right. 
 
Irritatingly though, I’d already acknowledged what happened when I’d tried to protect myself previously in this way, and I wasn’t about to let myself off the hook.  After all, a mistake made more than once is a decision. 
 
So, I turned up and I went all in. I was unapologetically me and I embraced everything that came with the experience; I threw myself into it.  I was goofy, I was imperfect, and most importantly I didn’t let my enjoyment of the weekend be dictated by thoughts or fears about what could happen in the future. 
 
The outcome? It was the best weekend of 2021… Getting to demo while chatting to the fabulous Restoration Cake was a joy, sharing the power of baking for wellbeing was a privilege, and my time on stage felt “right”.  I connected with some glorious people; we swapped stories, laughed until our cheeks ached, danced, sang, ate and drank (none of these in moderation!).  

​I felt alive again.  

​That was enough in itself, but then came the big news, they wanted me back for 2022.  Not just at my home event, but for every single venue in England - an outcome I hadn’t even imagined! When I stepped into that weekend with both feet I knew I was creating the possibility for it to go wrong, but I was also creating the possibility for it to go so very right. 
 
Experiencing loneliness, rejection and fear to the extent I did could easily have made me more guarded. It could have left me on the side-lines, with one foot in and one foot out (doing the Hokey Cokey of life, I guess?!); but 2021 taught me that is not an option. 
 
I love that I’m a passionate, fierce, wholehearted creature.  I am proud to wear my heart on my sleeve and (now more than ever) to have the courage to go all in.  

Life is short, it throws curveballs and things will not always go to plan.  That happens no matter what we do, so we owe it to ourselves to set ourselves up for greatness as best we can; and that starts with getting all of our toes wet. 

​Takeaway #3
Do it for your future self.
 
I was first introduced to this idea a few years ago, but in 2021 it became a ledge I clung to more than once.
 
Sometimes it’s impossible to imagine things being different, and no matter what we do we cannot get out from under the cloud.  In these moments, I force myself to picture “future Bu”.  She’s usually sat on a balcony in an all-inclusive resort, with a glass of fizz, kicking back and admiring a sensational view.  I imagine her slightly raising her glass, with a small nod of her head as she thanks “present day Bu” for not giving up.  I remind myself that she cannot exist without me.
 
Considering future versions of ourselves works on so many levels and across so many time spans.  Today I want to share how it helped me in the darkest times.

​On days when I would wake up and not want to face the day, I would jot down the key things that the Bu that evening would want me to have done.  Some days my list was merely “brush teeth, wash face, eat something, drink 6 glasses of water”, and on those days I would do those things, purely because at the end of each day I really was grateful to my past self for making that list. 

I'm adding this lesson into my key takeaways from 2021 as I know that to an extent the previous two involve other people, and I wanted to return to the fact it really is the relationship we set with ourselves that dictates the ones we have with others. 
 
The uncomfortable parts of the first two lessons do make me want to shy away from them, but when I come back to me I know they are right as they enable me to stay true to myself.  So often we do things as we “should” or in a bid to win people over, 2021 taught me that living life in that way was selling myself short.  
 
One way that I ensure I’m being true to me (and this is hard!) is to stand in front of a mirror and look myself in the eye for 2 minutes - without looking away! It really is tough, but once you get over the initial weirdness, magic happens.

When I do this, I know very quickly if I’ve been acting in a way that I’m not happy with, or if I’m being untrue to myself; needless to say these moments are uncomfortable, but they’re the ones that matter.  If we don’t face up to those realisations, change will never happen; and I can assure you that the idea of ignorance being bliss is not a way of life I subscribe to. 
 
It's not all hard going though, sometimes I do it and I can sense myself starting to smile.  One thing I can tell you, when you look yourself in the eye and an unspoken “we’ve got this” is sensed, you know you’re nailing it. 

​Oh, and as I know you want to know...  2022 started with a birthday cake for Dad’s “rebirthday”, marking 1 year since he was injected with 270 million CAR-T Cells.   

​Needless to say, it was the most special cake I have ever, ever made. 

​So, there we have it… The first blog post in a while, done. 
 
I can only hope it was worth the wait! 
 
Gang, things are changing, and I’m not too sure what lies ahead for us all. However, I do know that whatever it is, my future self will be going all in (and asking for help when needed along the way). 
 
I hope you’ll join me. 
 
Until next time…

Bu xx 

(Of course you can join me here, and I'm also kicking about a lot on Facebook and instagram.  PLUS you can get your foodie tickets here. There are a couple of dates I'm unable to make, so do feel free to give me a shout if you want to double check before booking!) 

I've not written for a while... I'll be totally honest, it's been largely because the year has thrown a few curve balls and I have had to work through a couple of "glitches".  

I could apologise for having been off radar blog wise, but to be totally honest I'm not sorry.  Life can be really tough sometimes, and one thing I pride myself on these days is not sweeping the uncomfortable aspects of life under the carpet.  I don't try to numb difficult feelings, and I certainly don't pretend that everything is ok when it's not.   I have a motto in my life at the moment, "you can either let things make you better, or make you bitter" and this leads me onto a secret I want to share with you...

Not only is it ok to not be ok, but sometimes not being ok can lead to you being more ok than you have ever been! 

Taking time to process, learn and reflect on life lessons can be so valuable, and this morning I have been having a reflective start to the day.  I'm sat with a cup of coffee and I'm thinking about the fact this is my last day as a 35 year old.  Here's another secret... I used to dread birthdays. I hated opening gifts in front of people (due to not feeling worthy) and I hated feeling like I wasn't achieving anything (due to not feeling worthy).

This year though, there's a strange feeling running through me...

This year, I am LOVING it.

My initial reflection of the year has thrown up the following.  At the age of 35 I have:

- Been a finalist at the British Wedding Awards, and taken the runner up spot.
- Created the wedding cake for the British Wedding Awards
- Created the cake for The Open University's 50th birthday
- Given a speech about mental health at The Open University's 50th birthday, which was screened around the world!
- Had multiple articles published in Cake Decorating Heaven
- Completed my first year of a social psychology degree
- Been on two yoga retreats

These are amazing, they really are.  There are other things though, things that run deeper and mean more.  I have had moments in the past year of true game-changing pride.  I experienced moments that have nestled themselves into my being, rather than into my memories. 

The first was when I watched my husband complete the London Marathon, he truly is my absolute hero. It wasn't just about the run for him, it was two fingers up at ankylosing spondylitis (a chronic condition that affects his spine).  As if that wasn't enough, in his fundraising Mr BuBakes was open about his struggles with social anxiety; PLUS he raised thousands for Mind.  
​

​The second was when I was asked to become an advisory board member for Amazing Minds CIC, who make real changes in schools for children's mental wellbeing.  I am so determined to use my experiences to create meaningful change, so future generations don't have to feel the unnecessary pain I felt. To be approached by such an incredible organisation was both a privilege and a gift. 

The third moment from "year 35" that filled me with pure joy and pride was the evening Mr BuBakes & I were asked to be guide parents to Max, the most special mini person I have had the honour of meeting and getting to know.   

Without a doubt it is the greatest compliment I have ever received. 

​
Plus in amongst all of that fabulousness, were (of course) my amazing clients, some amazing events and lots of amazing cakes.   Seriously, life may feel very raw at times, but it is so much fun when you get to lick the cake bowl every day!  

​These are just a few of my favourite cakes from the past year...

​So there we go... I'm pretty happy with how "35" looked, and I cannot wait to see what the next 12 months brings.   You don't need to wait until a benchmark date to consider your achievements though.  Why not sit down and list everything that you can think of that has happened over the past week/month/year that has made you feel proud.   Not sure what to add?  Ask other people - so often others can see things that we totally miss!

Getting to know ourselves, and learning to love ourselves can feel like a task that is often focused solely on what we hope to achieve in the future; but it's so important to stop occasionally and make sure we are celebrating what we have already accomplished. 

Surely it's the unshakable joy that is created in those pockets of time, which creates the magic in our lives that we all strive for.  

Sending oodles of love to you all! 
Bu xx 
​

​When trying to get to know ourselves (and ultimately to love ourselves) we need to tune into what resonates with us.   Finding the connection to who we really are can seem rather alien; after all we grow up learning to focus on others, to be kind, considerate, and not selfish.  Due to this we spend so much time, energy and resources building connection with others, that we can totally lose (if we ever had) the connection with ourselves. 
 
One of the loveliest ways to develop this connection is to create joy for yourself. Yes, it can feel indulgent and various clunky thoughts can occur that make us want to resist the idea.  We feel guilt, we wonder if we’re being selfish - that little voice in our brain starts to challenge who we think we are, daring to explore what makes us happy without anyone else in mind.  
 
We’ll touch on those challenging aspects over the next week, but for today I just want you to think about lovely, warm fuzzy feelings.  What makes you happy?
 
It’s time to discover what fills you up… 
 
I’m not talking about the everyday nice stuff, I’m talking about finding something that makes your cheeks ache from grinning.  Something that you think about and you physically feel your heart lift.  That thing that when you experience it, you truly believe “life’s really alright you know… this is what it’s all about”. 

​​If you have no idea what creates this feeling within you, then you have the best adventure of them all - you get to explore!   
 
Not sure how? 

• Reflecting on your day is a great place to start

Just spending a couple of minutes each evening to consider what lifted you throughout the day, may give you an inkling of the area in which you can find your joy.  Noting down a few things that made you smile each day will not only allow you to see patterns, but it will also encourage you to do more of that good stuff. 

• Be honest, go on, admit what it is that you would LOVE to try… 

 
Most of us have something that we think about and an “I wish” comes into our minds.  Whenever I used to watch Strictly, I would get a real kick out of seeing how happy it made people.  I’d get shivers, and I put this down to me enjoying watching it. This year, Mr. BuBakes and I decided to try something new and so we joined a beginner’s dance class. Now every Thursday evening my cheeks ache from grinning from start to finish.  I may not be overly talented at it, but dancing fills me up.  
 
What’s that thing that you would love to try if you could remove any self-doubt about your ability, or concerns that you “left it too late”? 

• Get inspired

 
Ask people what lights them up, find out what it feels like for them to be lost in something that brings them joy.  Not only will this encourage you to keep trying new things until you discover your own elixir of life, but they may just mention something that makes you feel that it could be the thing for you. 

• ​Above all, play with this.  It’s fun! 

Channel your inner child, that young mind that didn’t know everything and would try things purely because they were there to try.  Don’t assume that you have to have the answers, or that it’s too late in life to do this exploration.  After all, you are never again going to be as young as you are today. 
 
One warning though, happiness breeds happiness…  An amazing thing is that within ourselves we truly do reap what we sow. If we have moments of pure joy this will ripple into other areas of our life. We want more of the amazing feelings it brings and without realising it we will seek the good in more places around us.  Life may start to become that little bit more rosy, so be prepared to start smiling at things you’d never really noticed before. 

Do you know what really brings you joy? Pure joy, just for you? If so, do let us know in the comments below.  It would be great to share ideas, and you never know who may get some inspiration from your experience. 
 
Until next time, 
Bu xx 
​

“Be authentically you”.    What does this mean to you?  
 
When I had my implosion in 2014 these became 3 of the most loaded words in my life.  I despised myself, in my eyes I was failing left, right and centre; so, the idea of embracing the true “me” was ludicrous. 
 
I’d dedicated decades to making up for what I felt were the failures of my younger self. I blamed her for starting a cycle of failure, humiliation and a LOT of shame; so, there was no way I wanted to go back to channeling that little girl in an attempt to discover who she really was and who I’ve been suppressing all this time. 
 
I’d be willing to put money on the fact that pretty much everyone has heard the anthem “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman.  I’m also guessing most of you have felt a little bit of a swagger as you’ve listened to it. We all know that little inner narrative that pops up when it comes on… “Yeah, this is ME. Take me as I am world, I’m proud of being true to myself and I’m not afraid to sing at the top of my lungs” (or mouth along with feeling, if you’re listening in a public space!) 

I'll make it clear now - ​I only know my own story, what has worked for me, and what has been appropriate for me given my circumstances at various stages. In essence I guess this blog post is all about ME - a tad ironic given the subject matter! 
 
However, a lot of my experience over the past 5 years has been influenced by health professionals, trained individuals, and a lotof trial and error. Therefore, my plan is to share some of the ways that I evolved, in the hope that some bits may be useful for others. 
 
Some may not resonate with you, some may be a bit woo-woo for some of you, and of course I can only share how I’ve processed things in my mind. However, as is always the case with my mental health writing, I figure that if one thing helps one person then it’s worth it. 
 
I’ll be posting throughout the month (after all, in this month of lurve, who better to love than yourself?) so do check back in for a number of posts all intended to help in different ways.  Some will contain tips, tasks to try and suggestions that I invite you to at least consider. Some will be reflections, challenges that arose (and still arise) for me, and some will have honest examples of what I’ve discovered (about myself and others...) - it’s not always been pretty! 
 
As always, sharing is caring. If you know someone who has lost their identity, who deserves to love themselves in the way you love them, or even just may be interested then do please invite them along on the journey. 

​Until next time... 
 
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
 
Bu xx

If I asked you what form would your Boggart take, would you have an immediate answer?  (For the muggles out there, a boggart is an amortal shape-shifting non-being that takes on the form of the viewer's worst fear.) Do spiders terrify you as they do Ron, or are you more like Neville with one of your old school teachers still giving you the heebie-jeebies if you so much as think of them?

​For me it’s the idea of public speaking. If there are more than a handful of people in a room I’m screwed. It doesn’t even have to be a long period of speaking - you know those occasions when you’re in a room and someone says “let’s just go around and briefly introduce ourselves”? Welcome to my nightmare...
 
Cue me spending the time before my turn trying to work out what to say; while feeling bad that my mind has completely switched off from listening to others, as I’ve gone into fight or flight mode.  Suddenly everyone is looking at me so I know it’s my turn. Usually I will blurt our something along the lines of “I’m Liz. I make cakes and trying to raise awareness of mental ill health, I guess I’m all about the cakes and crazy...” and then I’ll shrug. 
 
At this point I’ll get a few smiles - but I’m never sure if they are in sympathy for my clear discomfort, awkward grins for the fact I’ve used the word crazy, or relief fueled due to the fact I’m clearly not going to say anything else and they can move on.
 
One of the questions I’ve been encouraged to explore is “What’s the worst that can happen, really?”
 
Now, as someone who is hyper vigilant and encounters anxiety to sometimes crippling levels, this used to be the scariest question I could think of. Seriously, what’s the WORST thing that could happen, stick the kettle on as this is going to take a while...
 
Fortunately, I spent some time unpicking my beliefs and fears with the amazing Tracy Richardson.  Tracy is an absolute game changer, I cannot tell you how many times I would be sat in a room with her and suddenly everything would click into place. Pretty much every time I was with her I’d mutter at least once “Oh *@£%” as the sudden realisation of why I’d been doing certain things dawned on me.
 
One of the biggest things I have discovered through processing thoughts around what I have been scared of has been that in many ways I am like Harry. For me, one of the scariest things that I fear, is fear itself.

So, this realisation hasn’t made me stop fearing things, but it has made me more inquisitive about occasionally testing my fears and dipping my toe into the lake of “What’s the worst that can happen, really?”  It tends to be individual short bursts of bravery, like answering the phone (which spikes my anxiety SO much that I don’t think I’ve even spoken to my folks on the phone for years) but this Friday I am going for what I guess is more of a doggy paddle in that lake.

​At 7pm (GMT) I am so proud (and utterly terrified) that I am being interviewed by the amazing multi-faceted, multi award winning Rudy Caseres all the way from sunny LA for his show “No Restraints”.
 
Rudy has traveled The States working with organisations such as National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), Mental Health America, Project Semicolon, and the American Association of Suicidology. Last year he was awarded Outstanding Peer of the Year by NAMI California and chosen by the Mighty as one of their Mental Health Heroes of 2017!

Lastly, I’m fairly sure several Boggarts will be appearing between now and tomorrow evening, in attempt to scare me into giving in to my fear.  So, if you see or hear me at any point shouting “RIDDIKULUS” you will know why…
 
Have a fabulous day folks
 
Bu xx

I’d love to share more about Tracy Richardson, as I know from personal experience just how much she can help you to transform so many aspects of your life.  This tiny window of information is just the beginning, and you can find our more at positiveinmind

As an experienced therapist and coach who is currently joyfully immersed in studying for an MSc Applied Positive Psychology, Tracy has a firm belief that people are amazing! She feels strongly that people have an immense capacity for learning what makes them tick, and that they can use this knowledge in order to live a fulfilling and meaningful life. Tracy sees being part of this journey of discovery with her clients as a real privilege.
​
Tracy is also one of the directors of Seahorse Education Partnerships, a not-for-profit positive education company dedicated to developing better mental health and wellbeing in schools. She and her colleagues have developed a mindfulness-based positive psychology programme for primary schools, Amazing Me, designed to give children the tools to understand themselves and to better negotiate life and any challenges they face. Amazing Me will be available from June 2018. For more information please contact tracy@seahorsed.com

It’s now been a year since I’ve published a blog about what’s going on in my mind. Over this time I’ve had lots of false starts, each time I’d start to write and then be overwhelmed with the thought “I really should get this one finished”.  It was when this statement entered my mind, I put my laptop down and stepped away. 

How many times a day do you use the word “should”? If you’re like me the answer will be too many to count.  In 2017 I was starting to question the engrained expectations I had of myself, and while it’s been a tad rocky at times (pausing to second guess a knee jerk reaction is bloody tough sometimes!) I think I’ve finally replaced the dreaded “should” with the far more exploratory “could”. 

So what? Why am I choosing this one word to break my proverbial blogging seal? 

Let me explain... 

That one word is so dictatorial, if any of these resonate with you it may be time to ask ourselves why... 

• I should lose weight 
• I should stay in touch with that person, even though they make me feel rubbish 
• I should put make up on/do my hair before I nip out 
• I should go to the gym today 
• I shouldn’t take time for “self care” unless everything else is done 
• I should do “self care” as it’s the done thing...
• I shouldn’t buy myself that coffee/lunch/chocolate bar 
• I should look up quick ways to a flatter stomach, as I go on holiday in a week 
• I should shave my legs before I go for a massage 
• I shouldn’t share that I’m proud of myself for something, in case people think I’m big headed 
• I should work over my contracted hours so my boss sees me as a hard worker 
• I should fit in with everyone
• I should stand out as unique 
• I shouldn’t express that something upsets me, in case it seems I’m nagging 
• I should just (wo)man up and get on with it
• When someone steps into my home I should say “excuse the mess”, even though I’ve been tidying manically for the past hour
• I should read this blog as Bu shared it and I want to appear supportive(!)

Ok, so those are just off the top of my head, I’m pretty sure you all have your own.  It’s these sort of things I’ve been trying to catch mid-thought, and each time I’ve asked myself why. Not in a defensive way, more in a quizzical sense.
Who has these expectations of us? In 2017 I discovered it was actually all me - I was telling myself all these things were essential structures for my life, purely because that’s what society has hinted at.    Even scarier was the fact that when I pointed this out to some close friends, they were the same. We have all been doing what we think we “should” even in reality no one is really paying attention, in fact we’re all too busy worrying about our own shit, I mean should. 

When we replace should with could we allow a story to begin. 

"I could go to the gym, or I could stay home and binge watch my favourite show for an hour.   Actually I think I want to go to the gym - I always feel so could after.  Yeah, I choose to do that...then I’ll catch half an hour of Pretty Little Liars (don’t judge folks!) later tonight!"

So, what’s the answer? 

I’m afraid I can’t cure it, but I can invite you to consider the above and spend a second thinking of the things you believe you “should” do. Perhaps then next time you’re about to pick up that duster/dumbbell or deprive yourself of that coffee/chapter, you could catch yourself and ask yourself why. 

You may be surprised at how many of the same things you still end up doing, but the change in mindset while doing them can be quite transformational.

Trust me, I’ve LOVED the feeling of writing again now that I’m doing it without obligation - did I mention I’ve been doing so while on the cross trainer at the gym? Oh yeah, I rejoined in December after a year away, solely because I wanted to! ❤️

​**Proud moment...**

If you pick up a copy of this months Cakes & Sugarcraft you will find me on page 59 talking about baking and mental health! 

​(if you are reading this on your mobile, you may need to click the link below to view the PDF of the article)

​Look after yourselves folks, and have a fabulous weekend. 

​Bu xx

On Nov 10th I'll be attending a book release for a very special publication.

In a world where social media has become an every day experience, it is so easy to find ourselves under pressure to appear a certain way. We add filters to our lives, sharing only the best news and the "good" (filtered) photos, in an attempt to appear like we are "winning".

The amazing Lauren of This Girl is Enough has decided to take action, and in her book Filter Free are a collection of real stories by women who have been prepared to remove all filters and share their truth.

With subjects covering a varied scope including rape, divorce, addiction and alcoholism, it is a difficult read at times; but it is a crucial reminder of the fact that behind the filters we are all human, and not being perfect is a common thread that binds us.

This following excerpt is very special to me as this is a part of my story, I am SO proud to share my truth with so many inspiring, gutsy women.  For me if just one person reads about "filter free me" and it helps them to feel they are not alone, then it is worth all the fear and vulnerability that comes with putting my raw truth out into the world.
​

If you want to find out more, or pre-order your copy, you can do so  here.

Have a fabulous weekend folks - and remember that you are perfect, you don't need to filter anything to make that so.

Bu
xx

​BuBakes is committed to reducing the stigma attached to Mental Health, and personally donates 25p for every order received to MIND.  This is kindly matched by three generous supporters, meaning a £1 donation is made per order. 

I am also training to walk 40 miles in 24 hours along the Cornish Coastlines to raise money for this amazing charity.  If you would like to find out more, or make a donation you can do so here. ​